Colorful bird taking flightThe transition from actively parenting children to a quieter life without children in the home can be difficult for any dedicated parent. For single parents, the transition may prove especially challenging. Empty nest syndrome, however, is not always a negative experience. An emerging line of research suggests many parents actually experience a sense of generativity, renewed relationships, and excitement when children leave home.

It’s normal to experience both elation and sadness as children transition into adulthood. When a parent does not have a partner from whom to seek support, these emotions can feel overwhelming.

Empty Nest Syndrome: What Is It?

For many parents, parenting becomes a primary source of identity. They may spend almost all of their time on parenting tasks over the course of 18 or more years. So when a child leaves home, a parent may be left with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, and confusion about their identity. It’s normal to struggle with a transition and to grieve the loss of time with a child. For some parents, though, empty nest syndrome triggers feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and loneliness that can morph into depression.

It’s normal to experience both elation and sadness as children transition into adulthood. When a parent does not have a partner from whom to seek support, these emotions can feel overwhelming.

The classic, stereotypical form of empty nest syndrome is considered to strike stay-at-home parents. When a parent, stereotypically a mother, stays home with a child, that parent may have few other sources of identity. When a child no longer needs the parent, they may feel overwhelmed by their own freedom.

According to the research of psychologist Karen Fingerman, however, this phenomenon is shifting. More mothers work outside of the home. Communicating with children who are away at college is easier and more affordable than ever. So fewer parents, especially mothers, may experience empty nest syndrome.

In single parent families, the mother may be even more likely to work. This could reduce the risk of empty nest syndrome, since single parents already have another source of identity and fulfillment. However, the lack of a partner can make an empty house feel even emptier. There is no specific research on the risk of empty nest syndrome among single parents as opposed to partnered parents, and because empty nest syndrome is not a disease but instead an amorphous collection of symptoms, little research has identified specific risk factors for this phenomenon.

Empty Nest Syndrome for Single Moms and Dads

Single parents make many sacrifices for their children. While a partnered parent may be able to sneak in a few hours of leisure time each week or sleep a little later thanks to the help of another parent, single parents are often forced to do it all alone. That means less leisure time, less sleep, less time for other pursuits. Some single parents forego career changes, romance, new hobbies, and new friendships so they can have more time for their kids.

When a child moves away, single parents have more time. That can mean more time to do things they enjoy, but it may also remove a sense of purpose and joy. Some single parents may feel depressed about things they gave up because of their kids. For example, they may grieve the romantic relationships that could have been or fear that it’s too late for a career change or new hobby.

Empty Nest Syndrome: Myth vs. Reality

While many single parents experience empty nest syndrome, many also experience a renewed sense of purpose when their children leave. It’s a myth that a child’s transition to adulthood is always painful for the parents. Parenting is exhausting, time-consuming work.

Some parents relish the chance to sleep in, have more free time, pursue new relationships, and reconnect with an identity separate from parenting.

Many parents report feeling pride and joy as their children transition to adulthood. Sometimes the parent-child relationship also improves when a child moves out, since the parent can begin cultivating a friendship with the child. Some parents report connecting to their child on a deeper level when the child moves out.

Though popular myths suggest mothers are more likely to experience empty nest syndrome, some research finds empty nest-related grief is actually more prevalent among men.

Dealing with Empty Nest As a Single Parent

There’s no “right” way to feel after a child leaves home. Indeed, many parents vacillate between feelings of sadness and joy. Instead of worrying about whether their feelings are appropriate, parents should give themselves permission to explore their emotions as they transition into the next chapter of their parenting lives.

Some strategies that may help parents deal with the transition to an empty nest include:

Talking through your emotions with a therapist can also help. A therapist can help you understand the role parenthood plays in your identity, then work with you to cultivate a new sense of identity. In therapy, you will work to identify self-defeating thoughts, adopt self-care tactics that reduce the risk of depression, and work toward a deeper understanding of yourself outside your role as a parent.

The right therapist can also help you adopt strategies that preserve your relationship with your child as they transition to greater independence. If your child’s transition to adulthood has shifted the family dynamic or caused conflict with other children or family members, family therapy may help.

To find a therapist who can help with empty nest syndrome, click here.

References:

  1. Clay, R. A. (2003). An empty nest can promote freedom, improved relationships. Monitor on Psychology, 34(4), 40. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/monitor/apr03/pluses
  2. Heffernan, L., & Wallace, J. B. (2017, August 2). How to thrive in an empty nest. The New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/02/well/family/how-to-thrive-in-an-empty-nest.html
  3. Mitchell, B. A., & Lovegreen, L. D. (2009, July 13). The empty nest syndrome in midlife families: A multimethod exploration of parental gender differences and cultural dynamics. Journal of Family Issues, 30(12), 1651-1670. Retrieved from https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0192513X09339020
  4. Raup, J. L., & Myers, J. E. (1989). The empty nest syndrome: Myth or reality? Journal of Counseling & Development, 68(2), 180-183. Retrieved from https://libres.uncg.edu/ir/uncg/f/J_Myers_Empty_1989.pdf
  5. The dangers of empty nest syndrome. (2014, October 7). Retrieved from https://healthcare.utah.edu/the-scope/shows.php?shows=0_etom70c6

Woman riding a bicycle looking into the distanceIn my practice, I have worked with my fair share of single women in their 30s, 40s, and 50s. Most of these women express a desire to be in a long-term relationship and eventually married. Not every woman desires relationships or marriage, and many are content to remain single. I want to be clear that single women are not damsels in distress waiting to be rescued. However, I want to speak specifically to those who desire to date, be in a committed relationship, or be married, and for whom it’s currently not happening.

Singleness can be particularly difficult for women over age 25 as they watch their friends marry and have children. They often ask the question, “What’s wrong with me?” while simultaneously listening to media that proclaim they should be “independent” and that they “don’t need anyone.” They may feel torn between these two messages of finding a lifelong partner and feeling the pressure to “fly solo.”

It can be tempting to minimize this desire with platitudes such as: “You’ll find someone,” “But you’re so young!” and “Don’t worry so much about it.” These do not often give voice to the single woman’s experience. For clinicians working with this population, it’s important to remember the following.

Reflect the pain and loneliness you notice and make space for the sadness, as it may have often been minimized by others.

Acknowledge the Pain and Sadness

The pain and sadness of being single is real. It may be difficult for these women to discuss this with friends who are already married because they feel their experience won’t be understood. It may be difficult for them to discuss this with their single friends, as they are in the same situation.

They may feel silly for wanting a life partner or feel as if they should be more independent. As their therapist, you can offer compassion for their painful experience. Reflect the pain and loneliness you notice and make space for the sadness, as it may have often been minimized by others. You can also offer validation for their current experience, as dating and not finding anyone can be its own set of discouragements.

Discuss the Practicalities

Being in a relationship has some tangible advantages. From finances, to chores, to emotional support, you have someone you can lean on. Talk through the practical side of things with your single female clients. They may not feel they have someone they can rely on if they have to go to the hospital in an emergency. They may be wondering if they lose their housing whether someone will take them in. This is only compounded for single women who do not have family they can call upon for help.

Help them build upon their support network. Ask them questions like “Who can you call on in times of trouble?” “Where can you find like-minded people to form a ‘family’ with?” Consider the adage, You cannot choose who you’re related to, but you can choose your friends.

Encouraging single women to live their lives as fully as possible will allow them to build the support network they need. This might include things like joining a club, church, or religious organization, playing sports, or traveling. Talk with your clients about what they enjoy and how they can connect with others in an effort to build upon their supports.

Process the Pressure

Single women feel a lot of pressure to be in a relationship. It’s possible their families are constantly asking them, “When are you going to find someone?” or “You’re such a catch—how come you’re not married yet?”

These statements only serve the purpose of making women feel worse. They look inside and ask the question “How come I haven’t found anyone yet?” which only induces more shame and guilt. They watch on social media as their friends pair off one by one, and the same is true for television and movies. Shows like The Bachelor have become incredible main stays because they highlight this very notion, that life should end in some kind of lavish engagement. This creates an incredible amount of pressure for single women who want to be married.

Explore with your clients what this is like. What kind of messages are they receiving about being single? What do they do with these messages? Are there people in their life that pressure them in a way that is unhealthy? Can they set boundaries with those who are constantly asking about their marital state? Help them develop an inner voice that is able to connect with what it really wants.

Sometimes it can be easy to get caught up in the messages that media and friends are setting, and the single women forgets to listen to her own voice.

Explore the Significance of Being Single

Singleness is not just about not having someone in your life; there is meaning behind not being in a relationship, and this is necessary to look at. For many single women at a certain age, it means not being able to have children. This is a reality for women who are not able to freeze their eggs, do surrogacy, and do not plan to adopt or foster children. There is grief that goes along with this reality.

As a therapist, it is important to validate the sadness that goes along with this loss. Likely, these women may feel uncomfortable broaching the subject with their parenting friends, and it can be helpful when a professional wants to know more about their experience.

Explore the loss with your clients and allow them to talk about the other losses connected with it, such as not “providing” grandchildren or not having someone to carry on their family name. Providing a safe space to process loss that may seem confusing to others can be incredibly important.

Three friends sit outside talking and laughing while eating in late afternoonWhen we think of developmental milestones, we often think of children. But a lot of people aren’t aware that we continue to experience change points in life as we grow and age. As part of these changes, we may face both internal and societal pressures to meet certain “typical” developmental milestones.

One of the expectations society tends to place on us during middle age is that we have reached the peak of our careers and the arc of our relationship and family development.

If you are reading this blog, then there is a good chance you are already all too aware that this expectation can leave many middle-aged single people feeling lost, isolated, and left out of the “race.”

It is easy for me to say things like, “We don’t all experience life in the same ways,” and “There is no one right way to live life.” But it’s not always easy to hear things like that when you’re the one who is single and looking all around you at social media posts and community members who seem to have it all. Seeing others succeeding in their relationships when you are single and don’t want to be can leave you feeling isolated and grossly left behind.

3 Feelings You May Have

1. Confusion

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Maybe you are a person who, by most standards, has your life together. Maybe you are gainfully employed, social, reasonably attractive, and willing to put yourself out there. But you still don’t seem to be meeting the right people, including someone who could be the true love mate you’re looking for.

You see all the people in your inner circle moving forward, buying second homes, and sending kids off to college. But you haven’t even met the person you are supposed to be with yet.

Your friends may boast about how amazing you are. They tell you how sure they are you will find the person who will love you until death do you part (if you are into that sort of thing). But their reassurances may actually make you feel worse.

If all the above variables are true, of course you are confused. Why wouldn’t you be? You are confused because you have done the work and put in the time. But you still feel, for some reason, it isn’t happening.

I want to validate for you here that feeling confused about why everyone around you seems to be “getting it” when you aren’t is normal. It’s human. And anyone else in your shoes would likely be confused, too.

It can help to lean into the confusion without judgment. Sometimes we simply don’t have the answers to why we are going through something in life until later down the road. By simply allowing the questions, without needing immediate answers, we can take some of the strain we are feeling down a few notches. Doing so can also help us have more compassion for ourselves. Confusion is valid, yes. Beating ourselves up for it is not likely to be helpful, though.

2. Fear

Fear is a part of life. We all experience it from time to time. You might fear never finding someone to date, let alone spend the rest of your life with. You are not alone in this. I have often heard people I’m working with in therapy and middle-aged friends who are single report fears of being alone forever. Some also say they have spent so much time alone they are afraid they’ve forgotten how to date or be in a relationship.

It is normal to feel disappointed and afraid when life lands you in a spot you hadn’t expected. But it can be a good rule of thumb in these moments to take stock of the positive things you do have in your life.

It is normal to feel disappointed and afraid when life lands you in a spot you hadn’t expected. But it can be a good rule of thumb in these moments to take stock of the positive things you do have in your life. In some ways, your single status (while it may not be ideal) may have freed you up to do any number of things your partnered friends don’t have the financial freedom or time to enjoy.

The more you focus on the gifts of your current situation, the more likely you are to attract a partner. But not just any partner, the right partner—a person who will meet your already situated and joyful life.

The ideal relationship isn’t born out of desperation or fear. But one can certainly develop from the self-love and self-growth that stems from that initial fear.

3. Left behind

If you are middle-aged and single, it is likely that many of the people you know are in relationships or married, often with children. When a person has a partner, children, and a career to focus on, they may spend less time with their friends as a result. They might check in with their single friends even less. You may feel lonely as a result of these changes. But the changes don’t mean your friends with families have stopped caring about you. It just means their availability has changed.

But this type of relationship change, especially when it seems to happen with a lot of people at once, can leave a single person feeling forgotten, left out and sometimes even all alone. Even those who are fiercely independent and love their own company may find that over time, going to parties, baby showers, and weddings alone can become draining and exacerbate feelings of fear and confusion.

When you’re feeling left out or left behind, it can help to realize your friends have reached a phase in life where spending time with friends is no longer a priority. They are still your friends. But it might be time to consider taking steps to make more friends who are aligned with your current life path. Even a simple step, like joining a local group, taking an art or exercise class, or spending more time at your local coffee shop, can make a difference. It can also help to spend more time in places in your community, where the faces are familiar and new friendships can blossom.

Tips to Cope

Surrounding yourself with other people who are living a shared experience may help you feel better about your current situation. This shift alone can help alter the feelings of being isolated or “different” that can come up as you go through a phase of life that is not the same as that of the people around you.

It can also help to keep the following in mind:

If you struggle with working through concerns related to relationships, singlehood, or aging on your own, a compassionate, qualified counselor can provide support and guidance.

mother and child pretending to fly outsideChildren who grow up in two-parent families and those who grow up with mothers who choose single parenting fare equally well, according to a study presented at the 33rd annual meeting of the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology.

In 1981, Jane Mattes, LCSW, founded the Single Mothers by Choice organization. Mattes developed the organization in part to differentiate older, financially stable single mothers from teen mothers, who typically face a range of sociological and economic challenges. Since 1981, the number of single women who choose to have children has grown. According to data from the 2012 U.S. Census, 30% of American households are headed by single parents. Most of those parents are mothers.

No Difference in Outcomes for Children with Single Mothers by Choice

Some politicians and policy analysts have argued that single motherhood endangers children. This study undermines that claim. It included 69 single mothers by choice and 59 mothers who raised their children in heterosexual two-parent families. The mothers’ children were between 1.5 and 6 years old.

[fat_widget_right]Using three empirically validated questionnaires, the study compared children’s well-being and mothers’ support networks between single and two-parent families. In both types of families, there were no significant differences in emotional investment, parental stress, or problem behaviors in children. Additionally, single mothers reported receiving significantly more social support. They were also more likely to report wanting even more social support.

Previous Research on Single Parenting

According to study author Mathilde Brewaeys, policy analysts often base their single parenting research primarily on children of divorce. These children often face an environment of family conflict, making their lives and potential outcomes much different from those of children raised by women who actively choose solo parenting.

Previous research has reached similar conclusions. A 2016 study of 51 single-mother families and 52 dual-parent families found no substantive differences in child adjustment, parent-child relationships, and similar measures of well-being.

References:

  1. Children in single-mother-by-choice families do just as well as those in two-parent families. (2017, July 5). Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/07/170705095332.htm
  2. Golombok, S., Zadeh, S., Imrie, S., Smith, V., & Freeman, T. (2016). Single mothers by choice: Mother-child relationships and children’s psychological adjustment. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(4), 409-418. doi:10.1037/fam0000188
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