Discovering a betrayal in your relationship can be devastating. Whether it’s an infidelity, a hidden truth, or another breach of trust, the emotional impact is profound. At this moment, you may feel overwhelmed by hurt and uncertainty. However, if both partners are committed to healing, trust can be rebuilt. Here’s a three-step approach to restoring connection and security in your relationship. 

Step 1: Prioritizing Rebuilding Over Resentment 

Before any real healing can begin, there must be a stronger desire to rebuild trust than to hold onto anger or resentment. This may seem obvious, but without consciously choosing this mindset, progress is impossible. Ask yourself: Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy? True reconciliation requires a willingness to focus on moving forward rather than staying stuck in the pain of the past. 

Step 2: Taking Ownership of Your Part 

Trust is a two-way street, and healing begins when at least one partner is willing to take full responsibility for their role in the relationship dynamic. Even if your partner refuses to acknowledge their mistakes, you can still make progress by examining your own contributions—without self-blame, but with honesty and self-awareness. A powerful principle in personal growth states: “Be the first to take full responsibility.” This doesn’t mean excusing the betrayal but rather creating space for genuine transformation. 

Step 3: Leading with Vulnerability 

The final key to restoring trust is the courage to let go of defenses and embrace vulnerability. When one partner approaches the situation with openness—without the need to justify, attack, or defend—it naturally softens the other person’s stance. Even if their initial reaction is frustration or continued hurt, consistently showing up with sincerity and care will ultimately shift the dynamic. Over time, they will recognize the depth of your commitment and respond in kind. 

The Ultimate Path to Trust Restoration 

At its core, rebuilding trust requires caring more about the relationship’s success than about proving a point. This doesn’t mean sacrificing your boundaries or needs—it means choosing connection over conflict. While this approach demands courage, the rewards are profound: when one partner leads with accountability and openness, the other often follows. 

Healing takes time, but every small step in this direction strengthens the foundation of your relationship. If you commit to this path, you may find that not only is trust restored, but the bond between you grows even deeper than before. 

As children get older, they begin to individuate, or develop their own unique sense of identity. As part of this normal developmental process, they begin to want more space and privacy from their parents and caregivers.

Most parents remember going through this stage themselves. But you might still feel a little uneasy, even frightened, about your teen’s increased need for privacy, especially when it comes to the internet. You love your child and want to keep them safe, and your awareness of internet predators, cyberbullying, and other online dangers can make you wonder how it’s possible to both give them privacy and ensure their safety.

There are several ways to allow your teen a measure of privacy online but still keep them safe. We offer some guidance below.

Threats from the Internet

If you spend any amount of time online, you’ve probably encountered plenty of articles or social media posts about the various internet dangers that can pop up. Plenty of these threats are real, but remember to keep a realistic frame of mind. For example, some people have experienced brainwashing or fallen in with cults and religious groups online, but this isn’t a common situation. It’s far more likely your child could face harassment, be pressured for sexts, or get asked for passwords.

It’s a good idea to take steps to safeguard your child against all threats while remaining mindful of the likeliest dangers, including:

• Cyberbullying
• Catfishing, or being tricked by someone using a false identity
• Sexual exploitation
• Hacked or stolen information, like credit card numbers or passwords
• Compromised security settings or viruses
• Automatic charges in games and other apps
• Violent pornography

Other threats can become more relevant at certain times. For example, hate speech and racist ideology may increase in a divided political climate. Teenagers in the process of value formation and identity development may have higher susceptibility to harmful messages, sometimes without fully understanding the racism or hate behind them.

Some youth have increased vulnerability to certain threats. Children who spend a lot of time alone or don’t have many offline friends in their peer group may go online more than children with active offline social lives.

Online friends aren’t necessarily a bad thing. Some youth may not make friends easily or choose to avoid peers in their neighborhood or school for other reasons. However, these youth may be more vulnerable to catfishing or predators, so it’s important to familiarize them with online safety tips and potential red flags.

If your child plays video games online, their device may have a higher risk for compromised security. It’s important to familiarize yourself with the software or console they’re using and make sure recommended safety settings are in place.

How to Keep Your Kids Safe

Awareness is the first, and arguably the most important, step to becoming safer online. You can’t protect yourself from something if you don’t know what you’re up against. So start with some frank communication about the potential dangers of the internet.

Your teen may roll their eyes and say, “I know.” And chances are, they do know. Research has found evidence to suggest many teenagers are very aware of potential online threats and take steps to protect themselves.

If your teen responds in this way, play to their knowledge. Say something like, “I bet you do know! You spend more time online than I do. I’m still learning, and I want to keep all of us, and our devices, safe. What should I know about? How do you keep yourself safe online?”

Or turn it into a game. See who can come up with the longest list of threats and a precaution against each. It doesn’t matter how you increase your—and their—knowledge. What matters is that you’re both aware of what you’re facing and how to safeguard against it.

Make sure they know you’re aware cyberbullying happens and that, if they come to you after being victimized, you’ll do whatever you can to help them. Teens are more likely to open up if they trust you, so remind them they have your unconditional support.

Your teen may resist rules around technology use, especially for their smartphones, but some limits are important. These limits may vary based on your personal feelings about technology and your household setup. Here are some rules you might consider:

• Restricting bedroom phone use, especially at bedtime. Making bedrooms device-free can benefit your teen’s sleep as well as their safety.
• Encouraging them to avoid using public WiFi networks for banking or making purchases.
• Creating periodic check-ins with your child to examine their installed apps and software (without reading their messages, looking at their photos, or sifting through other private content).
• Teaching them to recognize suspicious emails or phishing scams.
• Limiting data and texting through your service provider. Research suggests this may prevent sexting more effectively than random phone checks.
• Setting guidelines around the type of content they can post publicly on social media or making sure they only “friend” people they actually know.
• Following and friending them on social media to quietly monitor potential threats or harassment.
• Having them leave their passwords in a sealed envelope so you can access their device if anything happens.

Your rules will likely also vary depending on the age of your teen. A 17-year-old using Instagram may be less concerning than a 12-year-old using the same app, so you may set more restrictive limits for the younger child.

Older teens tend to have more awareness of possible hazards of the internet and may be practiced at keeping information private and following safety precautions online. You may also feel more readily able to trust teens who demonstrate responsibility in other areas of their life.

Why Cyber-Snooping Often Backfires

Worries about the dangers of the internet may lead some parents to heavily monitor their teen’s online use. For example, a parent who fears their teen is sexting might believe it’s safest to secretly look through their phones or go through their online history. Some parents might read through their teen’s text exchanges without their knowledge or permission.

Children, especially teenagers, need space. When adults deny them developmentally appropriate privacy, teens may react by shutting their caregivers out completely. These behaviors, though often carried out with good intentions, can have negative consequences for the relationship a parent has with their teen. Children, especially teenagers, need space. When adults deny them developmentally appropriate privacy, teens may react by shutting their caregivers out completely. They may also find other ways to get their privacy.

Think of it this way: Many parents feel as if their teenagers know more about digital technology than they do. If you’re among this group, do you doubt your internet-savvy teen’s ability to get around your restrictions? Instead of getting in their digital space, create a home environment of trust and support by making your child aware of possible dangers, then trusting them to come to you when they need help.

Rebuilding Trust

You might struggle to allow your teen privacy online if they’ve previously enjoyed this privacy but did something to violate your trust. It’s not helpful to completely deny them privacy, but if they’ve behaved in unsafe ways online, you may need to temporarily increase your restrictions as a consequence.

You might, for example, allow them to only use their phone when you’re also present. You might also insist they do homework on a family computer instead of a laptop in their bedroom. But it’s also essential they have the opportunity to earn back trust, especially when they show remorse and a willingness to learn from their mistake. A pattern of improved behavior, including increased trustworthiness and responsibility around the house, at school, and with siblings, can demonstrate a teen is ready to earn back privacy.

If your teen has caught you snooping in their phone or computer, they may respond by withdrawing from you. You’ll need to earn back their trust if you want them to feel comfortable coming to you with concerns in the future.

It can help if you:

• Acknowledge the privacy violation.
• Explain why you felt you needed to look at their phone (without blaming your teen for your own behavior).
• Apologize.
• Make a commitment not to snoop unless you believe they’re in serious or imminent danger.

Rebuilding trust in a family can take time, and it isn’t always something you can do alone. A family therapist can help you work together to find solutions if you’re struggling with trust and boundaries.

We are becoming ever more dependent on technology, and children aren’t exempt. Letting children and teens roam the anonymous digital world can trigger just as much nervousness and fear as letting them walk out the door alone. Accept that your teens will test their limits, as this is part of growing up. But when you offer trust, treat them with respect, and engage in frequent, open communication, you can make sure they’re stepping across the lines of childhood in healthy ways, not dangerous ones.

References:

1. Anderson, M. (2019, March 22). How parents feel about – and manage – their teens’ online behavior and screen time. Pew Research Center. Retrieved from https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2019/03/22/how-parents-feel-about-and-manage-their-teens-online-behavior-and-screen-time
2. Cañares, M. (2018, September 4). Teenage clicks: Can teens protect their privacy on social media? World Wide Web Foundation. Retrieved from https://webfoundation.org/2018/09/teenage-clicks-can-teens-protect-their-privacy-on-social-media
3. Moreno M. (2014, September 4). What do teens think about online privacy? On the Pulse. Retrieved from https://pulse.seattlechildrens.org/what-do-teens-think-about-online-privacy
4. Privacy tips for teens. (n.d.). National Cyber Security Alliance. Retrieved from https://staysafeonline.org/stay-safe-online/managing-your-privacy/privacy-tips-teens
5. What sort of online dangers are teens exposed to on the web? (2018, October 25). SecureTeen. Retrieved from https://www.secureteen.com/online-parental-controls/what-sort-of-online-dangers-are-teens-exposed-to-on-the-web
6. Williams, A. (2015, January 22). How to protect your teen’s privacy online. Family Online Safety Institute. Retrieved from https://www.fosi.org/good-digital-parenting/helping-parents-protect-teen-privacy-online-

Much has been written about unhealthy love and toxic relationships, but what about healthy love? When we think about healthy love in a relationship, what does that look like?

Maya Angelou said “The best love is the one that makes you a better person without changing you into someone other than yourself.” Along those lines, the definition of healthy love, as I have come to understand it in my years of practice, lies in a sense of responsibility to the self.

In other words, healthy love means we are responsible for our own happiness. I am not responsible for my partner’s happiness. I am responsible for ensuring that I am a whole person, that I have a healthy sense of self-identity, and that I can meet my own needs and self-esteem from within. For healthy love to exist between partners, they must first understand and accept that happiness in a relationship depends on whether the people in the relationship have developed (independently) into a whole, secure person.

The following are what I believe to be the seven characteristics of a strong, healthy relationship:

1. A solid sense of self-identity

People in a relationship that is healthy can think independently and are willing and able to articulate their wants and needs to partners. They are able to speak and act from an honest place within themselves. Partners can love themselves unconditionally, accepting the parts of themselves that are easy to love as well as the parts that are not as easy to love. Healthy partners love their own lives while still being open to growth, progress, and evolution with a partner. [fat_widget_right]

2. The ability to compromise

Partners who are open to the idea of seeking mutually gratifying solutions to conflicts are more likely to have a strong, healthy relationship. Healthy partners can acknowledge the validity of their partner’s wants and needs and, even when they do not agree, still respect areas of difference. A cornerstone of compromise is finding solutions that are agreeable to both partners, and healthy relationships are marked by an ability to consider situations from a partner’s side of things.

3. Appropriate trust

This characteristic is one that can be determined at the beginning of a relationship. When both partners are available to begin a relationship, not still attached or otherwise holding on to a previous relationship, trust can be fostered. When trust has the opportunity to grow, partners feel more safe and may be better able to share their innermost thoughts and feelings with each other. They believe in their partner’s ability to listen and help, and there may be a mutual sense of faith that neither will be blindsided by surprises they don’t expect. Trust cultivates a stable relationship with predictability, reliability, and accountability.

4. Communication 

Let’s be frank here. Even in a strong and healthy relationship, you are not going to agree on everything—and you don’t have to! Being able to express your own feelings or opinions, knowing it’s all right to disagree, and saying what you mean and meaning what you say are all aspects of effective communication. When we are able to communicate effectively with our partners, show compassion and concern for each other, and talk about problems and listen well, we effectively create a road map for a partner to be able to understand and meet our needs. Without this map, we might endlessly wander trying to find out partners, coming close to meeting their needs but never quite succeeding.

5. Loving detachment

Seeing a partner as a capable person is a critical component of healthy relationships. Couples can often confuse the concepts of whether their partner is good at something and whether they are simply capable of doing something. Believing these are the same thing can lead to conflict in a relationship. In reality, most people are capable of doing most things. However, sometimes partners may not be “good” at the things we want them to be good at. Loving detachment means we believe our partners have the ability to take care of themselves and their lives on their own. Allowing and encouraging our partners to have separate interests and maintain meaningful relationships with other people, and respecting their ability to do so, is an important part of loving detachment.

6. An understanding of the reality of love

Love is created, and it requires effort on our parts. The idea of “love at first sight” is romantic, and we may want to believe in it, but in reality, that’s just not the case. Love is not something that is acquired one day by chance. It must be developed with trust, shaped with effort, and fostered with understanding and patience over time. This may not seem idealistic, but it is simply the truth of long-lasting love.

7. An awareness of our attraction to familiarity

Have you ever heard the saying “We marry our parents”? We may not realize it, but many people partner (and eventually marry) someone who reminds them, in some way, of one or both of their parents. This is not necessarily a conscious decision. It’s simply that we tend to be attracted to and connect with people who are comfortable and familiar. So, whether our experiences with our parents are positive or negative or a little of both, we often are drawn to similarities in the partners we choose. If we are aware of this, and in tune with how our relationship with our parents has affected us, we are often better able to understand the type of person we might be attracted to. We might be fulfilling a desire to live out what we have learned as children or to fix what was broken in our childhood through our current relationships. Though we might logically know dysfunctional relationships with our parents cannot be fixed by our current relationships, we may still struggle with this emotionally. Identifying and working on ourselves to resolve any issues remaining from childhood will not guarantee a healthy relationship, but doing so may put us on the road to a better one.

Having a healthy relationship with our partners comes down to one thing—having a healthy relationship with ourselves. When discussing healthy love with the people I work with, I make it clear that I believe a healthy relationship with the self is necessary to have a healthy relationship with others. This healthy relationship with the self includes developing and maintaining a solid self-identity, recognizing our needs and being able to meet them on our own, and allowing our partners to live their own lives while sharing their lives with us. If you would like to explore any of these areas, on your own or with a partner, a compassionate counselor can offer guidance and support.

What does the word “integrity” mean to you?

To me, it means to be a good person and citizen, one who doesn’t lie, cheat, or steal. Having integrity means having a system of morals and ethics that I believe in and do my best to adhere to in all my dealings.

This may not always come easily, for any of us. Even the most kind and loving among us can struggle to do the right thing at times. There sometimes seems to be a small tug of war happening in the event of a moral challenge or difficult situation, and the cartoon vision of an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other might come to mind.

I think it’s important to remember that no one is perfect, that our baser nature sometimes rears its ugly head. As humans we are fallible, we make mistakes, and—no matter the issue—we seem to be able to justify any action we take.

When we truly have integrity, though, good will win out the majority of the time. The truth will prevail. The “angel on our shoulder” is who we listen to most often, in a manner of speaking. [fat_widget_right]

Let’s consider now what integrity means in terms of a marriage or romantic partnership. In my opinion, it means all the above and more. It means putting a partner’s happiness right up there with our own. We make choices that are good for us, yes, but we also make choices that are good for the relationship, that will serve our lives and happiness as a couple. Doing so might sometimes involve hard and selfless choices, when those choices might lead to the betterment of the relationship.

What integrity with a partner means to me is the act of prioritizing a life together and working together to meet my needs, but also those of my partner, in a collaborative way. Some of these things might go unrecognized. I simply do them because I am acting with integrity, not out of the desire for praise or recognition. And that’s just what integrity is—doing the right thing, even though no one is watching.

1. Maintaining integrity when together

Integrity is crucial to relationship success and a key ingredient in the happiness of both partners.

Integrity brings with it authenticity, vulnerability and an honesty that is kind and never harsh. We don’t have to always agree, or even approve of a partner’s decisions, but when we have integrity, we treat them with compassion, openness, and kindness. This might mean talking over all important decisions together. Make sure the relationship remains a priority and show respect and appreciation always. When we get triggered (because we will. It happens), we take the time to sort it out, rather than blaming, keeping score, making things personal, or bringing up past events when there is no point in doing so. Integrity might mean remaining committed to dealing with the issue at hand. When we can diffuse some of the stress with humor or kindness, so much the better.

2. Maintaining integrity when apart

Maintaining integrity when separated from a partner by time or distance may simply mean remaining mindful of the attachment we have to them. We might speak often, whenever possible, or simply be there when they seek us out. We choose not to put ourselves into situations that could create conflict, and we avoid inconsistencies with our words and/or actions. In order to feel secure and connected to our partners when distance is an issue, transparency is crucial.

3. Maintaining integrity in public

Public integrity means never intentionally embarrassing, humiliating, or belittling a partner, and perhaps even avoiding having any kind of a negative discussion in front of other people. Whether we are among friends, family or strangers, it may help us to remember (or remind each other!): We are a team, a pair, and it doesn’t serve us to be divided by any kind of petty insults or bickering in public.

If partners have a disagreement that requires immediate discussion, an alternative to hashing it out in public might be to step aside and discuss the issue and come to a reasonable conclusion together, or at least resolve it to a point that can wait until private discussion.

4. Maintaining integrity in private

When we are alone together, we show integrity by listening to what our partners have to say. We take note of the hopes and dreams they express; talk about the “hard stuff” or any challenges that arise; and build and share a deep and emotional connection. We trust each other never to betray our confidences. We read between the lines when we need to, and ask further questions and expand on that communication. In short, we do our best to be patient and supportive and let our partner know how much we care about their needs and desires. We show and share our deepest selves without fear of rejection.

We may not talk so much about integrity these days, but integrity is crucial to relationship success and a key ingredient in the happiness of both partners. Doing the right thing for ourselves often means we are doing the right thing for our partners and families, as well. By acting with integrity, we model it for our children. By setting an example of doing the right thing, even when it’s an unpopular or difficult action, we allow our children to witness an important life lesson. Our consistent choice to act with integrity is likely to have a lasting impact, one that may even color their choices in the future.

I believe infidelity is one of the most difficult challenges a couple can experience and attempt to recover from. In my work with people who have experienced infidelity—who may still be reeling from its effects—I’ve noticed some similarities between their varied experiences. While some come to me days after discovery and others may wait decades, many of those seeking help share one common experience, regardless of the amount of time that has passed: the pressure to forgive.

While many partners who have been unfaithful and want to salvage the relationship seek to be forgiven, sometimes almost immediately, many partners who have been betrayed are not ready to forgive until they are sure their partner understands the pain the act has caused.

Understanding Infidelity’s Impact

Infidelity can come in many forms, and it is not always characterized by a sexual relationship. Often infidelity occurs in the form of a new relationship outside the primary relationship. In some instances infidelity may be undetectable to all involved. Typically, an affair suggests that an individual was unfaithful over a period of time with an affair partner was an active, knowing participant. To some, infidelity also includes secret thoughts about a person other than a partner or the development of an emotional connection outside the primary relationship. A partner can also be unfaithful by hiding income or debt.

In most cases, infidelity is evidenced by: [fat_widget_right]

1. Guilt over the crossing of relationship boundaries, even if one partner is not aware of what happened.
2. Acts or thoughts kept secret by one partner because they know the other partner would not approve
3. A feeling of betrayal when the acts or thoughts are discovered or revealed.

People who have been unfaithful may not be aware they have crossed the line into infidelity. They may also not have had the intention of harming their partner. In the aftermath of unfaithfulness, however, they often discover the pain experienced by the other person goes deeper than they could have imagined.

A betrayed partner may come to find their world view, sense of safety, and very identity has been shaken. Many people I treat experience both physical and emotional symptoms, such as intrusive thoughts that creep in over the course of their day, difficulty sleeping or eating, or depression symptoms, among others. These effects, and the pain experienced as a result, may heal in time. But time does not automatically heal the wounds of infidelity; therefore, there is not a specific timeline for forgiveness. Couples who want to recover from the trauma of infidelity generally find it necessary to invest significant time and effort into rebuilding the relationship.

What Forgiveness Can Signify—and What It Doesn’t

After infidelity comes to light, the person who was unfaithful may hope to be forgiven right away. While forgiveness may be a necessary part of infidelity recovery, it generally does not occur at the beginning of the recovery process. In my experience, forgiveness more often comes near the end of the process.  To the partner who was betrayed, forgiveness often means the end of the journey. Why? Because forgiveness can feel dangerous.

Forgiveness can feel dangerous because, to some, it may indicate certain beliefs they may not necessarily support. Let’s consider a few of those.

1. I can never feel hurt or upset again.

When an affair is discovered, couples who are trying to reconcile may fall into opposite roles. The partner who was betrayed is the “good” partner while the partner who was unfaithful is the “bad” one. They remain in these roles until the “good” partner sees the “bad” partner begin to understand the hurt they experienced as a result of the “bad” partner’s actions.

Hurt stemming from a breach of trust such as infidelity may cause emotions and symptoms that affect activities of daily life. In this case, the betrayed partner may feel it’s better to forgive for the good of the relationship, but that doing so will remove the pain from the experience. By forgiving, they might feel, they can never try to heal from the pain or learn what is needed to prevent it from happening again.

But forgiveness does not wipe away or invalidate the pain or trauma resulting from an act of infidelity, nor does it indicate the person who was betrayed no longer experiences those emotions.

2. I am excusing or accepting your behavior.

Many partners I’ve worked with struggle with the idea that forgiving infidelity does not mean the behavior is acceptable. Some equate it to raising children: if there are no consequences to deter behavior, then the behavior is excused. Partners who have been betrayed may feel by forgiving, they are offering the partner who was unfaithful a “get out of jail free” card.

After infidelity, most couples struggle to find a way to ease the pain, and forgiveness may seem like a less-painful way out. Unfortunately, when a partner who has been betrayed is rushed to forgive, increased pain and distance is often the result.

But both partners need to work to find a way to separate the pain of the breach from the freedom of forgiveness. The reality is, forgiveness is for the forgiver. It can help to think of forgiveness as taking the weight of your own hurt and pain and tossing it into the ocean. By forgiving, you are saying “I do not want to carry this burden of pain any longer.” A person can still experience hurt as a result of a behavior but choose to forgive—because they want to begin to heal.

3. Now I have to want to restore the relationship.

A partner who has been unfaithful may believe once they are forgiven, the relationship will return to the way it was or be automatically repaired. But this may not be the case. Even when a person is able to forgive, they may still not be ready to repair the relationship, at that time or at any time.

Restoration is not always the goal of infidelity recovery, and infidelity recovery does not have to involve both partners. Sometimes one or both partners may choose to heal alone. Forgiving a partner who was unfaithful may, to some, mean moving on from the relationship. Some partners who were unfaithful may similarly choose to move on from the relationship.

I teach the people I work with that there are levels to recovery.

• The first level, forgiveness, involves releasing the self from the pain of this action. People may struggle to heal when they are consumed by pain.
• The next level is reconciliation. This level is different for everyone. Many couples may find this to be the most comfortable goal of counseling, as they want to build something new together out of the rubble of their old relationship. Realizing the old relationship was broken, they choose to work to create a new one that incorporates their prior experience. This can be a cautious approach, as the partner who experienced betrayal may continue to scan the relationship for any signs of danger well into the healing process.
• The highest level of forgiveness is restoration. This is a level many couples aspire to, as it generally indicates the relationship is restored to its previous standing.

In most cases the first level is sufficient for individuals who choose to recover on their own. Reconciliation is necessary to rebuild trust, but it is important to remember forgiveness does not automatically mean reconciliation will follow.

4. Now I must be ready to trust completely.

I’ve heard partners who have been unfaithful say, “If you forgive me, then you have to trust me.” I work diligently to teach them forgiveness and trust are two separate events. Forgiveness can mean a partner wants to trust again at some point, but it may not yet be possible. Forgiveness helps the person forgiving find release from pain, while trust can allow the person who was forgiven to find release from guilt. The act of rebuilding trust also requires the participation of both partners.

After infidelity, most couples struggle to find a way to ease the pain, and forgiveness may seem like a less-painful way out. Unfortunately, when a partner who has been betrayed is rushed to forgive, increased pain and distance is often the result. While in some cases, forgiveness may not be possible, in other cases being unable to forgive may prolong pain.

Finding the place where forgiveness is beneficial can be a delicate process, and patience, with both the self and with one’s partner, is more likely to aid recovery than forcing the process. No recovery has a timeline or a shortcut. Recovering is hard work, whether partners choose to end a relationship or attempt to rebuild it. In either case, recovering from infidelity can present an opportunity for both partners to find strength and grow, and couples counseling can be a helpful step in this process.

Have you ever felt shame while talking to your therapist? Have they ever said or did something that triggered this feeling?

I’m hoping your therapist has never intentionally instigated shame, but it’s possible that, at some point, the way they ask a question, respond to you, or make a particular facial expression may initiate a shame response. Perhaps their eyes widened when you spoke about a fetish or sexual practice, related an argument you had with a friend, or described something you did on an interview that didn’t go well.

On one hand, maybe they were shocked. We therapists hear a lot, but even the most experienced therapist can be surprised at times. On the other hand, we may noticeably react for a different reason. Maybe we’re making an association with something in our own life. Or maybe we’re having gas. You, the person we are working with, has no idea which of these is the case. But that’s not the important part. The important part is that you picked up on something from us that caused you to feel shame. [fat_widget_right]

And that is something that should be discussed.

Building Trust to Examine Our Shame

Most of us go through life learning how best to avoid shame and have likely developed (consciously or unconsciously) any number of ways to do this. One of the benefits of therapy is that it allows us the opportunity to examine and challenge a well-honed (overdeveloped?) shame response.

But of course, we can only exercise this opportunity if we are comfortable enough—and trust our therapist enough—to let them know when shame arises. Because not only are we good at feeling shame, we have also, in most cases, become very good at hiding our shame. We might get angry instead. Or we might cry. Sometimes we hold in our emotions and experience them physically, in the form of stomach pain or headaches, for example. In some cases, our shame might even be converted into a panic attack.

Telling someone their reaction to something we shared caused us to feel shame is a hugely brave thing to do. What better place for that act of bravery than in the therapy room?

Finding Relief from the Weight of Shame

Talking about shame can often open a portal, as it can serve to expose so many of the reasons we aren’t living the life we say we want to be living. Why we’re not taking a risk on a career, for example, or why we’re not opening up to a partner—even though by not doing so we could end up losing them. I can’t tell you how often I begin working with men who tell me they’re finally trying out therapy because too many partners have said they can no longer continue a relationship with them until they are able to share more. They aren’t aware yet that it’s the shame stopping them.

Talking about shame can often open a portal, as it can serve to expose so many of the reasons we aren’t living the life we say we want to be living.

These aren’t men affected by ideas of toxic masculinity, either. These are men who know they are supposed to express themselves more, men who have received all the messages supporting increased empathy, compassion, communication, and so on–everything a so-called “Modern Man” should be—but they’ve never been taught how to be that man.

But many of these men, once they begin talking about this shame and related issues in a supportive environment, begin to realize how much of their energy has been going to defending against it. The relief they experience can be astounding!

Shame isn’t everything. There are many reasons people choose to seek out counseling. Shame is no small concern, though, because the energy we put into pushing shame away could be energy spent addressing and working to heal from our anxiety, our depression, our trauma.

If you trust your therapist, take the risk.

(If you don’t feel comfortable bringing up this issue with your therapist, please remember it’s always all right to seek a second opinion. If you’re concerned your therapist is intentionally shaming you, you might consider reviewing these warning signs of bad therapy.)