Recently, I had the opportunity to participate in the Overcoming Shame & Guilt Online Conference, hosted by Avaiya and Enlightenment Village. During the 7 day conference, doctors, psychotherapists, thought leaders, and others shared their opinions on navigating experiences of shame and guilt and talked about how these two differing-but-sometimes-related feelings can impact well-being, relationships, and the ability to achieve happiness.

I found it really interesting to contemplate the differences between shame and guilt and to hear various perspectives on how encountering each of these feelings impacts our lives. While there were some slightly differing views on whether there are any benefits to shame and guilt and whether you can ever completely get rid of them, the consensus seemed to be that these emotions can be quite destructive, yet also come with some benefits, especially in terms of guiding a person’s moral code and helping us grow.

Guilt vs. Shame

“Guilt says I did wrong. Shame says I am wrong.”

I see guilt as an emotion you experience when you feel bad about a specific thing or event—something you did or didn’t do. Shame, on the other hand, is an overarching feeling that you are inadequate or that you are somehow bad or wrong as a person on the whole. It’s always there, whether you do right or wrong. It’s about feeling fundamentally flawed or worthless as a person. Lisa Burgess summed it up nicely in her interview, saying, “Guilt says I did wrong. Shame says I am wrong.”

How Shame Can Impact Behavior and Mental Health

I do a lot of work in terms of helping individuals improve self-esteem and have seen how shame really plays a role in the lives of people who feel worthless or inadequate. Shame keeps people trapped, preventing them from being okay with who they are or believing they are good enough. Shame can wreak havoc on a person’s self-esteem and ability to navigate the world and relationships in a successful way.

It can be quite difficult to have healthy, authentic relationships when one or both parties experience a great deal of shame. People with shame tend to hide behind a facade, not wanting the world to know how badly they feel about themselves. Bullies, for example, are individuals who often put others down with the flawed belief that doing so will help them feel better, conquering their shame by putting it on someone else. Similarly, narcissism is a defense mechanism for hiding deep-seated feelings of shame and inadequacy. These ineffective, often subconscious attempts to prove the shame away don’t work. Rather, they create dysfunction and unhealthy patterns that only complicate the situation and interfere with one’s ability to have healthy, truly connected relationships.

How Are Shame and Guilt Connected?

People with shame tend to experience a lot of guilt, often stemming from a cycle of these dysfunctional patterns and a downward spiral of behaviors that ultimately make things feel worse. Guilt, on the other hand, is not always synonymous with shame. People with low levels of shame and a healthy level of self-esteem undoubtedly will experience situations and encounters that lead to feelings of guilt; however, they tend to navigate these experiences well and address guilt in effective ways that propel them forward rather than keeping them trapped in a place of self-hatred.

Guilt, when it’s rightfully experienced, can help guide a person’s morals and help people grow and learn from mistakes. For example, if you cheat on a test and feel guilty, you may learn that’s not a way you want to be and decide to make different choices in the future. If you say something to hurt someone’s feelings, you may go on to apologize, deepening the connection in the relationship. But when guilt is unwarranted, irrational, blown out of proportion, or coupled with feelings of shame, it can lead to feelings of more shame and may be an indication of mental health or identity issues that need to be addressed.

I specialize in working with new moms experiencing perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. This population represents one example of how excessive guilt can be a symptom of a larger issue rather than just a feeling that comes during isolated incidents and can be resolved through growth and understanding. Statistics show 1 in 5 to 7 new moms will experience a mental health issue such as depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), or posttraumatic stress (PTSD) during or following pregnancy, and excessive guilt can play a huge role in the struggles shared by this population.

In general, most moms face some layer of “mom guilt” at some point during parenting, but those struggling with untreated perinatal mood and anxiety issues tend to be ridden with overwhelming and irrational guilt—guilt regarding beliefs that they aren’t a good enough mom, that they are doing things wrong, that they are not effectively bonding with their new baby, or guilt because they may have obsessive or unsettling thoughts regarding their baby’s well-being. This type of unchecked, mounting guilt becomes unhealthy and needs to be acknowledged and treated.

Often, conquering shame and guilt involves learning to pay attention to your own internal dialogue and the potentially irrational beliefs and destructive messages that create feelings of inadequacy.

How Can We Overcome Guilt and Shame?

I do think it’s possible to overcome shame and guilt; however, it often takes some work and a willingness to seek help. In cases of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, where guilt is a symptom of a larger issue, medication and/or therapy may be vital and can lead to relatively quick improvements that prevent a potential downward spiral into shame.

Tackling other instances of excessive guilt or destructive shame may take more time and involves exploration and processing of events that created the shame, but working to rid yourself of this crippling feeling is well worth the time and investment involved in therapy and self-discovery. Conquering shame requires an openness to becoming more self-aware and a willingness to make changes. The tools I teach in my building self-esteem workshops and in therapy with the individuals I see in my private practice help people focus inward and gain insight regarding where shame and guilt begin to develop.

Often, conquering shame and guilt involves learning to pay attention to your own internal dialogue and the potentially irrational beliefs and destructive messages that create feelings of inadequacy. People in general, and especially those who have a lot of shame, tend to have a negativity bias, especially when it comes to the thoughts they have about who they are and how they fit into the world. Negative and self-depreciating thoughts, whether conscious or subconscious, can breed feelings of shame.

When we begin to monitor our own thinking and make connections to the experiences or specific messages we hear, assume, or internalize throughout life, we can more clearly recognize where shame stems from, then can ultimately work to challenge, reframe, or shift these messages to allow for a future where we can move beyond shame.

Part of this process involves learning to accept ourselves as we are and recognizing that nobody is perfect. We are going to make mistakes, have flaws, have skeletons in our closets, and have encounters with others who treat us poorly. Despite any of these things, we all are worthy and capable of creating a better future.

The decision to let go of shame versus stay stuck in a place of shame is ultimately a choice. It’s not easy; it takes a lot of strength, courage, and determination to face the ugly shame monster, but doing so will grant us the opportunity to move forward with a happier and more fulfilling future as the veil of shame is lifted.

If you’re struggling with deep-seated guilt or shame, there is hope. Find a therapist in your area who can help you develop healthy thought processes to deal with shame.

Reference:

Gunyon-Meyer, B., Cole, J., Tremayne, L, & Standeven, L. (2018). Perinatal mood disorders: Components of care [Training manual]. Retrieved from Postpartum Support International 2-Day Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders Training.

The title of this article may seem a bit strange. Guilt is not an enjoyable experience—how can it be beneficial? The answer is that guilt can help prevent us from engaging in behaviors that may harm others and ourselves. While this is true, it is overly simplistic when left as an argument by itself. It can be maintained that it is better to do the right thing not in order to avoid guilt, but to do what is right.

Guilt does more than motivate us to avoid engaging in behavior that will cause us to feel it. Guilt invites self-reflection. This is the greater potential inherent in guilt, but we must be willing to stay with the feeling to benefit from these possibilities.

Don’t Get Rid of Guilt: Work Through It

Different types of guilt may warrant different approaches to working through them. I will discuss three primary types of guilt: neurotic guilt, reality-based guilt, and existential guilt.

With existential guilt, I will also identify three different subtypes. When we work through guilt instead of trying to quickly overcome or get rid of it, the result is often wisdom and growth. When we try to quickly rid ourselves of guilt, we often are doomed to repeat similar behaviors.

When people express feelings of guilt and regret, a common response from others is to encourage them to “let it go” or forgive themselves, especially when it appears the person is being overly hard on themselves. This is well-intended advice, but it can fall short.

The Three Types of Guilt

Neurotic guilt is based on something for which one ought not feel guilt. It is out of proportion to the event that caused it. It can even be valuable to understand where neurotic guilt is coming from in order to identify its deeper roots. For example, neurotic guilt may be rooted in experiences of being inappropriately shamed for something as a child. Identifying the cause, instead of just working to quickly alleviate the guilt, can help resolve the neurotic guilt at its source.

Actual guilt, or reality-based guilt, may seem easier to understand. If we act in a selfish manner that causes harm to a friend or loved one, it is good to feel guilt, but still important to avoid quick, simplistic resolutions. If we were to quickly apologize and forgive ourselves, we may miss opportunities for deeper understanding and wisdom that may emerge from reflecting upon our guilt.

Rollo May believed that self-awareness is the foundation of ethical behavior. When we accept the invitation to reflection that accompanies actual guilt, we may come to understand ourselves better so that we can make informed changes in our life.

Rollo May believed that self-awareness is the foundation of ethical behavior. When we accept the invitation to reflection that accompanies actual guilt, we may come to understand ourselves better so we can make informed changes in our life.

A third type of guilt, existential guilt, is often unavoidable. It is rooted in the human condition. Rollo May identified three primary types of existential guilt, each connected with different aspects or modes of our existence: personal, interpersonal/social, and the physical world.

The Three Subtypes of Existential Guilt

Existential guilt at the personal level is about not living up to our potential. If we accept the invitation to reflect on this form of existential guilt, we may come to recognize where we are not seeking to fulfill our potential and identify what is blocking us from actualizing it.

At the interpersonal level, existential guilt can easily be confused with actual guilt. However, existential guilt at the social level is focused more on one’s responsibility to others and society in general as opposed to specific interpersonal transgressions (May, 1958). When one is aware of injustice in the world around them but does not do anything to make a difference, they may feel an existential guilt. It is not that they have engaged in a behavior that has caused harm, but rather they feel guilty for participating in a system or culture that is causing harm without advocating for change. This guilt is rooted in an understanding that we are social creatures and have a responsibility to others with whom we share this world.

May believed that existential guilt at the physical world level is the most pervasive and complex. This is rooted in our connection to the physical world and our environment. As an example, neglect of the physical environment can result in existential guilt. The guilt may not be from doing intentional harm, but it may be caused by one’s inaction or neglect.

These different types of existential guilt recognize that we are both independent beings and social beings at the same time. When we deny our nature as individuals or social beings, this results in guilt. It is impossible to actualize all our potentials, speak to every social injustice, and address every environmental injustice. As a result, we are bound to having some degree of existential guilt.

For those who are deeply aware of existential guilt, this can feel overwhelming. The lesson from existential guilt is not that we should try to do everything, but that we should strive for finding a balance in which we engage in our own personal development and responsibility to the social and physical world while accepting that we cannot do it all.

Conclusion

Guilt is a call to reflection. It invites us to reflect upon our lives and the way we are living. It invites us to consider whether we are living responsibly and living in accordance with our values. When we accept the invitation and engage in this reflection, we are often able to achieve deeper wisdom. We become able to live congruently with our values.

For Victor Frankl, this reflection is the key to happiness. He believed that happiness becomes more elusive when we seek it directly and that it is best achieved through living life well. When we live life well and in accordance with our values and principles, happiness ensues.

If you are struggling with feelings of guilt, warranted or unwarranted, a licensed and compassionate therapist may help you work through them.

References:

1. Frankl, V. (1984). Man’s search for meaning: An introduction to logotherapy (3rd ed.). New York, NY: Touchstone.
2. May, R. (1958). Contributions of existential psychotherapy. In Existence. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, Inc.
3. May, R. (1975). The courage to create. New York, NY: Norton.

In the safety of therapy, clients are able to open up about their sexual experiences. This all too often reveals shame lurking beneath the surface. For some people, it’s close to the surface, and for others, it’s buried deep within them.

Shame flourishes when it’s kept in the dark. But shame tends to diminish when it is brought into the open and met with love and compassion. I’m writing this article to highlight some of the common ways shame operates in regards to sexuality. Hopefully, you may learn some ways to leave it behind.

5 Ways Shame Impacts Sex

Internalized Problems

One marker of shame is that problems are experienced as integral to the person rather than as a natural result of situational factors that can be explained and addressed:

Chantelle looked down as she spoke. “I think there’s something wrong with me. I don’t get aroused anymore, and I barely feel pleasure from sex. I used to really enjoy sex.”

Once we began to unpack her problem and rule out any medical issues, it became clear that there were several very good reasons why Chantelle had low desire and arousal—she felt exhausted from lack of sleep and stress, and she often felt she was running on empty due to having very little time to herself.

Reframing Chantelle’s lack of sexual desire and arousal as a natural response to situational factors in her life rather than something inherently wrong with her was key in helping her let go of the shame and self-blame. Chantelle was then able to address the various factors that were making it difficult for her to enjoy sex. We found creative ways for Chantelle to prioritize her needs for sleep and self-care, which created more energy for her to reconnect with herself and her partner sexually.

Disgust

Disgust and queasiness are signs there is shame lurking within oneself. When babies are born, they have no shame about their bodies. Babies will naturally begin to explore their body, and genitals, with no judgment. It is parents and adults who attach shame to that experience.

It is natural and healthy to explore one’s body, starting in childhood and through all stages of life. It is also natural to experience sexual desire and to act on that desire, when done in a safe and consensual way. If you feel disgust about your body or sexuality, it may mean you are carrying shame or judgments that don’t belong to you.

Many clients I see have some memory of being shamed as a child for exploring their body or playing “doctor” with other children. Other clients have experienced the trauma of sexual abuse as a child or an adult. Sexual abuse or harassment is never the victim’s fault. Please know there is help if you or someone you know has experienced this. In all cases of sexual shame and disgust, please seek help and guidance. Having sexual challenges or problems does not mean you or your body are disgusting or wrong.

Inhibited Desire and Arousal

Shame is like a thick coating of black tar that sits on top of what would be a natural and healthy sexual desire and arousal response. The natural responses are still there, but they are buried beneath the shame, which prevents the natural desire and arousal from surfacing.

Shame is like a thick coating of black tar that sits on top of what would be a natural and healthy sexual desire and arousal response. The natural responses are still there, but they are buried beneath the shame, which prevents the natural desire and arousal from surfacing.

Michael Bader writes in his book Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies about certain mood states that are incompatible with arousal: anxiety, guilt, and shame. To circumvent these barriers, the subconscious may invent fantasies to remove the source of the anxiety, guilt, or shame to free the person up to experience arousal.

For instance, a shame-bound person may have a sexual fantasy of being shamed or humiliated, which sexualizes the very thing that is blocking their arousal. In many other cases, a person with shame about their body or sexuality will continue to live with a repressed sexuality, unable to overcome their mental blocks or to experience their full sexual expression.

Secrecy and Psychological Splitting

Being overwhelmed with sexual guilt and shame causes people to hide sexual desires or behaviors because they perceive them as bad or unworthy. Hiding and secrecy impede a person’s relationship with others and create isolation. This exacerbates the problem of shame for the person and often disrupts their relationships with their family, friends, and community.

Sexual shame also causes psychological splitting, which happens when a person “splits off” a part of themselves that is deemed to be unacceptable. The disowned part of themselves continues to exist, but only in secret, where it often becomes distorted and intertwined with shame.

Splitting and secrecy cause many problems, including internal disconnect, relational disconnect and conflict, depression, dishonesty, infidelity, and others. Clients with this issue are able to work towards integration of their disowned parts in therapy, which can help reduce the shame.

Communication Breakdown

Couples who have sexual problems accompanied by shame often lash out at each other or shut down during conversations about their issues. The conversation usually starts with an effort to make sense of the problem and try to find a solution. But the conversation becomes frustrating quickly when there is shame involved.

A person with shame is more likely to want to deflect away from their own role in the issue, which can lead to inadvertently blaming the other person rather than owning their part. In other cases, one or both parties are so embarrassed and ashamed that they shut down, and the conversation ends in tears or shutting the other person out:

Alexandra and Neil haven’t had regular sex in years. After what they felt was a debacle on their wedding night, they slowly sank into a cycle of shame and blame. She felt embarrassed at her lack of experience and felt it was her fault the sex was awkward and painful. He felt he had failed in his role as a husband because he couldn’t please his wife. After 2 years of trying and arguing, Alexandra and Neil stopped bringing it up altogether. Now in therapy 10 years later, they have many layers of guilt and shame to process in order to heal and repair their relationship.

Sex-Related Shame: What to Do About It

Remember that many people experience shame about their sexuality and are able to heal from it. If this applies to you, consider engaging the help of a mentor or therapist and use resources such as the books listed below.

Consider meditating on the following phrases:

• “My sexuality is part of who I am.”
• “Sex is good.”
• “I can take responsibility for my sexual desires in a healthy way.”

A therapist can help you work on identifying any sex-negative or shame-based beliefs, exploring where they came from, and reframing them into something that is more positive and affirming of your sexuality. Through this process, you may also work on healing any underlying wounds. Find an understanding therapist here.

Make sure to consult a physician to rule out any physical contributors to your sexual functioning.

Sex-Positive Books on Sexuality

• Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski
• For Women Only: A Revolutionary Guide to Overcoming Sexual Dysfunction and Reclaiming Your Sex Life by Jennifer Berman, MD and Laura Berman, PhD
• Sex for One: The Joy of Self Loving by Betty Dodson, PhD
• Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want from Sex–and How to Get It by Marty Klein
• Sexual Awareness: Your Guide to Healthy Couple Sexuality by Barry McCarthy
• Sexual Shame: An Urgent Call to Healing by Karen McClintock

Books for Survivors of Sexual Trauma and Those Who Love Them

• The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis
• The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz
• Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child by Laura Davis

The two most common and well-known mental health issues are depression and anxiety. About 19% of Americans experience depression at least once in their lives. The figure for anxiety is as high as 30%, though that’s not quite as bad as it sounds because there is significant overlap. For most psychologists, treating depression and anxiety is their bread and butter. These are also the diagnoses for which medication is most often prescribed.

But saying anxiety and depression are the most common mental health diagnoses is a bit like saying pain is the most common bodily health diagnosis. If a doctor diagnosed you with chronic back pain or pain disorder unspecified, you wouldn’t be very impressed. Your back doesn’t hurt because you have back pain, since back pain is just another way of saying your back hurts. A symptom is not a diagnosis. What is true for the body is also true for the mind.

Symptom, Disorder, or Emotions?

Terms like major depression or separation anxiety are descriptions of a pattern of symptoms, not of an underlying disorder. This can be easily seen in the way the definitions change from time. For example, in the transition from the fourth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual to the fifth edition, the bereavement exclusion for depression was removed. This means you can now be diagnosed with depression without a waiting period after the death of a loved one. [fat_widget_right]

I believe we can, and should, go one step further. It is more accurate to see depression and anxiety as symptoms than disorders. But it is more accurate still to think of them as what they truly are: emotions or feelings. It has become something of a cliche in the mental health profession to say this, but it remains just as true: feeling depressed or anxious is not in itself a problem. It is only when these feelings become excessively strong and persistent that they should be considered a problem. Disordered emotional patterns are a manifestation of underlying concerns. Often—many would argue extremely often—they are manifestations of complex trauma or C-PTSD.

Thinking about mental health in this way reminds us of the need to think about all negative emotions and feelings, not just about anxiety and depression.

One of the most important of these emotions is shame. There is no such thing as “generalized shame disorder.” People seeking therapy are rarely given a psychological assessment for their levels of shame, though these assessments do exist. But shame often plays a central role in many mental health concerns, both in terms of the subjective experience of the person experiencing them and the mechanism that causes distress and prevents recovery. Complex posttraumatic stress (C-PTSD) in particular is characterized by the central role shame plays in its function and expression.

C-PTSD happens when a person experiences repeated suffering or prolonged abuse at the hands of someone they have a personal relationship with. Most often this person is a parent or caregiver, and the abuse often occurs during childhood.

Symptoms of C-PTSD are diverse. They can include:

Shame often plays a central role in many mental health concerns, both in terms of the subjective experience of the person experiencing them and the mechanism that causes distress and prevents recovery. Complex posttraumatic stress (C-PTSD) in particular is characterized by the central role shame plays in its function and expression.

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Dissociation
• Affect dysregulation
• Learned helplessness

The expression and range of symptoms vary greatly from person to person. But they can all be understood to be a process of learning to survive under adverse conditions. For example, dissociative episodes in which a person feels detached from what is happening to them might have originated as a way of surviving painful abusive episodes from which they could not escape.

Shame as a Symptom

Shame is another important symptom of C-PTSD. It can also be understood in terms of a process of adaptation to traumatic circumstances. When someone frequently faces abuse at the hands of someone they rely on for food, shelter, or other basic needs, they might begin to cope by internalizing feelings of hatred the abuse naturally evokes. When a victim blames themselves for what is happening, it may be easier to relate to the abuser as a caregiver when necessary.

This process of learning to self-blame can instill deep feelings of shame that persist long into later life. People with C-PTSD often find themselves gripped by intense feelings of shame that debilitate them and trap them in a cycle of despair. Intense and uncontrollable feelings of shame can be a major obstacle to recovery. They prevent people from being able to confront what happened in the past. But this is a necessary part of the healing process.

Just like depression, anxiety, and stress, shame is not inherently bad in all situations. It can be helpful to keep this in mind. For example, imagine a situation where you have done something wrong or immoral. You know no one is likely to find out about it, but your actions still caused harm to another person. Do you confess and try to make amends? We would all hope to answer “yes.” But if you do pass this moral test, what emotion prompted you to do so? The answer is shame. Shame is the voice that tells us, in this case correctly, that we have done something wrong.

The path to long-term recovery from C-PTSD takes us through a new process of learning and adaptation. On this journey, the various emotions and feelings that make up the human personality can find their proper balance. If you would like support exploring symptoms and beginning to work toward healing, seek help from a qualified, compassionate therapist or counselor today.

References:

1. Crittenden, P. M., Heller, M. B. (2017). The roots of chronic posttraumatic stress disorder: Childhood trauma, information processing, and self-protective strategies. Chronic Stress, 1, 1-13. Retrieved from http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/2470547016682965
2. Kessler, R. C., & Bromet, E. J. (2013). The epidemiology of depression across cultures. Annual Review of Public Health, 34, 119–138. Retrieved from https://www.annualreviews.org/doi/10.1146/annurev-publhealth-031912-114409
3. Lawson, D. M. (2017, June 17). Treating adults with complex trauma: An evidence-based case study. Journal of Counseling and Development, 95(3), 288-298. Retrieved from https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/jcad.12143
4.  Sar, V. (2011, March 7). Developmental trauma, complex PTSD, and the current proposal of DSM-5 . European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 2(1). Retrieved from https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.3402/ejpt.v2i0.5622
5. Tarocchi, A., Aschieri, F., Fantini, F., & Smith, J. D. (2013, March 25). Therapeutic assessment of complex trauma: A single-case time-series study. Clinical Case Studies, 12(3), 228–245. Retrieved from http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1534650113479442

Have you ever felt shame while talking to your therapist? Have they ever said or did something that triggered this feeling?

I’m hoping your therapist has never intentionally instigated shame, but it’s possible that, at some point, the way they ask a question, respond to you, or make a particular facial expression may initiate a shame response. Perhaps their eyes widened when you spoke about a fetish or sexual practice, related an argument you had with a friend, or described something you did on an interview that didn’t go well.

On one hand, maybe they were shocked. We therapists hear a lot, but even the most experienced therapist can be surprised at times. On the other hand, we may noticeably react for a different reason. Maybe we’re making an association with something in our own life. Or maybe we’re having gas. You, the person we are working with, has no idea which of these is the case. But that’s not the important part. The important part is that you picked up on something from us that caused you to feel shame. [fat_widget_right]

And that is something that should be discussed.

Building Trust to Examine Our Shame

Most of us go through life learning how best to avoid shame and have likely developed (consciously or unconsciously) any number of ways to do this. One of the benefits of therapy is that it allows us the opportunity to examine and challenge a well-honed (overdeveloped?) shame response.

But of course, we can only exercise this opportunity if we are comfortable enough—and trust our therapist enough—to let them know when shame arises. Because not only are we good at feeling shame, we have also, in most cases, become very good at hiding our shame. We might get angry instead. Or we might cry. Sometimes we hold in our emotions and experience them physically, in the form of stomach pain or headaches, for example. In some cases, our shame might even be converted into a panic attack.

Telling someone their reaction to something we shared caused us to feel shame is a hugely brave thing to do. What better place for that act of bravery than in the therapy room?

Finding Relief from the Weight of Shame

Talking about shame can often open a portal, as it can serve to expose so many of the reasons we aren’t living the life we say we want to be living. Why we’re not taking a risk on a career, for example, or why we’re not opening up to a partner—even though by not doing so we could end up losing them. I can’t tell you how often I begin working with men who tell me they’re finally trying out therapy because too many partners have said they can no longer continue a relationship with them until they are able to share more. They aren’t aware yet that it’s the shame stopping them.

Talking about shame can often open a portal, as it can serve to expose so many of the reasons we aren’t living the life we say we want to be living.

These aren’t men affected by ideas of toxic masculinity, either. These are men who know they are supposed to express themselves more, men who have received all the messages supporting increased empathy, compassion, communication, and so on–everything a so-called “Modern Man” should be—but they’ve never been taught how to be that man.

But many of these men, once they begin talking about this shame and related issues in a supportive environment, begin to realize how much of their energy has been going to defending against it. The relief they experience can be astounding!

Shame isn’t everything. There are many reasons people choose to seek out counseling. Shame is no small concern, though, because the energy we put into pushing shame away could be energy spent addressing and working to heal from our anxiety, our depression, our trauma.

If you trust your therapist, take the risk.

(If you don’t feel comfortable bringing up this issue with your therapist, please remember it’s always all right to seek a second opinion. If you’re concerned your therapist is intentionally shaming you, you might consider reviewing these warning signs of bad therapy.)

Sixty-one percent of mothers have been criticized for their parenting choices, according to new data from the C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital National Poll on Children’s Health. Rather than questioning their choices, most women (67%) reported that the criticism made them feel more strongly about their parenting choices.

Mom Shaming a Common Annoyance

“Mom shaming” is the practice of criticizing a woman’s parenting choices, often without considering the role of fathers, other caregivers, cultural factors, or financial constraints in these choices. Parenting decisions can carry significant emotional and cultural weight. Mom shaming can be a source of distress that labels women as bad mothers.

To explore the prevalence and effects of mom shaming, researchers asked a sample of mothers of children ages 0-5 about their experiences with mom shaming. The survey asked about specific sources of mom shaming, such as breastfeeding versus bottle-feeding, sleep habits, and car seat safety. It also included questions about who shamed mothers and how they reacted.

[fat_widget_right]Most women (61%) faced criticism of their parenting choices. Their parents were the most common source (37%), followed by their spouse or co-parent (36%) and in-laws (31%). Friends (14%) were less likely to criticize, as were other mothers in public settings (12%). Social media accounted for just 7% of shaming. Health care providers (8%) and childcare providers (6%) were also less frequent critics.

Discipline was the most common source of criticism (70%), though feeding choices (52%) and sleep (46%) also figured prominently.

How Does Shaming Affect Mothers?

Mothers reported a range of responses to shaming. Most sought out more information (60%) or asked a health care provider (53%). About a third (37%) changed the way they parent, but for most mothers, criticism solidified their belief in their own parenting choices.

A significant number (42%) also reported increased insecurity in their parenting choices due to criticism. Half said they avoid critical people, and 56% said their experiences of mom shaming caused them to stop criticizing other mothers.

Reference:

Mom shaming or constructive criticism? Perspectives of mothers. (2017, June 19). Retrieved from http://mottnpch.org/reports-surveys/mom-shaming-or-constructive-criticism-perspectives-mothers

In my therapy practice I see a number of men who struggle with erectile dysfunction (ED), a majority of whom are also contending with anxiety and shame. Most of the issues of ED are secondary to other issues in a person’s life, problems that may include attraction, misunderstood sexual desire, and mood-related concerns, to name a few.

Nearly all of the individuals I work with face a personal struggle that appears to stem from cultural and social expectations. Erections are important to men. In fact, we often use them as a measure of manhood, and sexual performance is often filled with meaning, emotions, expectations, and assumptions. These social expectations can become extremely powerful when a person has ED. Many men end up avoiding sex altogether because it becomes so shaming for them. It may be challenging for some to find the motivation to try different treatments and exercises when they are not convinced they will see positive results. This lack of motivation can lead to ongoing avoidance, which may create a vicious cycle.

Cultural Rigidity Around the Idea of Sex

As I stated above, I have found that many men with ED choose to abstain from sex entirely, in order to avoid shame and other feelings associated with being unable to live up to cultural expectations of sexual acts and performance. Men in particular may be held to certain expectations of performance, virility, desire, and so on. When they don’t live up to this script, symptoms of ED often get worse, which may have further negative effects.

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But sex is more than just one certain physical act, and there are any number of ways that people can engage in sexual activity. Sex often connects people emotionally, and for many it holds a great deal of meaning. It can be even more expansive when one also considers the physical aspects of sex: Physical intimacy can include various types of touch. Genital touch is one of these, but sex is not strictly limited to this form of intimacy.

So, then, why is it so common that ED issues prevent men from having sex altogether? I believe it is not because they are actually unable to have sex but because they feel as if they are unable to do so. This belief may stem from personal experiences, but it can also develop as a result of the pressure of social expectations, which may lead some to feel so ashamed that they are unable to consider other options.

Therapy for ED: Addressing Social Expectations

Shame, in part, occurs as part of a struggle to separate ourselves from a situation, problem, or outcome. Almost all of the men who come to me seeking therapy for ED are actively struggling with this separation. In other words, they believe they are the problem they are having. They feel shame because their erectile “failure” tells them they are a failure.

This struggle has to be validated in treatment because it is based in a level of reality. Many people in our society may find it challenging to separate sexual outcomes from who a person is. This reality can immobilize some individuals to their core, causing them to experience relationship problems, work-related issues, and an increased risk of depression and anxiety. These outside issues often have the effect of further increasing stress, which can further worsen ED-related issues

Therapy for ED, then, is usually more expansive than the issue itself. In the beginning of therapy, it can often seem like we’re not directly dealing with the presenting issue at all. This is because we’re de-emphasizing the focus from remaining on one part of the body.

A broader focus is important because sex is so much more meaningful than that part of the body. Men who struggle with erections are just as worthy of having sex as anyone else. Sex with penetration can be wonderful, but sex without penetration can be an equally wonderful experience. By broadening the definition and expectations of sex, we open the door for a person to have successful sexual experiences, even if there is an erectile failure.

It is often in this broadening that men begin to build a foundation from which they can effectively address their issues. The prior space may have been too heavily focused on the negative experiences associated with ED. While this understandable, it almost gives the issue so much power that there is nowhere for the negative energy to go. Thus, this negative energy remains bound in the confines of the problem, which is held tightly together by shame. Once individuals begin to develop the understanding that their sexuality does not hinge on erectile failure or success, they are often able to build increased shame resilience. This increased resilience often leads to erectile success without unnecessary or intense pressure.

Men with ED who have a goal of overcoming it should by no means give up on this often-achievable goal. I believe that a counterintuitive focus can be extremely helpful to men who have ED. What I mean by this is that they should focus less on the issue. I encourage them instead to develop an understanding of the intensity of their focus. Creating an understanding about what is preventing their progress can also be beneficial, as it can allow them to experience sexual pleasure while working toward their goal of increased erectile success.

Sex can be fun, pleasurable, and connective. And, contrary to popular belief, it does not require an erection.

One of my favorite writers, fellow social worker Brené Brown, has dedicated years researching vulnerability and all those other seemingly ugly things—such as shame and fear—that get in our way of becoming our best selves. Vulnerability, in particular, gets a bad rap. Although it seems unappealing at best and hurts like hell at worst, vulnerability is a prerequisite when it comes to living a life of authenticity and intimacy.

As a writer, I often put myself “out there” at the risk of being rejected, criticized, and judged. (Surprise—three of my least favorite things!) As a therapist, I ask the people I work with in the therapy room to do the same—that is, if their goal is to create deeper intimacy in their lives. Brown’s work has forced me to turn the mirror on myself and find out how shame and the fear of being vulnerable are holding me back from being the best writer (and therapist, friend, sister, partner, etc.) I can be.

It’s important to note the difference between guilt, the feeling of regret for one’s actions, and its more pervasive counterpart, shame, the feeling that we, at our core, are not good enough, inadequate, less than, and undeserving.

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In her book Daring Greatly, Brown speaks of the little “gremlins,” or the negative messages we give ourselves (often external sources internalized), and how, in a twist of self-fulfilling fate, those negative gremlins sometimes end up showing up all around us. For example, the old friend you made back when you were in a dark place (when you could keep each other’s misery company) who expects you to be the same you and attacks you when you’re not. (Tip: It may be time to de-friend that friend.) Or the colleague who resents your achievements and thus feels the need to put you down to lift himself or herself up. (Reminder: It’s not you, it’s him/her!) And, finally, one of the worst creations to have come from modern technology—so-called Internet trolls. (What less courageous way to express yourself than to anonymously and publicly bully/shame someone brave enough to put themselves out there?)

The title of Brown’s book is inspired from Theodore Roosevelt’s “Citizenship in a Republic” speech, in which he states: “It’s not the critic who counts. … The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, who if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” If you are going to criticize someone’s work or behavior, Brown suggests, you’d better be in the arena, bloody and sweaty and fighting right along with that person.

What sadder outcome than the shutting down of a voice that could possibly add something to the world, if only simply touching one life for the better?

I’d like to add that if you feel the need to criticize, do so openly and with respect. Or better yet, as my mother used to say, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

What sadder outcome than the shutting down of a voice that could possibly add something to the world, if only simply touching one life for the better? How many voices and gifts would we have missed out on if those who were brave enough to dare allowed the naysayers to shut them down?

I speak to myself as I struggle to allow myself to even write this piece as, you can be sure, my own gremlins are hard at work. But, like Brown, I will walk the walk and put my words into the ether regardless of how vulnerable it may make me. Because ultimately, I do aspire to a life lived with authenticity and intimacy—no matter how much it may hurt. The alternative is just not an option. So, bring it on.

I dare and encourage you to do the same.

What are some things that shame and fear are preventing you from achieving?

I’ve been a jerk many times in my life. But one time that stands out for me happened when I was 13. I had been invited to the bat mitzvah of a girl I barely knew. A bat mitzvah is a big event; at least 100 people were there. After singing “Happy Birthday,” some kid usually started chanting, “Skip around the room, skip around the room, we won’t shut up until you skip around the room.” Obviously, the intent was to make the birthday child … skip around the room.

On this occasion, I started the chant, but it fell flat on its face. Not a single person joined the chant with me.

It wasn’t until I was in college, recalling this embarrassing incident, that I finally realized my shameful behavior. The birthday girl, who appeared in class sporadically, sometimes showed up on crutches and sometimes arrived in a wheelchair. I had completely forgotten about her disability because she had put them aside for her bat mitzvah. Ignorantly, obliviously, I had thrown her illness in everyone’s face. What a horrible child!

It’s easier to forgive a child’s behavior than an adult’s. It’s also easier to forgive unintentional cruelty than intentional harm. But regardless, I will always feel a little ashamed that I hurt that girl and her family that day.

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Shame, that gut-wrenching, nauseating feeling, keeps people from acknowledging when they’ve been hurtful. So often, admitting that you’re guilty means being overcome with shame. We all want to be the good guy. It’s awful to discover that we’ve been the villain.

The other thing that stops people from admitting when they’ve been wrong is punishment. Often, the punishment is shame: “Shame on you!” If a person admits to a spouse that he or she has been overreactive or harsh toward the spouse, will the person be understood and forgiven or will he/she be punished and repeatedly shamed?

Being able to take responsibility for one’s bad behavior is in everyone’s best interest. Being condescending, being harshly critical, being explosive, being prejudiced—these behaviors and more may occur for all of us, but unacknowledged and unchecked, they can become a person’s identity, overshadowing higher qualities and damaging or destroying relationships.

What to do:

• Focus on learning about yourself, not punishing yourself
• Separate the behavior from your identity; you can overcome the behavior, and it doesn’t have to define who you are
• Be honest with yourself
• Breathe, calm yourself, and tolerate the unpleasant feelings
• Take responsibility for your behavior
• Apologize, if possible
• Commit to being the person you want to be

What not to do:
Twelve-step groups, support groups, and psychotherapy can assist individuals in regaining clarity and self-compassion in order to end abusive behaviors, including the abusive behavior of self-loathing and self-abuse.

• Lie to yourself
• Blame the victim
• Beat yourself up

These suggestions are sometimes easier said than done. It can take time, patience, and emotional support to work through these steps. A person may not get the understanding and forgiveness he or she desires. It’s important to do it anyway, regardless of the reaction. Just because someone becomes aware of his or her behavior doesn’t mean it won’t happen again. Hopefully, with repeated awareness and commitment, the person can learn to stop it faster.

In families that carry histories of substance abuse and/or physical abuse, the level of damage can be extreme, resulting in a greater need to justify, ignore, or suppress awareness of these behaviors. Twelve-step groups, support groups, and psychotherapy can assist individuals in regaining clarity and self-compassion in order to end abusive behaviors, including the abusive behavior of self-loathing and self-abuse.

No one is perfect. There is no shame in learning, growing, and striving to be your best self.

In many families, the belief that children must honor their parents is a given. It may be seen as a tenet of the family’s culture, religion, or may be so fundamental that it is experienced as a rule of nature. In any particular family, the meaning of honoring one’s parents can vary from total obedience to respectfully listening to the wishes, perspectives, requests, etc., that parents express. In any particular family, the consequences of dishonoring a parent can range from mild feelings of anger, hurt, and sadness to intense anger, disappointment, extreme hurt, and disownment. (I am not considering the kinds of families which go to extremes which could result in honor killings.

In families with intense and powerful beliefs that children must honor their parents by sharing their points of view and behaving accordingly, children learn that any attempt to differentiate themselves from their parents by having separate, diverse perspectives or needs is unacceptable. Growing up, they learn what consequences to expect should they express their separate, differentiated selves when they are in conflict with family values. For children who struggle with these feelings, the dilemma of how to honor one’s parents and still be “true” to oneself is not easily resolved.

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It is hard to imagine, even in families and cultures with strict admonitions not to depart from parental ways, that children don’t have thoughts that differ from what parents want. To protect themselves and preserve the parent-child relationship, children develop ways of coping. Some unconsciously dissociate (not be consciously aware of) their conflicting wishes, needs, and thoughts. Others suffer quietly and internally with the conflicts between what they think and desire for themselves and their wishes not to hurt, anger, disappoint, or shame their parents.

In my work as a therapist, I often encounter people who seek therapy when they can no longer contain these conflicts and feel that any choice they make between what their parents wish for them and what they want for themselves is unbearable. (Here I am not considering people who dissociate.) Most of these people express loving feelings toward their parents. They are vulnerable to feelings of selfishness, self-betrayal, fear of angering or disappointing parents, and pain about hurting parents. There may be intense shame that their thoughts and feelings are not those of a good child and that their choices could dishonor and shame the parent in the family or community.

As a therapist who values self-determination, individuation, and agency, it is essential that I recognize and respect the value systems that people have internalized. There are no rights and wrongs here. Each person I work with needs to be helped to understand, as much as possible, what his or her conflicts are about, and which choices result in the most tolerable consequences. Therapy has to facilitate the process of making the intolerable feelings more tolerable.

“Lucy” is a 26-year-old Asian woman who came to my office racked with conflict. She and her 29-year-old brother were born in the United States; her parents were born in Asia, where they met and married. They came to the U.S. before the children were born. Most of Lucy’s aunts and uncles emigrated around the same time as her parents and she now has a large extended family, mostly in the Northwest. Lucy came to New York to go to graduate school for fine arts. She met Peter, who is not Asian, in one of her classes two years ago, and Peter has asked her to marry him.

Lucy told me, “I love him so much, but I think it will kill my parents. I haven’t told them about him. When I’ve gone home for vacations, they always want to fix me up with someone from my culture, but I’ve managed to get around it. I also haven’t let Peter know how much of a problem it is for me. I don’t think I can keep up this charade. I keep thinking maybe I should just marry him and never tell them. I don’t know how Peter would feel about that. I can’t imagine giving him up, and I feel so selfish. But if I tell them, I can imagine my mother sobbing hysterically and never getting over the hurt. I can see my Aunt Lynn saying something mean to my mother about how she has such a dishonorable and disrespectful daughter. My mother will die of shame. What am I going to do?”

“Wow,” I said. “You are up against a lot of powerful forces that are tearing you apart and making the possibility of coming to a decision a horrible proposition. You can’t win. But you obviously can’t continue to stay in what must feel like a terrible war going on inside you.”

“Yes, that’s it!” Lucy said. “How can I possibly make any choice and be OK with it?”

“I don’t know that you will ever be fully OK with any choice you come to, but I’d like to help you be OK enough with how to proceed with your life,” I said.

Lucy and I used our sessions to explore her understanding of her family, her culture, and their values. We clarified the powerful nature of respect and honor for the wishes of the elders in the family and the importance of tradition. Lucy acknowledged that her wanting to marry someone from another culture was especially threatening. It not only was going against what her parents wanted, but this particular act—marrying a non-Asian man—would be seen as a public announcement of going against parental wishes.

“I didn’t have the words for it before,” Lucy said. “It seems this is not a private conflict between me and my parents. It is there for all to see. I am such a bad daughter. My brother and all my cousins have married within our culture. It will bring such shame to my family. I don’t know if I could do this to them.”

I asked Lucy if she was worried about anything other than the impact on her parents and family if she were to marry Peter. She thought for a while and started to cry softly. “I love them so much,” she said. “I worry that they will never forgive me, that they will hate me. I’ll be all alone.”

Lucy began to sob. “What if they refuse to be my children’s grandparents? What kind of family will I bring my children into? How can I do this?”

It was apparent that Lucy had kept her family totally in the dark about Peter. I wondered if they were as clueless as she thought. I also began to wonder with Lucy about some theoretical possibilities (not suggestions): What would she guess would happen if she casually mentioned that she had a date with this man Peter to her mother? Her father? Brother? A cousin? Would there be different responses? Would anybody seem interested or excited for her? These questions created some thoughts that surprised both Lucy and me. She realized that there would probably be different responses. She was pretty sure her cousin Cindy would be really into it and it wouldn’t be a big deal. Then she thought her brother might be OK with it, too. She felt her father would get cold and withdrawn to express his anger, and she was certain that her mother would be inconsolable, hurt, and ashamed.

As Lucy and I continue to examine the issues and explore them from all angles, it doesn’t feel as hopeless as when we first began talking. Lucy is planning to talk to her brother. This is an opening up by including a family member in the secret of Lucy and Peter. Perhaps Lucy will find an ally in the family. She has a fantasy of introducing Peter to her brother. Another breakthrough has been that Lucy has told Peter about her conflicts and her worries. His comforting response and willingness to let her find her way through this dilemma has strengthened her resolve to find some emotionally acceptable resolution for herself.

In our explorations, it was clear that growing up, Lucy had been successful hiding differences with her parents. When she felt strongly that she wanted or thought something that they would disapprove of, she kept it a secret. She had never really disobeyed them in any serious way. She had always been able to contain her conflict and struggle internally.

Considering marrying Peter was the first time she could not keep her conflict inside. Now that her struggle is more out in the open, she is in the process of determining how and if to keep it private or if it is safe enough to make it more external. Her consideration of including her brother, for example, could lead to a conflict between the two. The fact this is a consideration for Lucy moves the conflict resolution process to a new arena.

It is hard to imagine that Lucy’s family will come to fully embrace Peter and/or that Lucy will feel totally untroubled by a choice to marry Peter. Although it seems that Lucy is trying to find a way to be OK with marrying Peter, at any time in Lucy’s struggle to decide what and who to honor, she could choose her parents. For example, Lucy has told me that she could never marry Peter and not tell. She also could never tolerate her parents disowning her. So there is still work for Lucy to do to as she focuses on resolving her conflict. Hopefully, it will result in an outcome that feels acceptable.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.