by Bren Michelle Chasse, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Healing from Trauma Does Not Hinge on a Survivor’s Ability to Forgive

Forgiveness is an evolutionary phenomenon that, historically, has been a necessary part to building and sustaining community (Tooby & Cosmides, 2005)). In early times, it allowed groups to minimize conflict and helped support, foster, and preserve cooperation so that groups could function effectively, thrive, and achieve the goals necessary for their survival. In short, group members needed each other, a fact which didn’t change when a wrong had been done. They had to learn to deal with wrongs and stay alive. Over time, the concept of forgiveness has transformed into a modern-day virtue. Many consider forgiveness to be the moral high ground. There are even mental health providers who believe forgiveness to be the holy grail of healing, identifying it as a necessary therapeutic objective or clinical goal (Luskin, 2003). I am not one of them. 

A Deeper Look at Forgiveness and Trauma

Research has shown that, in general, people practice forgiveness more readily within their tribe or primary support group, while more likely to withhold forgiveness from those outside their group (McAuliffe & Dunham, 2016). However, this research depends on an assumption of high-functioning group dynamics. Not every relationship we experience in our lives (or even within our own family systems) falls into this category. It is simply inappropriate to generalize and apply a forgiveness model evenly across the board to all relationships. Relationships, by definition, are nuanced and very complex—and so is the experience of trauma.  

Additionally, not all transgressions are created equal. For example, I may be able to forgive a close friend who lied to me but find myself unwilling or unable to forgive the same friend if they were to assault me. A one-size-fits-all approach to healing simply doesn’t work! More specifically, the forgiveness model, when applied equally across domains, is fundamentally flawed. It fails to account for context, attachment style, cultural implications, personal moral values, organic individual differences, past experiences (including prior trauma exposure), and the depth and breadth of the transgression.  

Force-Fed Forgiveness?

Unfortunately, I’ve found in my practice that many clients have a history of being force-fed (through various sources) the value and importance of always forgiving. Consider the Lord’s Prayer, which requires we stand humbly before God and ask, “Forgive our trespasses…” and challenges us to “…forgive those that trespass against us.” The pressure to forgive is often applied by those we hold in high regard. When family members, advisors, mentors, close friends, or spiritual leaders insist on this, many clients feeling gaslit, shamed, and forced to betray themselves by placing the needs of their perpetrator above their own. 

Healing from trauma requires a focus on the self — not on the needs of another. When we claim that forgiveness is a necessary component of healing, we tell survivors that they cannot be whole again unless they extend forgiveness even to those who have committed the most physically and psychologically violent acts imaginable. 

Making Change Happen

As a society and as therapists, we must begin to change the language and conversation around forgiveness. If we don’t, we maintain the status quo and risk becoming part of the problem. The language we use, especially when we are in a position of power, really matters. 

We have to change the way we think about this topic as well. An unwillingness to forgive does not directly translate to anger, aggression, seeking revenge, or a refusal to move on, nor does it necessarily equate to a dysfunctional response to trauma. In many cases, survivors simply don’t relate to the concept of forgiveness. The healing journey focuses on creating and enforcing healthy boundaries, refusing to hold toxic secrets, learning to prioritize their own physical and emotional needs, and healing the younger parts of themselves that still feel stuck in the trauma of their past. If forgiveness isn’t part of a survivor’s healing journey, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong. 

Be True to Yourself as You Heal

Let me be clear — for those that find forgiveness to be a healing part of your journey, I encourage you to embrace it. If you don’t relate to that, or if you feel forgiveness is a barrier to your healing, I encourage you to honor that. What I am arguing is that not everyone who experiences trauma will benefit from sharing physical, emotional, or psychological space with the person who has harmed them. Forgiveness is not necessarily a required stop along the path toward healing. Simply put, how you heal is up to you!

References

Luskin, F. (2003).  Forgive for good: A proven prescription for health and happiness. Harper One.

McAuliffe, K. & Dunham, Y. (2016). Group bias in cooperative norm enforcement. Philosophical Transactions of The Royal Society B Biological Sciences, 371(1686). doi https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9221.2008.00688.x

Tooby, J. & Cosmides, L. (2005). Conceptual foundations of evolutionary psychology, in Handbook of Evolutionary Psychology, ed. Buss, D. M. Wiley, 5-67.

Finding the Differences Between Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) each play an important role in treating mental health issues. These two types of therapy fall under the umbrella of psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy. Throughout the therapeutic process, an individual facing challenges talks with a professional in a safe, confidential, growth-stimulating environment where they learn new skills on how to manage those challenges.

CBT and DBT are among the most common methods of psychotherapy used to treat mental health issues. While they share many similarities, they also have important differences.

What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, also known as CBT, primarily focuses on the relationship between thoughts and feelings. This line of thinking focuses on how thoughts impact feelings and how certain patterns of behavior can lead to mental health challenges. CBT also focuses on replacing unhelpful thoughts and behaviors with new actions and ways of thinking. Therapists often use CBT to treat mental health issues like depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and more.

Therapists use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and work with clients to identify issues and challenges, uncover the causes, and establish new coping mechanisms, tools, and strategies to help get past or overcome them.

What is Dialectical Behavior Therapy?

Dialectical Behavior Therapy, also known as DBT, is a modified alternative to CBT. It was initially created to treat BPD (borderline personality disorder). Therapists often use DBT with clients who are experiencing suicidal thoughts or actions, but they have discovered new ways to treat other mental health issues through Dialectical Behavior Therapy.

DBT stresses the practice of mindfulness, increasing distress tolerance, strengthening emotional regulation skills, and growing relationships. Clients work with their therapist to uncover harmful thought patterns, accept them, and learn how to react to them healthily. Balance is critical in this form of therapy as clients work to accept their challenges and work toward change.

Differences Between CBT and DBT

Emphasis

The main difference between Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Dialectical Behavior Therapy is a matter of emphasis: CBT focuses on thought patterns and their redirection; DBT focuses on balance and the relationship between acceptance and change. Both Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Dialectical Behavior Therapy aim to ultimately help the client change their thought patterns.

Time

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is usually completed after a short interval. These sessions focus on specific problems. With a set goal in mind, clients have something they’re working toward, and CBT is finished once they get there. DBT usually involves sessions over a more extended period of time where the therapist and client can consider the larger picture.

Setting

Another difference between CBT and DBT can be context. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy nearly always takes place in a one-on-one setting. The client and the therapist work together, and then the client will often have “homework” to take home. On the other hand, Dialectical Behavior Therapy can be used in both one-on-one and group settings.

Choosing a Method

Some therapists call upon multiple methods of therapy, also called modalities or models of therapy, which is often referred to as an eclectic approach; other therapists will choose the model they believe best to help each individual person; still others specialize in just one or two models. Both CBT and DBT are useful for treating a wide range of mental health issues. To determine which approach will work best for you, consult with a therapist. 

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