woman sitting at the table working with laptop at home around christmas treeThe holidays provide for perhaps one of the most joyful and yet the most stressful times of the year. The season affords each of us an opportunity to reflect on the special meaning of the holidays whether related to personal relationships, family, or religion. 

What are some things with which we must cope during the holiday? 

Family quarrels, busy friends, negative media focus, job difficulties, relationship pain, financial stress—all of this can leave you feeling depressed, anxious, and alone. 

Let’s look at some of the most common holiday stressors: 

Family Tensions

We put our responsibilities to family—children, parents, siblings—over all other relationships we maintain. To not do so would run against the fabric of our culture and would be irresponsible. 

During the holidays, family commitments increase. We envision how it SHOULD be. Where do those ideas come from? We see perfect happy families in: 

Reality seems to never quite measure up and the difference causes disappointment, hurt, confusion, and frustration.
Don’t expect everyone to get along. Just because you’re related doesn’t mean you have to like everyone. If you’d prefer to spend time alone, do it! Or choose friends over family when possible. 

Don’t regress to your childhood self. Watch for triggers. Take a time out, go for a wall,k or just breathe. 

Remember to get regular exercise and don’t pick up mindless eating habits. Exercise and healthy eating can affect emotional well-being by relieving stress and raising spirits. 

If you’ve experienced the death of someone close to you, the holidays are when memories can come flooding back. Make the holidays meaningful by acknowledging what your loved one meant to you. Don’t try to suppress your feelings. The love you felt for the person is in those feelings. 

Loneliness

Conversely, having no family during the holidays can cause great stress and feelings of isolation and loneliness.
In this case, don’t focus on what you think others are doing—go out and do something yourself. 

  1. Escape the holiday environment (Walk in the woods, go to a place where the holidays are less prominent. 
  1. Volunteer: Go someplace where you are really needed: nursing homes, churches, hospitals, etc. 
  1. Visit a place of worship or any place that brings you meaning and comfort. 
  1. Invite a friend you haven’t seen in a while to dinner. 
  1. Call an anonymous Hot-Line. Click here for a full listing of where to call. 

Relationship Challenges

Because the holidays emphasize togetherness, relationship challenges are particularly difficult this time of year. 

If you’re in a shaky relationship, make a pact that you will be gentle with another through the holidays. Give each other the gift of signing up for my couples workshop on Valentine’s Day weekend! (Email me for the details! Therapy@mkcocharo.com) 

If you’ve recently broken up, don’t dwell on how much more fun you’d be having if you were still together. Don’t troll Facebook and Instagram to compare your sad life with everyone else’s highlight reels! 

If you’re tempted to call the Ex, try to remember why you broke up. Own your loneliness. Restarting things during the holidays rarely works and will make you feel worse later on. 

Unrealistic Expectations

Aim for a comfortable holiday, not a wonderful one. Forget what you think it’s supposed to look like based on media expectations and commercialism. 

Start by entertaining the notion that most of life’s disappointments wouldn’t be nearly as devastating if we kept our expectations more in line with reality. 

Think back to a time when something you were reluctant to do turned out to be not so terrible after all—that delicious moment when you thought to yourself: “That wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be.” 

This revelation can bring a huge sigh of relief and remind us to hold expectations in check. Anytime we assume the worst, we set ourselves up for misery, even if the reality isn’t all that bad. 

Similarly, it can help to be realistic about your chances for a holiday that’s filled with nothing but serenity and happiness (hint: The odds are pretty low). Have you already forgotten about last year’s holiday dinner where everything wasn’t what you had hoped it would be? Have you vowed that this year things will be different? Of course, this wishful thinking assumes that you won’t be exhausted from cooking, cleaning, shopping, wrapping, and attending to all other holiday preparations, and that the people in your life will have new personalities! 

Your holiday may not be everything you want it to be. By choosing not to set your expectations unrealistically low or high, but instead allowing events to unfold however they do, you can help to eliminate the pain of disappointment from your holiday season. It will also help to cultivate a sense of humor and learn to laugh off all the less-than-perfect moments. 

My advice to you is to take a deep inventory of your relationship to the various aspects of the holiday season. Ask yourself, 

The Science of Happiness has shown that gratitude is your key to unlocking happiness and inner peace. 

Gratitude is being aware of and appreciating good things that happen and taking the time to express thanks. Praise and thanksgiving are an elevated form of prayer. It benefits your outlook, your attitude toward others, your mood, your health, your relationships, and your work. A gratitude-filled approach to life has the potential to enhance your general well-being both this holiday season and all year long. 

To make a daily gratitude list, take a piece of paper and divide it into four squares. In the top left corner, record 10 things that you’re grateful for. These can be large or small things. Example: I’m grateful that I had a hot shower, I’m grateful that my father is still alive, I’m grateful for my friends who love and support me in good times and bad, etc. 

In the top right corner, list three things that are challenging to you. Record situations, people, or any other obstacle in your way. Now write down what you’re learning from these challenges. 

In the bottom left corner of your page, list five people you’re thankful for, including family, friends, colleagues, or strangers who have made your life a little easier or happier. 

Finally, in the bottom right-hand corner of your page, record the best part of your day. Focus on this blessing before going to sleep. This is a surefire way to get a better night’s sleep and to wake up refreshed and eager to live another day. 

The beauty of keeping a gratitude list or journal is that it trains your mind to start looking for what’s positive throughout the day. 

Create New Memories

Make this the year to lay the foundation for many holidays to come. So think about new ways to celebrate, new places to visit, new foods to prepare. By creating a fresh set of traditions you will be giving yourself and your children something to look forward to. 

By replacing old memories with the new, you can make the holidays special again. 

Commit to Staying Conscious

We can accept or reject our causes of stress. Our choices are reflections of who we are as people. We can control our experiences of the holidays, or they can control us! 

Go out and create a miracle for yourselves this holiday season! See you in the New Year… 

 

Girlfriend read greeting card thank you note from his boyfriendGift Ideas for Your Wife or Girlfriend 

This is a holiday guide for LATE Men – adult men who sometimes function like Lost, Angry Teenagers – late to mature and late to show up as fully functioning adults. They become stuck in an adolescent level of development. The LATE Men don’t understand women and what they need, and when their women express feelings and needs, they often react with anger.  

Lost Men and the Holidays 

The holidays are tricky and stressful for LATE Men. These men typically grew up in dysfunctional homes and were culturally influenced by a toxic code of masculinity. This code taught them how to be controlling and angry, and how to stuff their more sensitive feelings (sadness, shame, and fear). The holidays present LATE Men with challenges they are unprepared for.  

The LATE Men were never taught how to properly love and care for the women in their lives. So, they don’t know what to do during the holidays. Or they’re so angry they sabotage this special time of family connection and celebration. For example: 

Five Gift Ideas for LATE Men  

Many women appreciate nice jewelry, perfume, and clothing – even electronic devices. These are perfectly nice, lovely gifts. They can also be impersonal, with little relational meaning or depth. LATE Men can do something different this year, and surprise her with a heartfelt gift of love and positive attention.  

These are five gifts for a LATE Man to surprise his wife or girlfriend – gifts that express heartfelt sentiments of appreciation, gratitude, and love. 

Give Her a Break

Let her know you will take care of things at home so she can go out with her friends. Cook and serve dinner for her (and don’t let her do the dishes). Make a commitment to do that once every week. Buy her a package of spa services for a few hours, a full day with friends, or an entire weekend. Organize and plan a romantic weekend trip for the two of you. These gifts are more special and loving when they are presented in a romantic greeting card (in your own handwriting!). 

The Gift of Emotional Connection

One of the biggest complaints made by women in couples therapy is the lack of emotional support and connection by their men. I suggest writing a letter to her that expresses your commitment to be attentive, responsive, and emotionally engaged on an ongoing basis. But no empty promises! Add a note in your personal calendar (one that shows up every week of the year) that reminds you of this commitment. Let her know that you intend to stay emotionally connected by truly listening to her with understanding and empathy.  

Practice being emotionally open and honest yourself. Most LATE Men have a mature, emotionally healthy part of them – a loving, responsible Adult self. Focus on putting your Adult self in charge and on maintaining a confident (not arrogant) loving connection with your wife or girlfriend.   

The Gift of Service

Women feel appreciated and loved when partners are helpful and actively contribute to the upkeep of home and hearth. A special holiday gift of service (which may arrive as a written promise in a card or letter) may include timely completion of your “Honey-do” list, organizing and cleaning the garage, painting the house, or planting flowers. Other gifts of service may be ongoing, with a written commitment to wash her car every week, vacuum the house weekly, or do the laundry on weekends.  

Romantic Gestures

Write her a romantic poem (AI can help but do your best to personalize it). Leave a love note for her once a week (surprise her by placing the notes in different locations – such as her car, on her pillow, in her closet). Buy her some flowers – or a single rose. Send her loving texts during the day. Shampoo her hair – or brush her hair. Give her a massage (without the expectation of sex). If you want other romantic ideas, try asking her!  

The Gift of Appreciation & Respect 

The sincere expression of gratitude, appreciation, and respect is one of the four cornerstones of a healthy, loving relationship (along with trust, emotional support, and positive attention). I suggest writing her a letter that details everything you are grateful for. Let her know that you recognize and appreciate all that she does, and all the love that she gives. What do you respect, admire, and honor her for? How is she your equal in life, and what has she taught you? Make a commitment to show her appreciation and respect every day. 

And one final gift a LATE Man can give his wife or girlfriend – and himself. The gift of therapy. LATE Men respond well to therapy with a focus on male psychology. Men can give themselves the gift of self-compassion and self-growth that comes with individual therapy. And they can give their relationship the gift of a secure, loving partnership with couple therapy.  

GoodTherapy | Home for the Holidays: Dealing with Difficult Family For many, the holiday season is a festive time of year filled with joy, cheer, and good company. However, not everyone can look forward to the holidays with the same level of enthusiasm. For some, going home for the holidays means navigating through difficult and tense family dynamics.  

If you find yourself dreading the idea of facing your difficult family members over the holidays, don’t worry – you’re not alone. In this article, we’ll be sharing some ways to help you deal with challenging family members this holiday season. 

Tips for Dealing with Difficult Family During the Holidays 

The holiday season is all about spending time with family. But what happens when you dread going home because of difficult relatives?  

First, know that it’s completely normal to feel this way. Many people struggle with the idea of having to spend time with family members they don’t get along with. It can lead to anxiety and stress, but there are ways to cope. 

Let’s look at some tips for handling difficult family during the holiday season and all year round. 

Create a Plan

One of the best ways to handle difficult family members during the holidays is to think ahead. Instead of leaving things open-ended, create a schedule that helps you avoid spending too much time with people who trigger conflict or stress.  

For example, instead of opting for a full-day family event, consider going over for a three-hour dinner. This can help limit your exposure to difficult family members, while still allowing you to enjoy holiday traditions and festivities.  

By having a plan and structure in place, you’re less likely to be caught off guard or find yourself stuck in awkward situations. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your own well-being. Having a plan can help ensure your holiday season is more enjoyable and less stressful. 

Stay Away from Touchy Subjects  

People have different opinions on topics like politics, religion, and everything in between. And that’s normal. In many families, not everyone believes or agrees on the same things, and that’s okay.  

However, controversial topics can often heat up and escalate into heated arguments that spoil the holiday spirit. It’s essential to leave those controversial conversations out of family gatherings to prevent unwanted conflicts.  

Instead, keep things light-hearted and stick to neutral topics that everyone can enjoy. Talk about fun things that happened during the year, catch up on each other’s lives, and share stories. 

It’s okay to redirect the topic of conversation politely if it is heading towards a touchy subject. It’s also okay to walk away from conflict if the conversation take a turn you’re not comfortable with.  

Do What Makes You Comfortable

The holidays aren’t about pleasing everyone else; they’re about spending time with the people you love and creating memories that you will cherish for years to come.  

It’s important to prioritize your mental and physical well-being during the holidays. Instead of forcing yourself to do things you’d rather not do just to appease your difficult family members, do what makes you comfortable.  

Maybe this means spending less time with certain family members or setting healthy boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. At the end of the day, it’s important to do what’s best for you and your mental health. 

 Know Your Limits 

Heading home for the holidays can be stressful and overwhelming, particularly if you’re not sure how to deal with difficult family members. While it’s good to push yourself out of your comfort zone, sometimes it’s better to know your limit and act accordingly.  

 If attending a particular gathering or family event causes you significant distress or anxiety, it’s okay to skip it altogether. Take a break from the family and engage in an activity that brings you joy.  

 Remember that the holiday season is about celebrating with those you love, but it’s also about self-care and healing. By following these tips, you can help make the most out of your holiday season while still taking care of yourself.  

GoodTherapy | Unwrapping Holiday Anxiety: A Therapist's Perspective on Navigating Festive StressThe holiday season, often synonymous with joy and celebration, can paradoxically bring about heightened anxiety. Let’s delve into some common holiday stressors and provide insights into managing and alleviating this seasonal tension so that we can enjoy the holiday season for what it is meant to be: a time to spread cheer, joy, and love.

Things we do that may unintentionally increase our holiday anxiety:

Neglecting a budget: Overspending is an easy slippery slope to find yourself on. Between Black Friday Deals, Cyber Monday, and every other advertisement and sale thrown your way, it can be easy to get sucked in by these alluring offers. Online shopping makes this even easier with constant “friendly” reminders about the sale items that have limited quantities left that are sitting in your cart, just waiting for you to click “confirm purchase.” This slippery slope eventually leads to buyer’s remorse, financial stress, and anxiety when the bills arrive.

Overcommitting

You love your family. You want to be a good parent, spouse, and child and show up for everyone. Unfortunately, scheduling too many activities while trying to accommodate everyone’s plans can lead to burnout and stress, which can lead to resentment and the failure to be present in the moment.

Perfection Expectations

America excels at selling the idea of perfection. Before most of us know it, we find ourselves striving for that unattainable “perfect” holiday experience. Ultimately, these unrealistic expectations set us up for subsequent disappointment.

Why holiday-related anxiety is common:

Expectations vs. Reality:

As a society, we are constantly being sold on extravagance and perfection, which inevitably lead to stress and disappointment.

Social Comparisons:

With the increased presence of social media, it is easier than ever to compare your holiday experience to the curated and filtered snapshots of others’ holiday experiences. This can contribute to feelings of inadequacy and disappointment.

Increased Responsibilities:

Most of us are already juggling a million things daily. Now add in hosting, gift-giving, cooking, and socializing; it’s not surprising that one finds oneself overwhelmed with heightened stress levels.

Tips for preventing holiday anxiety:

Set a Realistic Budget:

While gifts can be a way to show our love, it is important to remember the adage, “It’s the thought that counts.” Establishing a budget for gifts, decorations, and activities helps avoid financial strain, which can lead to additional stress and resentment. Remember, gifts don’t always have to cost money; spending time with someone or creating a homemade gift can be just as special, if not more meaningful. If you’re concerned about budgeting for gifts, don’t be afraid to have conversations with your loved ones; consider setting gift limits as a family or agreeing to spend quality time together doing something you love instead.

Prioritize Self-Care:

It is easy to get caught up in the idea that the holidays are a time of “self-care.” Yes, you often socialize with loved ones and indulge in sweets and delicious holiday meals. Still, you are also probably pushing your social battery more than usual. With the increase in one’s social calendar, it is essential to remember to schedule downtime for self-care activities, ensuring moments of rest and relaxation to recharge your battery.

Learn to Say No:

While it might be tempting to say yes to every holiday offer, whether it is from a sense of excitement or guilt, it is essential to remember you can say no. Practice setting boundaries by politely declining invitations or commitments that may overwhelm you. If you want to get together with the person, but the timing isn’t right, tell them you would love to schedule a time after the holidays once things have settled down.

Communicate Expectations:

It may feel slightly uncomfortable, but it is important to have open discussions with family and friends regarding holiday expectations to help ensure everyone’s perspectives are aligned. This helps clear up misunderstandings and prevents unspoken expectations that one is expected to live up to.

Ways to reduce holiday anxiety:

Reevaluate Expectations:

Take a breath and focus on the holidays’ essence. Adjust unrealistic expectations and focus on what truly matters rather than a cultivated idea of perfection.

Delegate Responsibilities:

Share tasks and responsibilities with friends and family members. Distributing the workload and speaking up when you need help can elevate some of the pressure. Remember, don’t assume people know when you are struggling; communication is key. Asking for help and voicing your concerns can prevent one from feeling overwhelmed and resentful.

Mindful Reflection:

Engage in mindful activities, reflecting on your feelings, acknowledging anxiety triggers, and utilizing tools to help manage stress. Journaling, meditating, and walking are great ways to take a moment for yourself, reflect, and alleviate anxiety.

Seek Support:

You are not alone. If things start to feel overwhelming, consider contacting a friend or therapist for support to provide a safe space to discuss and process your feelings.

How to make the holidays more peaceful and less stressful:

Embrace Simplicity:

Consider simplifying holiday traditions and focusing on meaningful experiences rather than an abundance of activities.

Prioritize Connection:

Prioritize quality time with loved ones over materialistic aspects. Foster genuine connections with those you care about. These are the moments and memories that truly matter.

Create Boundaries:

Establish and communicate clear boundaries with family and friends to minimize potential stressors.

Practice Gratitude:

Cultivate gratitude by reflecting on positive aspects of the holiday season, fostering a more positive mindset.

Incorporating these strategies can contribute to a more serene and enjoyable holiday experience. Remember, the holidays are an opportunity for connection, reflection, and joy. By navigating potential stressors with intentionality and self-awareness, you can create a season that aligns with your values and promotes overall well-being.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.