By Chareessa Chee, Licensed Professional Counselor

Why People Stay in Bad Relationships

Sometimes we stay in bad, even toxic relationships longer than we really want to. It’s not because we’re addicted to the chaos, nor because we want to be treated badly. Most likely, every once in a while, we see a tiny glimmer of hope that things are going to get better. We may miss warning signs in our relationship which are obvious to others, perhaps because we’re looking through a lens of compassion and hope at our partner and the relationship dynamics in the relationship. 

The Impact of Our Beliefs

We believe all kinds of things about ourselves and others that affect these choices. We may believe that the right help or support can help our partner reach their potential – and that we are supposed to supply that help and support. We may be afraid that we would hurt them if we left, that our partner might spiral without our influence. Our dreams can be closely tied to our commitment to this person, and a break up would mean those dreams must die. Maybe we believe our primary role is to heal and care for others, even when it means losing ourselves. Maybe we’re afraid of being selfish, finding the idea of leaving a relationship because of our own unmet needs and desires unthinkable. 

New Information and How We Deal with It

When we are in a toxic relationship, we experience what we call cognitive dissonance. When we learn something that contradicts our beliefs, values, and opinions, we have a few options: 

1. Ignore the new, contradictory information. (“I’m sure he didn’t mean to gaslight you.” “I don’t remember them doing what you said.”) 
2. Fight against the information. (“How dare you insinuate that he is cheating on me? I don’t care what you thought you saw.”) 
3. Justify the information (“She hits me, but it’s not really abuse, and besides, I deserve it.”) 
4. Modify our beliefs and values to accommodate this new information. (“I thought he was kind to animals, but now I’ve seen him beat his dog, so I must have been wrong.”) 

Cognitive dissonance can express itself as any of the first three options – in each case, we’re trying to make our brains hold contradictory ideas at the same time. The fourth option requires that we change our minds in light of something new, and this is often a scary prospect – especially in a toxic relationship – because it opens the door to definitive action, like ending the relationship. 

On the Outside Looking in: When Your Friend Is in a Bad Relationship

Most of us have wondered why a friend doesn’t just leave a relationship that’s bad for them. In many cases, it’s because this relationship is defining in their life; it’s the only thing that they know to be true. Often, this is accompanied by the belief that they will be the one who will change this person. 

It’s helpful to remember that bad relationships aren’t usually bad all the time. Everyone who’s been in a toxic relationship knows that it’s not always so black and white from the inside. There are moments of happiness, moments where you catch a glimpse of the change you hoped for, or moments you think are the turning point. Potential can be a blessing and a curse. We don’t really have control over other people; the person we really have control over is ourselves. Unfortunately, the potential you see, the hope you have for who someone else can be, only goes so far. The other person has to see and strive for that potential too. They have to be invested in the relationship as well. 

From the Inside: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

How to Talk to Yourself

As you think through your relationship, it’s helpful to ask yourself, “What might I tell a friend going through this same situation?” We tend to be both more direct and more compassionate about our friends’ situations than our own. It’s always a good rule of thumb to speak to yourself the way you would speak to a beloved friend. Looking at your own situation with your friend-goggles on can help you identify what is going on, what is wishful thinking, and what problems demand action. 

How to Tell if Your Partner Is Really Ready to Change

So how can you tell if someone is committed to growth? They take action. They do what they say they are going to do = their words match their actions. They also recognize and acknowledge their own problems. They are committed to taking action towards a solution. They are willing to have conversations about the problem and work together with you as a team to solve the problem and not against each other. They recognize that there is something to be fixed. If you’re in a mentally or emotionally toxic relationship, change will not happen until your partner recognizes what they are doing is wrong and stop. 

How to Evaluate Your Situation

I know it’s hard to decide what to do in these relationships when hope is clouding everything. I think the best course of action is to bring yourself back into alignment with your values or wishes and goals, then ask yourself, “Is this person going to get me where I want to go? Am I really able to be who I am and want to be with this person? Do we share the same values?” Once you can identify what’s important to you, you can hopefully make the right choice in a relationship.

Values clarification can help you chart a path forward in relationships and many other decision points in your life. To find a therapist in your area who can help, click here to search your area, then filter your results by Common Specialties>All other issues>Values Clarification.

In my life and in my practice, I have observed that many people are afraid of their emotions, especially feelings that make them uncomfortable or upset. Often, this fear can push people away from the benefits that emotions provide. They can be desperate not to feel what they are feeling.

Through hard work and study, I have learned how to effectively deal with my own emotions, especially anger. I understand emotions to be an opportunity for change, positive growth, and lasting well-being. In this regard, I have relied on the Emotional Guidance System (EGS). I have also introduced others to this method. I have personally witnessed how empowering EGS is in helping people achieve peace in their lives.

In my journey, I realized the feelings and sensations in my body are actually a guidance mechanism, sent forth from a deeper, wiser part of myself. This knowledge helped me to welcome all my emotions, recognizing they were there to help (not hurt) me. By actively listening to the messages (emotions) being sent to me by my body, I had the opportunity to tap into a powerful guiding force, one that is always there to direct me. As I put this into daily practice, I was able to remove internal blocks holding me back from actualizing my core self, what I also call the “aspired self.”

I believe everyone can benefit in a similar way. Our emotional system is protective and based on past experiences. Once we understand this fact, we can relate to the events in the present moment with less judgment and more constructive focus.

Your EGS is similar to a compass that helps you navigate and reach your desired destination.The EGS is a security system that is running in the background, always listening and communicating its message by sending physical signals. The sensations in your body let you know whether your thoughts are constructive and aligned with your purpose and aspired self. This information pushes you to respond to the world around you. It steers you to avoid reactions based on false narratives, negative habits, and unhelpful beliefs while directing you toward health and mindful living.

In other words, the purpose of the EGS is to reprogram the thoughts and limiting beliefs in your mind. It is designed to change your attitude and flip the coin. Rather than focusing on the past, it makes you focus on the present. Rather than focusing on fear and anger, it focuses you on your needs, wants, and aspired self.

It is essential to know that stressful bodily responses are an integral part of uncomfortable emotions. It is also important to understand that stress comes from your mind—when your thoughts are negative and not in alignment with your aspired self. Your body combats this stress by activating hormones (adrenaline, cortisol, and norepinephrine) that help you regain emotional balance and recalibrate your thoughts. Once you align your thoughts with your aspired self, your body moves from contraction to expansion. The emotional energy flows (rather than being stuck), and your stress diminishes. The opening of the body creates mental clarity that further supports the ability to access your inner wisdom.

In essence, the EGS is an alarm system, warning you that it is time to look closer at what you are thinking and doing. It alerts you when you are disconnected from your core self. The EGS reconnects you with your values and deep needs. It reminds you of your core self and recalibrates your path toward achieving positive goals. Understanding the benefit of the EGS, its purpose as well as its over-sensitivity, allows you to use its function in a constructive way rather than denying or ignoring it.

The EGS can bring with it a new awareness of your mind and body. Like physical exercise that requires repetition, commitment, and patience, you need to meet yourself where you are and gradually practice the EGS to get better results. When used constructively, your emotional system serves as a powerful tool to reprogram your mind away from false and limiting beliefs. Your EGS is similar to a compass that helps you navigate and reach your desired destination. It shows you what is important in your life and directs you toward your purpose.

A trained therapist can help you understand what your emotions are telling you. You can find a therapist here.

Researchers have long been interested in exploring why some people are more successful than others. IQ, education, and personality have all been considered as possible correlates of achievement. Two other factors, talent and effort, have also been widely studied as potential influencers of success.

In a series of studies, University of Pennsylvania psychology professor Angela Duckworth set out to determine specific predictors of achievement. She found a common characteristic that exists among high achievers, a term she refers to as grit. Based on her research, Duckworth concluded grit is an important driver of achievement, independent of and beyond what talent and intelligence contribute.

The concept of grit gained mainstream momentum after Duckworth’s 2013 Ted Talk and the release of her best-selling book, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance. Duckworth defines grit as passion and perseverance for achieving long-term, meaningful goals.

For some people, the idea that sustained effort matters more for achievement than innate talent goes against what they have always believed. Duckworth claims being naturally smart and talented are great attributes; however, to truly do well and thrive, you must have grit. Gritty people—as Duckworth calls them—are people who have an ability to persevere despite challenges. In her book, she contends, “Without grit, talent may be nothing more than unmet potential. It is only with effort that talent becomes a skill that leads to success” (p. 51).

You may be left wondering which traits make a person gritty and whether grit is something that can be taught. Researchers have found grit can be cultivated through deliberate practice and character-building exercises. The following six steps can help you cultivate your own grit:

1. Find Your Greater Purpose

First and foremost, find a purpose in life. Studies have shown people with a clear purpose are happier and more committed to achieving their goals.

Purpose is a key driver of motivation, providing you with the necessary energy to continue working toward your goals. Without it, maintaining momentum can become difficult, especially during periods of perceived failure. Having an understanding of your goals and the reason behind pursuing them can create a clear sense of purpose, which then gives you the necessary fuel to maintain grit.

Simon Sinek discusses this very concept in his popular book, Start With Why. Sinek describes our ‘why’ as the underlying purpose, cause, or belief that drives us. Our ‘why’ is what sets us apart from others and inspires us to take action. It not only gives us the confidence we need to meet our goals, but also injects passion into our pursuit.

Action Item: Purpose can seem like a hard-to-define goal. Start by identifying your values. Next, try to align your goals with your values. Create smaller goals that will keep you on your path toward achieving your larger purpose.

2. Be Passionate About Your Goals

Purpose can serve as an ideal catalyst in driving passion. Passion is about having the drive, ambition, and a genuine love for what you do and/or the people you serve. Successful people almost always have an underlying passion that propels them forward—a drive that keeps them laser-focused on their goals.

Passion can also be contagious. When you’re passionate, you can make those around you feel excited. If you are passionate about your goals, then others around you will likely share in your enthusiasm and be willing to help you to achieve your goals.

Action Item: Stop and ask yourself: What gives you passion? What makes you excited about the activities you are doing?

3. Practice, Practice, Practice

Once you have identified your purpose and passion, you will need to engage in deliberate and consistent practice. It typically takes effort to become good at something and even more effort to become truly competent. Gritty people often look for ways to engage in activities that will help them improve their craft.

Gritty people do not put their fate in other people’s hands. They put in the hard work and learn to get a little better each day. Having grit means following through on what you start. It’s about committing to a goal and working hard to complete it no matter what. Gritty people rarely become distracted by other goals. In fact, they often work longer and harder to achieve the goals they have set.

Building grit can take a lot of hard work. You may need to stick with tasks even when they are boring or during times when you feel you are not making any headway. Many people give up when they perceive impending rejection. After all, it is often easier to quit than to fail.

Gritty people do not put their fate in other people’s hands. They put in the hard work and learn to get a little better each day. This type of practice involves more than simply putting in the hours. It is a deliberate and arduous process that requires pushing yourself to perform outside of your current abilities.

Action Item: Set “stretch goals” in specific areas where you would like to make gains. Aggressive goal-setting is meant to stretch us in new ways, increasing our chances of being successful. Seek meaningful feedback from coaches or mentors on specific areas of improvement and then set goals that directly target those areas.

4. Have the Courage to Try

We live in an extremely competitive world that is riddled with opportunities for rejection. In fact, over 50% of new businesses will fail after only 5 years. Knowing these odds, it can be easy to let fear take hold and give up before you even start. During these times, courage might be the secret ingredient you need to continue pushing forward. Courage is an essential component of grit.

Gritty people have the ability to successfully manage fears of failure. In fact, they have learned to embrace setbacks and use them as motivation to keep moving forward. They do this by reframing “failures” as “opportunities for growth.” They understand there are valuable lessons in defeat and that the vulnerability of perseverance is part of the road toward achievement.

Action Items: Identify situations that trigger your fears. Reframe your beliefs surrounding those situations to feel more in control. Avoid comparing yourself to others.

5. Learn to Persevere

When pursuing long-term goals, it is inevitable that you will experience challenges, struggles, and setbacks. Life is full of roadblocks and hardships. When faced with potential failure, we are given a choice—do we throw in the proverbial towel and give up, or do we keep on going?

Gritty people typically choose the latter. They keep going no matter what. Instead of thinking the world owes them something or looking to the universe to fix things, gritty people know they are the only ones who can change their situations. They use strength and determination to keep going.

Action Item: Identify goals that are worthy of perseverance. Keep those goals visible at all times. Maintain an optimistic outlook and use emotion to drive behavior.

6. Build Resiliency

Research underscores the importance of bouncing back from adversity and persevering through challenges. Resilience is an inherent attribute of grit. It describes the ability to withstand stress and negative emotional experiences. Resilience is what allows you to get back up when you’ve been knocked down and move forward after experiencing failure or rejection. Resilience combines optimism with creativity and confidence.

Resilient people are determined to succeed even when the odds are against them. They are confident in their abilities and are willing to put forth the effort to overcome obstacles that are in the way of them achieving their goals. In a world of rejections, resiliency gives you the needed edge to resist the pressures associated with intense competition.

Action Item: Look for opportunities for self-discovery. Learn to keep things in perspective. Develop reasonable goals and take decisive action.

If you are struggling at any step of this process, a trained therapist can help you spot and overcome roadblocks. Like most valuable skills, grit takes practice. You will likely need both patience and endurance to build up your grit. Yet once you have achieved your goal, you will likely find that your journey has been worth the effort.

References:

1. Business Employment Dynamics. (2016, April 28). Bureau of Labor Statistics. Retrieved from https://www.bls.gov/bdm/entrepreneurship/bdm_chart3.htm
2. Duckworth, A. (2016).Grit: The power of passion and perseverance. New York, NY: Scribner
3. Robak, R. W., & Griffin, P. W. (2000). Purpose in life: What is its relationship to happiness, depression, and grieving? North American Journal of Psychology, 2(1), 113-119
4. Sinek, S. (2009). Start with why: How great leaders inspire everyone to take action. New York, NY: Penguin Group

I had a conversation with a friend the other day regarding authenticity—a value that I place close to my heart. It seems, in these times of “fake news” and the questioning of the integrity of many of the systems around us, the idea of living an authentic life is sometimes met with a shrug.

Our society is built around the façade of masking our true selves to please others, to build our “brands,” and to be the face of whatever role we are playing in that particular moment—parent, partner/spouse, worker, boss, coach, friend, neighbor, caregiver. No matter what is actually happening inside us or in the other pieces of our life, we are taught to compartmentalize each section in order to be successful.

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As a clinician, I am able to see the effects on those who have to put on these masks, to the detriment of their inner happiness. I see the toll it can take on those who feel pressured to act as if they are a certain way, feel a certain way, or believe a certain thing that isn’t a reflection of their true self.

It can be heartbreaking.

It hurts to see a spouse pretend she has been happy for years in a stagnant marriage because she couldn’t stand the idea of judgment from being vulnerable with peers or family members.

It can be devastating to watch someone realize their shallow friendships are the cause of a deep feeling of loneliness despite constantly being around people.

It is horrible to see someone’s creative energy drained by a workplace that expects a happy face and a butt in a chair regardless of their ideas and desire to better serve.

So how can we better connect with who we are—even when there is a role to play?

There is often a fear of being authentic, especially within relationships. From a young age, we are told to “just be ourselves” without any additional prompting of who we are or should be. So often, we try to figure out who we are based on who everyone around us is, and how they respond to us within a situation. We spend our adolescent years “trying on” different identities, and then just going with the pieces that are accepted by those around us.

So when we are “being ourselves,” we are actually often being the person that the world has molded us into, for better or for worse.

When you can put responsibilities and roles aside to spend time doing things that fill your cup, you have more energy to spend on those responsibilities and roles over the long term—and they are less likely to suck you dry.

As adults, we get sucked into our routines with career and family life, often to the detriment of our creative minds and physical bodies. We begin to identify with those roles, often forgetting about our true value systems and the ways our idealist younger selves wanted to impact the world.

When processing with people in therapy about self-care, it can be revealing to talk about that idealist younger self. What did they love to do? What kind of people did they enjoy being around? What did they want for their future self? How are they different from who they are now?

While we often think of self-care as sitting in front of Netflix or getting a manicure, the most impactful self-care is finding ways to get back to our true identity and being authentic about what that looks like.

In other words, our responsible adult selves are good at taking the fun out of things.

If we go back and revisit that younger self, we often can find pieces of our identity that we can bring back into the picture to give ourselves more joy.

For example:

• If you enjoyed creating or spent time just listening to music as a child, or wrote short stories for fun, those are things that could bring a note of authenticity back into your life. In taking time for yourself to create in this way, you can bring more enjoyment into your life.
• If you were an athlete, but now find yourself at a desk job, you may want to find ways to incorporate the sports that you loved. Even if you can no longer physically play those sports, coaching them—or finding another way to be involved—could help you to reconnect with who you are.

When you can put responsibilities and roles aside to spend time doing things that fill your cup, you have more energy to spend on those responsibilities and roles over the long term—and they are less likely to suck you dry.

Learning about who we truly are, what we enjoy, and what really brings us to life can make those self-care moments go so much further. Because if you’re going to take time away to focus on doing something for yourself, it should be something that truly brings you joy.

If you’ve lost touch with who you really are, meeting with a licensed therapist may help.

What drives your decision-making—your rules or your values? Imagine a good friend asks you for a loan and you know, despite your friend’s best intentions, you will likely never get your money back. Do you agree to loan the money because that’s what friends are supposed to do or because you value this friendship more than the money? Do you decline to loan the money because friends and money don’t mix or because you value maintaining boundaries in all your relationships?

The distinction between rule-based and value-based living can be nuanced, and often both approaches lead to the same outcome. But under the surface, they point to vastly different modes of operation and perception. Clinging to excessive rules about who you are and how you should behave can be unfulfilling and ultimately self-sabotaging. Exploring and identifying your values may provide a needed wake-up call and generate a more multifaceted way of thinking and behaving.

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What’s the difference between rules and values and how do you know which one is influencing your behavior? At the most general level, rules are imposed by external forces and values are the product of internal introspection. Rules by their very nature are designed to dictate specific behaviors, to provide structure and predictability, and utilize consequences or the fear of consequences to achieve adherence. Whatever the institution, the overarching goal of almost all rules is to provide order.

Values are the things, ideas, experiences, and people we find to have great importance and deep meaning in our lives. Values take time to flesh out, honesty to acknowledge, and commitment to put into practice. Thus, unlike rules, values are the refined essence of what intrinsically motivates us—spending time with family, cultivating spirituality, committing to a healthy lifestyle. Values-guided behavior is purposeful and mindful, without the expectation of receiving immediate gratification for the effort put forth.

Values give sacrifice meaning and purpose, and rules often lack this substantive quality.

While rule-dominated thinking can produce order from the chaos, it comes with a cost—the tendency to encourage a rigid self-concept. One quick way to check if thinking is predominantly rule-based is to notice how often you find yourself thinking you “should,” “shouldn’t,” “must,” or “can’t” do something. Also be mindful of global language like “always” and “never,” as in “I always finish something I start” or “I’d never be able to do something like that.” And then there are labels such as “I’m so type-A” or “I am a bad friend/parent/student.”

When we become fused with and buy into these rigid narratives, our responses are on autopilot with a predetermined course of action. The remedy for inflexible thinking is not to suppress it altogether or to replace negatively perceived thoughts with positive ones. Rather, it is to redirect your focus to what really matters in that moment and to become mindful of your available choices.

Here are some questions to help you tap into a more values-based mode of thinking:

• Instead of asking what should I do, what value(s) do I wish to embody in this situation?
• What is this action in the service of?
• If I knew I would receive unconditional acceptance from everyone I know, what would I be doing with my life?
• What would I like my obituary to say about me and my life?
• What might happen if I could let go of being right about who I am?

Realizing what’s in your heart and being able to separate that from the content of your mind is a powerful combination that can be transformative. However, becoming intimately aware of your values and being able to act on them does not mean life suddenly becomes less challenging. In fact, sometimes it becomes more of a challenge because consciously committing yourself to anything for the long haul is hard work. Values give sacrifice meaning and purpose, and rules often lack this substantive quality.

If you are struggling to find meaning or purpose in your life, please consider reaching out to a mental health professional. We all struggle with self-limiting beliefs about ourselves and our capabilities. These beliefs, or “rules,” we build our lives around can leave us feeling empty and unfulfilled if left unchecked. Values can be difficult to pinpoint on your own, especially if perceptions have been clouded by too many rules. At the heart of any quality therapeutic experience is assisting you with clarifying what matters most to you and helping you move toward whatever that may be.

What are your core values? Can you state them without thought?

A better place to begin might be, What are core values?

A core value can be considered a life direction, an internal compass that serves to guides us throughout our lifetime. Our values mold who we are and help point us in the direction we want to take in life. According to Russ Harris, therapist and author of The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living, values are what we want our lives to be about, deep in our hearts. Values—which vary from person to person and may change over time—include ideals like trust, love, success, wealth, freedom, health, and adventure.

Some of us may have identified our core values but experience challenges or barriers of some sort in moving forward with them. For many, chronic illness may be one of these barriers. Many of the people I work with in my practice who have a chronic illness experience an internal battle between their core values and what their bodies will allow as they attempt to work to establish these values in their lives. [fat_widget_right]

Allison,* for example, is in her early twenties. She recently married, and she and her husband had planned on having children soon after their wedding, but instead Allison received a cancer diagnosis. Without hesitation, she went through the necessary therapies to treat the cancer, but unfortunately these treatments left her unable to conceive. “I want to have children, but I can’t because of my illness,” she sobbed in one session.

Allison values family, but her plan to have children was waylaid by cancer treatment. “I’m so disappointed and sad,” she disclosed, tears streaming down her face. “This isn’t where I thought I would be at this point in my life.”

Allison and I began to address this by first paring down her value list to her top three—love, family, and health— in order to help her come up with some committed action steps to help move her forward. While she cannot become pregnant herself, she can adopt children to start her family. To this end, she and her husband have begun the adoption process by going to informational meetings, saving money, and interviewing different adoption agencies.

Sometimes Allison has to sit with the feelings of sadness and grief, accepting the temporary pain with the knowledge that the feelings will pass. But she also knows that if she continues to move toward her values through committed action, she will indeed find a life filled with love, family, and health.

Determining Our Core Values

How do we determine these values for ourselves? And once we have done so, how do we take action in our lives to implement them? It’s not all that easy to do, but it can be life-changing! There are lists of core values available online, but you can also make a list for yourself.

When you have a list, further whittling it down to the top three values is next. This process, which can be an interesting and insightful one, is important, because it may be too overwhelming to find direction if we have too many core values. Like the old adage says, “The hunter who chases two rabbits catches neither.”

Once we have identified three top core values, we can move forward. Proactive behavior moves us in the direction of our values. If we find we value adventure, making plans to travel someplace new could be a “moving toward” behavior. If health is one of our core values, eating more nutritious food, exercising regularly, and practicing self-care are some committed action steps we might take.

Along the way, we might notice certain distracting behaviors that move us away from our values, rather than moving us forward with them.

Learning to be observant of our behaviors can help us catch ourselves when we’re moving away from our values and get us back on track.

Behaviors that sidetrack us might include:

• Substance use
• Binge-watching television
• Isolating from others
• Sleeping too much
• Overworking
• Excessive spending

When we get caught up in these behaviors, our values are waylaid, and ultimately, we are left feeling unsatisfied. Learning to be observant of our behaviors can help us catch ourselves when we’re moving away from our values and get us back on track. (Any of these behaviors might also be indicative of an underlying concern, though this is not always the case. It can be helpful to raise these concerns, and others that may impact daily life and function, with a mental health professional.)

Sometimes even ordinary illness or fatigue can get in the way or slow down the process of moving toward our core values, and coping with a chronic illness can make a person’s quest to attain their values particularly challenging. However, because our values are ever-present in our lives, we can always commit to some kind of action steps, even if they are small.

What kinds of distracting behaviors are keeping you from moving toward your values? Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is one approach that can help us identify our values and make a commitment to taking action steps. I believe that doing so can ultimately help bring meaning to life, even in the midst of chronic illness.

What’s stopping you from living a rich and meaningful life?

Editor’s note: Names in the preceding article were changed to protect confidentiality. 

Reference:

Harris, R. (2008). The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living. Boulder, CO: Trumpeter.

Let’s begin by saying the only reason this article is relevant is because people today face many problematic social discourses around romance, relationships, and the quest to find “the one.” We have been conditioned to accept a single story of what a fulfilling relationship is. The single story I speak of encompasses the familiar idea of Mx. Right, the one person who meets all our needs, a perfect “soulmate” who exists somewhere out there. By buying into this, we unwittingly limit our experience and rob ourselves of endless opportunities and possibilities.

Unrealistic pressures from society and culture don’t help, but it’s more complicated than that. From reviewing my own past as a single man, helping people in my practice who present with severe distress because of their single status, and talking to single friends, it seems evident to me that many of the strategies we use in our quest to find fulfilling relationships aren’t productive. Our priorities are often not aligned in a productive way.

People’s motivations for finding someone to share their lives with are often misinformed as well. They may not understand clearly why they want to be in a relationship. People often lack insight about their own needs, hopes, and dreams, leading them into the trap that’s been established and reinforced by harmful social discourses.

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I have seen anxiety, fear, desperation, frustration, and disappointment all make an appearance in the quest for finding the right partner. What values have been abandoned in the process?

If a person is experiencing significant distress as a result of something, they usually cease doing whatever it is that’s causing the distress. That is often not the case when it comes to finding a romantic partner. Instead, many people repeat the same patterns of behavior that bring them pain and unsatisfactory outcomes. Albert Einstein once said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results.

People might not realize what they may be giving up when they invest so much of their time and energy in finding “the one.” How much time and money do you spend on online dating? How much money are you spending on that outfit you hope will score you a life partner? How much money are you spending on extravagant dinners to show potential mates how stable and secure you are? How much time are you spending in front of a mirror perfecting your appearance? When does it stop being worth it?

Have you thought about what it might be like if you belonged to a different culture, perhaps practiced a different religion, or if you had been raised by a different family with different customs? Sure, it is possible that finding “the one” would have still been important, but would it be prioritized over other aspects of your life? I can’t help you change your context, your environment, your upbringing, or your culture, but perhaps I can offer you some ideas to help you approach finding your “soulmate” from a different angle.

First, Get to Know Yourself

Ask yourself why you want to be in a relationship. Be honest with yourself here. What would be the benefits and the costs of being paired up with someone? Are you okay with the costs and if so, why? What’s important to you in life? Would trying to find a life partner or having a partner challenge that?

Understanding your core needs, values, and hopes is essential. If you don’t know yourself, you can’t really get to know anybody else.

Second, Stop Being So Picky!

I’m not saying anyone should have low standards, but what makes you think you deserve perfection? It is important to practice compassion when getting to know someone and to try to put yourself in their shoes. This may allow you to open up to infinite possibilities.

Nevertheless, I understand there are certain things you just can’t live with or without, so here’s one way to achieve more clarity: Make a list of physical and nonphysical traits (personality, values, goals, etc.) that you hope your special someone will have (or not have). Your list should not be longer than 10 items. Then, from your list, pick just two traits you are not willing to accept (or give up), and focus only on those two when meeting people and dating. Think of all the other traits on your list as bonuses.

Third, Learn from People Who Know You

Ask the people who know you best what they know about you. Ask them to describe you in a few words and take notes! Ask several people, preferably. If you notice certain patterns and descriptions being brought up by different people, those may be the ones you may want to use for this exercise.

I invite you to ask these people to share stories about you that confirm these descriptions (“How did you come to see me as a generous person?” “Can you tell me a story about this?”). Can you think of stories of your own? Do these descriptions fit with how you have been viewing yourself? Whatever your answer, ask yourself how, when, and where you came to learn this about you. Do this exercise a few times until you are comfortable with the information you gathered.

Lastly, Emphasize Complementarity Over Compatibility

One of the biggest mistakes I believe people make is looking for a “compatible” partner. First of all, if you aren’t clear on your own motivations, values, or hopes, you may not truly recognize what compatible is. The key here is to find someone you can create balance with. Think about it: Isn’t it more appealing to think about finding someone who adds to your experience than someone who has the same or similar experience?

Relationships are hard; why should finding a partner to have a fulfilling relationship with be any different?

You may want someone who can offer you something you don’t have, and vice versa. There may be some truth to the notion “opposites attract.” If you hate to cook, for example, wouldn’t it be great if you were in a relationship with someone who finds joy in cooking? Complementarity can be so much more fulfilling than compatibility, especially in the long run.

Now take some of the descriptions about you from step 3 above and identify the opposites of those. Could these be added to your list of requirements for a mate? What do you have that you can contribute to someone else’s life?

The suggestions I’ve presented here are by no means rules, and they may or may not be useful in your particular set of circumstances. They are simply ideas I have learned through my clinical practice, training, and personal experience. My hope is that they provide some new ways of looking at and working around some of the harmful social discourses we all live with.

Relationships are hard; why should finding a partner to have a fulfilling relationship with be any different? Explore. Ask yourself the hard questions. Ask others. Learn and most importantly live your truth. I’m not going to end this by wishing you luck, because it may very well take more than that. Get to work!

I love my job. Love it. There are, of course, days like this one, when the 100-degree weather makes me want to bypass my office and head straight for the beach. For the most part, though, a day spent doing therapy is a day that fills me with deep satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment.

I haven’t always loved my job. In fact, for some time in college, I honestly hated it. A favorite professor recommended me for a coveted position as a psychological research assistant on a study being done at the world-renowned National Children’s Hospital. This particular study focused on how the quality of life for chronically medically ill adolescents may be improved by a part-time job at a fast-food restaurant. The position was a huge deal for an undergrad, and I was thrilled just to land a gig in my field instead of toiling at a children’s boutique, where I had been (I didn’t much love working there, either.)

This was going to look fantastic on my résumé; it was the kind of thing that would provide relevant experience and help usher me into grad school. I should have been overjoyed, and started out that way. But that soon fizzled, and instead I found myself downright miserable. The “gig” was not at all what I thought or hoped it would be. I had little to no interaction with the research participants. Instead, I spent every day hunched at the computer, matching subjects to controls, inputting boring data, and counting the slow minutes until I could head home.

According to positive psychology, we are happiest when the work we do, whether at home or on the job, allows us to use our signature strengths. Martin Seligman, the psychologist at University of Pennsylvania who pioneered the positive psychology movement, defines signature strengths as “strengths of character that a person owns, celebrates, and frequently exercises.” These are the personal traits and skills that come naturally, and that give us a sense of fulfillment and purpose when we use them.

Seligman has identified 24 unique character strengths, including fairness, curiosity, creativity, and humor. My VIA Signature Strengths survey results—which identified my top five strengths—help explain why, between my two jobs in psychology, I was woefully unhappy as a research assistant but have been blissfully content as a clinician.

My top three signature strengths are curiosity, love of learning, and perspective. Seligman and Christopher Peterson define these traits this way:

• Curiosity: Taking an interest in ongoing experience for its own sake, exploring and discovering.
• Love of learning: Mastering new skills, topics and bodies of knowledge, whether on one’s own or formally.
• Perspective (wisdom): Being able to provide wise counsel to others, having ways of looking at the work that make sense to oneself and other people.

Doing therapy, I get to utilize all three of these strengths in my work. My sense of curiosity makes me truly interested in my clients and their personal stories. Because I love learning, I eat psych books like they are candy and very much enjoy attending conferences about new methods and ideas in my field, then immediately use what I learn in therapy sessions. Perspective (or wisdom) is a strength I try to employ daily by helping others look at themselves and their situations in healthy, encouraging ways.

A look at my relative weaknesses on the signature strengths survey also explains why my research assistant job didn’t work for me. The traits I seem to value least, and engage least frequently, are persistence, self-regulation, and prudence.

• Persistence: Finishing what one starts, persisting in a course of action in spite of obstacles.
• Self-regulation: Regulating what one feels and does, being disciplined, controlling one’s appetites and emotions.
• Prudence: Being careful about one’s choice, not taking undue risks, not saying or doing things that might later be regretted.

The research assistant job required hours of monotonous sifting through surveys and entering numbers into a statistical analysis program. This task required perseverance and discipline, two of my weaknesses. I was bored, edgy, and unfulfilled. I was impatient to learn the results of the findings, but it would be months until they were revealed. Day after day was the same—columns of numbers and the click-click-clack of computer keys. My curiosity was not satisfied, and my self-control was tested. I made regular trips to the vending machine, where in my careful scientific process I learned that I preferred Cheez-Its to Cheese Nips. I explored the wings of the hospital, discovering that the interns in the cardiology unit were better looking than those in rheumatology. I found myself daydreaming constantly.

Moreover, I became an unpopular, dissonant voice at the Adolescent Employment Readiness Center, as my unit was called. Since prudence was not one of my strengths, especially as a 20-year-old student, I made it all too clear that I did not believe that working at McDonald’s was the best use of time for a teen in remission who may not live to see his 20th birthday. As a passionate, wide-eyed kid myself, I thought our teenage subjects should be celebrating their periods of remission by sailing, surfing, seeing the world—anything but flipping burgers.

I am incredibly lucky. I was able to find a career that is in alignment with my signature strengths. Not all of us are as fortunate. Nonetheless, even in less-than-ideal situations, you can work toward finding opportunities to utilize your personal character strengths as often as possible. Research shows we are happiest when we are using our strengths regularly and in novel ways. By exploring the hospital and comparing the nuances of cheese-flavored snack foods, I engaged my curiosity and love of learning at my boring research job.

If your job or life circumstances don’t naturally engage your strengths, you can and should look for creative outlets for their expression. For example, if your strength happens to be my weakness of self-regulation, and you are in an unstructured environment, use your skills to bring order to the chaos. Help your coworkers organize their desk drawers or create a method for arranging their daily to-do list. If humor is one of your strengths, find ways to bring laughter to the board room or break room.

The most important point from the research on signature strengths is that we are happiest and most productive when we are living as an expression of our strengths rather than frantically trying to develop our weaknesses. I might look at my weaknesses and berate myself for being flighty, undisciplined, and impulsive. I could focus on these shortcomings and spend a bulk of time and energy making efforts to overcome them. To do so, according to positive psychology, is to expend precious energy swimming against the current of our most authentic selves.

It is worth investing a bit of effort to improve upon the weaknesses that handicap us and hold us back. Truth is, I do have a bit more stick-to-it-iveness and self-control now than I did in my college days. My mindfulness practice has helped me with that. Still, I am bored easily, relatively impatient, and I tend to speak my mind, so it doesn’t surprise me that persistence, self-discipline, and prudence remain my weaknesses.

Three times today I’ve abandoned writing this article to do something else. Because I’m curious and love to learn, I went to find the reference for another article, and found myself distracted by another couple of pages that popped up in my Google search. When I set out to write, I know that this will be the way things go, so I give myself the time for what will inevitably be my process. I allow and engage my strengths, and don’t beat myself up for my weaknesses. By permitting myself to work at a comfortable pace, I am able to eventually accomplish what I set out to do in a way that feels genuine to me.

Finally, I return to my signature strength of perspective/wisdom. I always enjoy sharing what I know with others, and helping them potentially gain insight, which happily propelled me to continue writing and to finish this article. I close by encouraging you to discover your own signature strengths and align your life with their expression. Become aware of your weaknesses, too, if only to learn forgiveness and a better understanding of where you may be challenged. By using your strengths creatively and consistently, you will create for yourself what positive psychologists call “the good life,” and be happier for doing so.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, a time to recognize a range of issues—depression, bipolar, and schizophrenia among them—and the effects they have not only on the people personally experiencing and struggling with them, but on society at large. But what does it mean to be aware of mental health, exactly, and how does that awareness manifest?

Events in the news regularly challenge our perceptions of mental health, or what we may perceive as a deficit thereof. From the marathon bombings in Boston to the Newtown tragedy to the discovery of three women held in captivity in Cleveland for nearly a decade, some of the most compelling stories in recent times have been widely associated with mental health concerns. In some cases these concerns relate to victims, in others to perpetrators of violent acts. In almost all cases, though, an initial wave of outrage gives way to apathy and disconnect as the story fades from public consciousness.

While dedicating a month to mental health awareness is nice, it’s clearly not enough. We wanted to know what our Topic Experts had to say about the matter, so we asked them the following questions: What does mental health awareness mean to you as a mental health practitioner? Is awareness, in your estimation, on the rise or decreasing in recent years? Why? What obstacles do therapists and nontherapists alike face in their efforts to increase awareness of mental health issues? What can be done to combat stigma?

Their responses follow:

• Sarah Swenson (autism spectrum): “I work as a psychotherapist with gifted children and adults. This is one of the most underserved populations in the entire area of mental health. Gifted children are routinely misdiagnosed with ADHD, OCD, impulse control disorder, and even disorders of the personality. Often, these children are medicated. This creates a chain of events with effects that extend well into the future. … It is not only to the general public that the topic of mental health awareness is significant. It is also of importance to our health care providers and the medical schools that train new practitioners. Only through the addition of coursework in the identification and clinical presentations of intellectual giftedness will the tide turn. If physicians know what they are looking at, their diagnoses and referrals will change, and children who need no medication in the first place will benefit because they will no longer be medicated into altered states that create negative environments for their giftedness to blossom and grow.”
• Tom Wooldridge (systems theory / therapy and family-of-origin issues): “What is mental health awareness? For me, it has two components. First, we pay attention to our own mental health. What is the legacy of mental illness in my own family-of-origin and how does it affect my day-to-day life? How am I dealing with the experiences—both positive and negative—that I had growing up? What is my attitude toward my own emotional difficulties? Am I able to relate to them nonjudgmentally and with compassion? Second, we recognize the impact of mental illness and emotional suffering on those around us—friends, family, and the larger community—and begin to struggle with the question of how this awareness can inform our day-to-day lives. What are our attitudes toward those we encounter who are struggling with severe mental illness? Over time, we hope to find ways to support them in their struggles and to recognize our ultimate interconnectedness.”
• Stephen L. Salter (values clarification / eating and food issues): “The efforts of the mental health awareness project, while coming from a caring place, can do more to obscure awareness than promote it. Sure, it might be useful to understand ‘bipolar’ and ‘depression,’ but the effort becomes counterproductive if it is not contextualized within the much larger question, ‘What does it mean to be human?’ Perhaps we’d be better served to offer a month contemplating that question. We assign some really strange names to people—like ‘schizophrenic.’ More often than not, it further exiles the ‘mentally ill’ into a class of otherness. To truly understand mental health, the first diagnosis must always be human.”
• Deb Hirschhorn (relationships and marriage): “The stigma must come out of ‘mental health’ in people’s minds. The recent mass murderers needed help long before they became adults—and the help came too little, too late if it came at all. Here is what should happen instead: School counselors should be vigilant and then call parents in to discuss their children when something seems not right about a child. However—and this is a big however—it should be handled in a way that does not make the parents feel ‘one-down,’ but rather with great humility and kindness on the counselor’s part. The message should be sympathetic to whatever the parents and child may be experiencing. After all, if the child is being bullied at school or excluded from cliques, the child may need help with social skills and the parents may themselves not be strong in this area. This is nothing to be ashamed of: We all have our strengths and our weaknesses, and that point should be made to them. I, for example, can’t sing on key to save my life, and these parents may be great musicians. Not everyone is great in the social area, parents included, and even ones who have those skills may not have the skill of passing it on to their children. School counselors should be referring such children as soon as the problem becomes evident, even as early as kindergarten, and the referral should be geared toward handling difficult social and academic situations, dealing with abuse at home, and self-esteem building. It should not automatically include a prescription for medication. Therapists of all stripes must recognize the inherent value in talk therapy so that we can promote that message to the public.”
• Deborah Klinger (eating and food issues): “I believe that mental health awareness is increasing. High school counselors whom I’ve come in contact with are knowledgeable and concerned about students’ mental health issues, and the universities in my area have excellent campus counseling services that liaise with psychotherapists in the community. None of this was the case when I was in high school or college. The National Association of Mental Illness (NAMI) holds local family-to-family support groups for family members of mentally ill persons. And I hear mention and discussion of depression, bipolar, eating disorders, etc., everywhere—in national news media, online, and in day-to-day conversation. Not only has awareness of mental health issues increased, but so has understanding and acceptance.”
• Lynn Somerstein (object relations): “Thanks for asking about mental health awareness. I am sad people remain largely uninformed about mental health issues and are often reluctant to seek help because of the stigma that still comes with the territory. Treatment should be made more available, too, to those who want help but can’t afford it. Many therapists make private, sliding-scale arrangements for those without health insurance, but what we really need is better government health care and education about the many different avenues available—from talk therapies to medication.”
• Olga Gonithellis (creative blocks): “Reflect, talk, act! This month is an excellent opportunity for every one of us to reflect upon the importance of mental health, to start talking, and to take action. One of the common misconceptions is that talking about it creates it. There is an irrational fear that by sharing knowledge and information about mental illness, one will reinforce its existence. However, opening up communication and sharing facts and experiences are helpful tools in dealing with all sorts of psychiatric conditions, from depression to panic and from body dysmorphia to schizophrenia. Using my area of interest as an example, there is growing scientific research regarding the prevalence of psychiatric issues in performers and creative individuals. By encouraging a genuine curiosity about this topic, we are able to dispel myths and to discover realities. Artists have been able to receive help and guidance on concerns such as performance anxiety, low self-esteem associated with stress in the entertainment industry, the connection between mood and creativity, and more. Similarly, there are many other topics related to what impacts mental health that need to be addressed in our homes, our schools, and our communities. However, without awareness and a nonjudgmental approach, we will not get very far. Let us use this month as a chance to reflect, talk, and act!”
• Andre S. Judice (posttraumatic stress / trauma and energy psychology): “Mental health awareness is the recognition that our psychological well-being is an important part of our own health, productivity, and happiness, as well as the well-being of our communities. In my opinion, mental health awareness is on the rise in our country. Certainly, recent events across our nation have called this issue to the forefront as we are forced to consider the motivations of people who set out to harm others. Unfortunately, it seems that to this day in our culture too few people understand the factors that contribute to or hamper good mental health. On the other hand, our efforts to increase people’s awareness of these factors, as well as the various ways that we can each be more psychologically well, seem to be taking hold. … I believe that one obstacle to increasing mental health awareness is in the various belief systems (be they entrenched family beliefs, religious beliefs, or other beliefs held by a given group) that lead people to adhere to ineffective and antiquated value systems in which others are told that they don’t need outside assistance but merely willpower to be better and help from within the group itself. In these situations, people needing more effective ways to improve their mental well-being miss important assistance and opportunities. Certainly, stigma associated with reaching out for help is another obstacle which seems best resolved with increasing numbers of people being open about their own utilization of mental help support systems.”
• Shannon McQuade (addictions and compulsions): “It would be helpful to simply acknowledge that we all have a nervous system that, like anything else in the body, can break down. We are all at risk for mental health issues. Like cancer, some are more vulnerable than others. Many people have been rushed to the emergency room believing they were having a heart attack, only to discover that they were actually having a panic attack. A mental assessment should be part of a regular doctor visit, with referrals made to specialists as needed. If everyone was being screened as though it were no big deal, we would see attitudes change. Additionally, an increasing number of mental health professionals are ‘coming out of the closet’ and risking exposure to put a face on mental health issues, letting people know that we (myself included) who struggle with these issues can lead full, happy, productive lives if we have the right resources. Dr. Marsha Linehan, developer of dialectical behavior therapy, announced in 2011 that she had struggled with borderline personality issues, a diagnosis that carries a very heavy stigma and is difficult to treat. Though she had been apprehensive in sharing this (with good reason) early in her career, she decided that sharing her experience and recovery would bring hope to others. I think this a great example of self-disclosure that is helpful to our clients and to the public in general.”
• Marian Stansbury (imago relationship therapy): “It appears the awareness of mental health has been increasing over the years, especially influenced by people like Oprah. Being aware of not only what we’re feeling in our bodies, but also in our emotions and in our thoughts, is critical for good mental health. An obstacle to this is when we judge ourselves as having something wrong with us and then have too much embarrassment or shame to ask for the support we need. Or, we worry about what others would think if they found out. Just as we go to medical doctors when we have pains in our bodies, it’s important to seek out mental health professionals when we’re having disturbing emotions and/or relationships. A quick quiz to assess our mental health: (1) Do we scan our bodies for tension and ask what might be causing us to tighten up? (2) Do we use the principles of rational thinking that will lead to more positive emotions? (3) Do we check our emotional levels each day? (4) Do we ask ourselves how we’re treating others? How we’re treating ourselves? These aspects all comprise good mental health. Meditation and exercise are two important ways to be more mentally aware and to assess these different aspects.”
• J. D. Murphy (drug and alcohol addiction): “Tragedies such as that seen in the recent Newtown school shooting that continue to make the headlines over recent months and years leads this therapist to conclude that the progress needed in the treatment of mental illness is far from where it needs to be! This despite the growing availability of effective treatment, mental health professionals, and treatment facilities. One would have to question if this escalation is due, at least in part, to the stigma that many place upon the thought of being considered to have a mental illness, or, for that matter, to even have a family member or close friend who is challenged by such. Undoubtedly, recent cutbacks in the funding of programs designed to provide treatment for those struggling with a mental or addictive disorder has and continues to have an adverse impact on these populations. Schools, communities, organizations, churches, and, yes, even governmental entities must begin to work together in more effective efforts to raise awareness, normalize, destigmatize, provide funding for and treat such individuals.”
• Angela Lee Skurtu (relational psychotherapy and sexuality / sex therapy): “Mental health awareness includes both awareness of the number of people affected by mental health issues and the need for affordable interventions. For example, major depression affects approximately 14.8 million American adults every year. The National Institute of Mental Heath (NIMH) reports that it is the leading cause of disability in the U.S. for adults and teens. However, many insurance plans will not provide a minimum number of therapy sessions for mental health. … Other obstacles include public perceptions of therapy and a tendency for bad therapy to have wide ripple effects. When clients experience bad therapy, they share that information with others. This further reinforces the stigma already attached to mental health. Compound this with images of therapy in the media, and we have further misunderstandings. … To combat stigma, we need to improve our field. We need to increase funding for research and consistently publish new research in magazines aimed toward the public. We need to put that research into practice in our daily treatment. When we get better at treating mental health issues, people will see the value of what we do and mental health diagnoses will be seen as what they are: health issues that benefit from treatment.”
• Kelley Garry Marschall (worry): “Part of therapy is meeting people ‘where they are at.’ And these days, people are incredibly busy. Folks worry they’re not doing enough at home, work, and in their communities. Mental health clinicians hanging on to the gold standard of workday office appointments as the only way to help people is no longer meeting people where they are. It just creates more stress. We can email, Skype, and talk on the phone with our physicians about our physical health; why not talk to our clinician about our mental health? If practitioners can be less ‘couch bound’ and more open, with a client’s permission, to using multiple modes of communication to help people, the more accessible, open, and everyday mental health becomes. Tossing the couch may help the stigma fade away in the bright sunshine of everyday accessibility.”
• Tonya Lapido (relational psychotherapy and multicultural concerns): “In 2004, none of my clients referred their friends or family to me. People said the same thing over and over: ‘You’re a great therapist but I’m not telling anyone that I’m in therapy.’ Previously, our society equated mental health with ‘being crazy.’ While some maintain that perspective, it is also countered with the understanding of mental health as part of health. The discussion of wellness and work/life balance brings mental health to the forefront as an aspect of life that needs attention. … I recently attended a large business luncheon. I was the only therapist, and as I described my services the conversation quickly turned to the stigma associated with therapy. Three people stood up and said that they had previously been in therapy and found it useful. They weren’t shunned but applauded. Everyone literally applauded them for being open about their experience with mental health. … Though some stigma remains around mental health and its treatment, our society is moving in the right direction. In 2013, I have seen a rise in word-of-mouth referrals in my practice. People are telling others not only about the benefits of therapy but also that they themselves are in therapy!”
• Irene Hansen Savarese (communication problems): “Awareness of self is essential for change. May is Mental Health Awareness Month. As a marriage counselor and a relationship specialist, awareness of self in my work with couples and families stands out. … When clients ask a therapist for help, they are very much aware that something in their relationship isn’t right. Often partners are focused on what the other is doing wrong or not doing right. They’ll tell me that they don’t feel understood and that they don’t feel respected by their partner. Most partners feel that they have tried everything to fix their partner in the hope of fixing their relationship. … In my initial sessions with partners, I talk about the importance of each partner developing an awareness of himself or herself rather than focusing on what the other should be doing differently. I also look at how they react to each other in conflict situations and whether they manage to keep connected and engaged. These are important first steps to ensure an attitude conducive to partners being able to reach out to each other and work as a team.”
• Sarah Noel (person-centered / Rogerian therapy): “As I see it, mental health awareness is about educating the public on mental health issues, treatment options, and success stories. The more information people have about mental health issues, the better able they will be to recognize signs and symptoms, in both themselves and others. Further, the more information people have about treatment options and success stories, the more hope they will have. Hope is a powerful thing and often leads people to therapy. … Like many issues, I think the stigma associated with mental health issues has declined as awareness has increased. I think one way to continue the decline of stigma is to look at ‘mental illness’ in context. For example, a child who is raised by neglectful, unloving parents may become fiercely independent, requiring little from anyone. This is incredibly adaptive behavior that will allow this child to survive; however, taken into adulthood this behavior can create myriad personal and professional relationship issues. Failure to succeed personally and/or professionally might lead to depression. Understanding ‘mental illness’ as something that was once adaptive but simply no longer works is empowering, not stigmatizing—if you were able to adapt in the past, you can do so again.”

What do you think about what our Topic Experts shared? What does mental health awareness mean to you? Let us know your thoughts in the comments section below.

remain relatively rare in the United States, but are a common cultural practice in many countries. As many as 55% of all marriages globally are arranged, most of them in South Asia, Africa, the Middle East, and Southeast Asia. Immigrants and children thereof are sometimes involved in marriages arranged by third parties in the United States. Although the practice remains controversial due to concerns such as freedom of choice and the oppression of women, abuse is not the norm in arranged marriages.

Many people willingly enter into arranged marriages, believing that their parents are well equipped to choose a lifelong partner for them. People in arranged marriages face many of the same issues as people who marry for love—communication, infidelity, the death of romance, fights about money, and different parenting philosophies—and sometimes seek counseling to resolve these issues. Therapists counseling clients involved in arranged marriages must be sensitive to cultural practices, and may need to take a closer look at some common issues in arranged marriages.

Cultural Awareness and Ethnocentrism
In a culture that focuses on marrying for love, it’s easy to look down on arranged marriages and to view them as products of force. But many people enter into arranged marriages of their own accord, and the low divorce rate among arranged marriages globally—between 4% and 6%—clashes greatly with the high divorce rate in the United States (around 50%). Therapists counseling couples involved in arranged marriages should suspend judgments and display respect for cultural practices, even if they disagree with them.

Premarital Counseling
Some people believe arranged marriage involves a couple meeting for the first time at their wedding, but many couples in arranged marriages know their spouses for years before getting married. However, they don’t typically live together and may not spend much time together prior to marriage. Some couples are introduced to each other by third parties but left to make the ultimate decision as to whether to pursue marriage. Premarital counseling can greatly benefit couples involved in arranged marriages and help them prepare for the stress of adapting to a shared life.

Values Within Marriage
Married couples come from all walks of life, and every couple has its unique set of values. Some couples may relish religious-based counseling, while others may struggle with establishing equality within marriage. Couples involved in arranged marriages may have a wide variety of values, and therapists should investigate the core beliefs of their clients early in the process. For some couples in arranged marriages, divorce may not be an option due to family values, beliefs about marriage, or a simple commitment to see the marriage through. Therapists should not make assumptions about marital values; for example, some couples within arranged marriages may highly value gender equality, while others might see separate roles for men and women as a fair approach that promotes marital harmony.

Abuse and Coercion
There are many happy arranged marriages, but abuse of women and coercion into marriage remain a sad legacy of some arranged marriage practices. In cultures where women are not treated as equals, women may be hesitant to report abuse, and may not even recognize abuse as a problem. Therapists should be prepared to intervene if they see signs of abuse and to educate both partners about steps they can take to end abusive behavior. Some abused partners may benefit from meeting with the therapist individually, as they may be hesitant to report abuse or other marital issues in the presence of a spouse. Consequently, therapists should consider meeting with each spouse individually from time to time.

Family Issues
In cultures that practice arranged marriages, families often play a central role in the relationship. Spouses may have conflicts with their in-laws or struggle to establish proper boundaries. Therapists should determine each spouse’s comfort level with family involvement before making recommendations. Some couples, for example, may welcome the input of parents or in-laws but need help determining how much input to accept or whether living with parents is an appropriate strategy. Others, however, may want to establish completely separate lives from their families and may need advice about how to establish boundaries and navigate conflicts.

References:

1. Delp, V. (2006, November 20). Lessons from an arranged marriage. Families.com. Retrieved from http://www.families.com/blog/lessons-from-an-arranged-marriage
2. Lee, J. H. (2013, January 20). Modern lessons from arranged marriages. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/20/fashion/weddings/parental-involvement-can-help-in-choosing-marriage-partners-experts-say.html?pagewanted=all
3. Pre-marital counseling. (n.d.). Between Us Relationship Helpline RSS. Retrieved from http://betweenus.bharatmatrimony.com/?p=263