Many people find themselves constantly pouring love into a relationship cup that never seems to feel full. Loving someone who is emotionally unavailable is painful and confusing, and the exhaustion that comes from trying to connect while being kept at arm’s length deserves acknowledgment.

When it comes to navigating your partner’s emotional unavailability, understand this: emotional unavailability isn’t about you. It’s a complex pattern rooted in psychology, past experiences, and deeply ingrained protective mechanisms. Let’s explore what’s really happening beneath the surface and, more importantly, how you can navigate this challenging dynamic with clarity and self-compassion.

What Does Emotional Unavailability Really Mean?

Emotional unavailability describes a pattern where someone consistently struggles to be present, vulnerable, or intimate in a relationship. They are emotionally distant, often reluctant to share feelings, resistant to deeper conversations, and unable to commit to the relationship’s growth.

This is different from the occasional bad day or needing space after a stressful week. We all have moments when we’re less available emotionally.

Why Are Some People Emotionally Unavailable?

Understanding the “why” doesn’t excuse hurtful behavior, but it can help you see the situation more clearly and make better decisions for yourself.

How Do I Know If My Partner Is Emotionally Unavailable?

If you’re wondering if your partner is emotionally unavailable, look for these consistent patterns:

Can Emotionally Unavailable People Change?

Here’s the truth that’s both hopeful and hard: people can change, but only if they want to and are willing to do the work. Change requires self-awareness, acknowledging the problem, and a commitment to personal growth, either through therapy or another healthy avenue.

The question isn’t just “can they change?” but “are they actively trying to change?” There’s a vast difference between:

How Can I Cope With an Emotionally Unavailable Partner?

If you’re dealing with an emotionally unavailable partner, here are strategies to protect your well-being:

What If I’m the Emotionally Unavailable One?

If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself in these signs, that’s ok. Awareness is the crucial first step, and emotional unavailability isn’t a character flaw: it’s a learned protective pattern that served you once but may now be limiting your capacity for deep connection.

Take the First Step in Coping & Growing

You deserve a relationship where you feel seen, valued, and emotionally met. Whether that means your current partner commits to growth and change, or you decide to seek that connection elsewhere, trust that your need for emotional intimacy is valid and worthy of fulfillment.

If you’re struggling with this dynamic, reaching out to a therapist who specializes in relationship issues can provide the support and clarity you need to move forward with confidence and start building your emotional intelligence.

Not sure where to start? Take our quiz to find out what you’re looking for and how trained professionals at GoodTherapy can help.

In my years as a therapist, I’ve worked with many people who have varying anger issues. I’ve seen the devastating results that unchecked anger can have on people’s lives. Anger that turns into a tornado of rage, seemingly in seconds, can manifest as physical and emotional abuse, road rage, murder, or suicide.

Anger can be healthy if it is processed in the moment with productive language meant to resolve conflict rather than to inflame it. When anger only addresses the current circumstances and can be released fairly quickly after being expressed, it can provide the energy to move forward from emotional injury.

The Continuum of Anger

The continuum of anger moves from slight irritation to frustration, mild anger to anger, and extreme anger to rage. Some people can recognize, when in the earlier stages of this continuum, that they are becoming increasingly agitated. Once they notice this, they may be able to slow their anger down enough to address the fueling factors in a different way. [fat_widget_right]

But recognizing unhealthy anger before it leads to a destructive explosion can be a complex task, for many reasons. Anger tends to look like raw emotion on the surface. But closer examination reveals it to be a response, or set of responses, to a cluster of other emotions. These other emotions might include sadness, fear, or despair. For many, these emotions result from a collection of hurtful situations in their past—betrayals, abuse, rejections, and so on—that may have been buried and unresolved.

It is from within these tangled layers of unresolved emotions that rage is born. Rage is unleashed anger with no filter or control. It can often rob a person’s mind of logic and reason in the moment. As a result, it can temporarily disable the concepts such as ethics and social boundaries that might otherwise exist for that person.

Anger tends to look like raw emotion on the surface. But closer examination reveals it to be a response, or set of responses, to a cluster of other emotions. These other emotions might include sadness, fear, or despair.

Unmanaged, chaotic rage often circles around a painful life experience—an event from the past or events, large or small, sequenced throughout a lifetime. This pain continues to manifest more of the same destruction for self and others through its mere existence. Over time, repeated rages and traumas all bleed in together to create an emotional time bomb. This is often more than anyone can bear.

If you struggle with anger, these therapeutic steps can help you reclaim and manage anger in healthy way.

1. Unlock your feelings.

Beginning to unlock the feelings inside rage is one of the most effective ways of “de-clustering” it. This is also probably the scariest and most difficult step, at least initially. These feelings have often been under lock and key for so long that they seem invisible, even suppressed. But they never quite go away.

By pulling feelings that have been caged in fear out of the darkness and giving them a voice that isn’t angry, you are honoring them. This is a very sensitive process. It is usually best accomplished with help from a therapist who can gently honor those feelings with you.

2. Express feelings in words rather than in action.

As emotions begin to emerge, they become more distinct from one another. For example, you may be better able to distinguish disappointment from outrage. It’s important to learn how to express those feelings more precisely without violence. Words spoken without a “feeling vocabulary,” or words that accurately name the feelings, can be received as an assault. Verbal assault can be as deeply wounding as physical abuse and may become self-wounding as well.

3. Use meditative tools.

The healing process takes time. In order to de-escalate anger in the moment, some meditative or mindfulness tools can be useful. I often offer a few simple exercises that, with practice, can slow matters down to a more manageable pace:

• Long, slow, deep breathing. Changes in breathing force your heart rate to slow. A slower heart rate can, in turn, slow down your brain and racing thoughts. Using breathwork effectively can take practice. Be patient with yourself and stick with it! Start by making time to incorporate breathing practices into your daily routine.
• Visualization. Imagine a thermostat or thermometer that goes from zero to 100. Everyone has a different threshold before anger escalates into uncontrollable rage. For some, the threshold may be 50. For others it may be 40, 30, or 20. It might even be zero. Pay attention to where your safety threshold is. Watch as the line rises. As the line approaches your threshold, visualize it decreasing instead. Again, this may take practice. But with practice, this tool can serve you well.

Neither of these tools are permanent fixes. But they can increase your ability to control your actions in the moment.

4. Be vulnerable.

As you master identifying and naming your feelings and using tools to better manage them, the healing process needs to continue internally. As you heal, you will become better able to address the wounds behind the anger and rage.

Vulnerability is scary at first. But it is, paradoxically, the door that leads to the greatest opportunity for sustained healing. The more authentically open you can allow yourself to be with yourself and others, the greater the chances trust can build, inside and outside.

5. Forgive and respect yourself and others.

This is the ultimate goal. It’s also an ongoing skill to master. To truly and fully learn how to forgive yourself for pain you’ve caused others, and to forgive others for the pain they’ve caused you, is something you’ll be challenged to do for the rest of your life. But once you’ve gained this ability, the rewards are endless. Likewise, learning to actively respect who you are beyond the pain you’ve endured, and to respect those you dare to love, is the best reward of all.

The solutions for episodes of anger turned to rage are not easy fixes. But through sustained work, solutions can often be found. This work may be difficult, but it is possible. A compassionate, qualified counselor can offer guidance and support as you begin.

We seem to have a love-hate relationship with intimacy. We say we want intimate connection, yet we create blocks to receiving it. We struggle to share the deepest parts of ourselves despite wanting our partners to see, hear, and know us.

The quality of our intimacy can mirror relationship problems, but often it reflects our conflict with intimacy itself. How do we reconcile wanting intimacy while fearing it?

First, let’s better understand intimacy. Intimate moments happen when we share our innermost selves—thoughts, feelings, desires, longings, wounds, dreams, faults, and more—with another person. The word intimacy has often been pronounced “into me, you see.”

In his book Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch, PhD acknowledges that our ultimate quest for intimacy is the search for love and we cannot be fully loved until we are fully known. To be fully known requires that we not only share our similarities with our partners, but also our differences.

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So, based on this, intimacy looks like this: In order to be intimate with you, I have to be willing to let you fully know me. If I let you fully know me, I risk losing you. I risk your rejection. I risk your abandonment. I risk you suffocating me. I risk your envelopment of me. I risk you knowing too much about me. I risk.

Then we have Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory of love, which tells us that passion, intimacy, and commitment make for loving relationships. Sternberg further states intimacy helps couples establish a sense of security.

How can something that feels so scary and risky bring safety and security? This is the paradox of intimate connection. While it feels risky, it often brings couples closer. It helps couples establish connection, fulfillment, and meaning.

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In their book Couples in Treatment, Gerald R. Weeks and Stephen T. Fife note four major fears that accompany intimacy. These include:

• Loss of self (dependence): Do you fear that if you fully reveal yourself, you will have somehow given up parts of yourself you wanted to keep private? Or that if you share too much, you somehow become boundary-less? While it may seem full disclosure leaves no boundary, it is through the process of revealing differences that boundaries become clearer. Disclosure can mark where your partner ends and where you begin.
• Loss of other (abandonment): This loss is most commonly reported. If you share too much or differ too much, your partner might disapprove of you, reject you, or abandon you. Rejection can be one of the most painful human experiences.
• Fear of emotions (anger and sadness): Anger and sadness bring extraordinary discomfort. Your expression of anger and/or sadness can create conflict with your partner. If you typically avoid conflict, you may tend to ignore these feelings and brush them under the rug.
• Fear of exposure: Intimate moments can leave you feeling “naked.” Our greatest fear lies in showing ourselves fully and not being loved for who we are.

So how do you develop a rich intimate life when intimacy feels so scary?

Step 1: Understand the Paradox

You may opt to not “rock the boat,” not “ruffle feathers,” or simply not reveal all of you. You may avoid, withhold, and spare your partner your true thoughts and feelings. It may feel counterintuitive to do otherwise. But research shows us the most robust intimate relationships involve high levels of vulnerability. Understand that intimacy is paradoxical. What feels scary has the greatest potential to bring you closer.

Step 2: Practice Courage

Great relationships require you to practice courageous intimacy. Since vulnerability feels uncomfortable and scary, you must exercise courage. Use your courage to propel you into conversations and/or actions that you might otherwise dismiss or withhold.

Step 3: Let Go of the Outcome

Intimacy requires you to let go of control. You want to be loved, but you cannot control whether someone loves you. You can control only you. You can be only you. Let go. This may be the greatest gift you can give your partner and, more importantly, yourself.

Intimacy can feel like a spiritual experience, tapping into a complex tapestry of our human existence. It can include extraordinary moments of deep connection along with experiences of profound, painful loss. Intimacy is the breath and life of all healthy relationships. It becomes the fertile ground for true love to flourish.

To learn ways to build intimacy in your relationship, contact a licensed therapist.

References:

1. Schnarch, D. (2009). Passionate marriage: Keeping love and intimacy alive in committed relationships. New York, NY: W.W, Norton & Company, Inc.
2. Weeks, G.R., & Fife, S.T. (2014). Couples in treatment: Techniques and approaches for effective practice. New York, NY: Routledge.

Every day, we are bombarded by situations, people, and feelings that have the potential to stress us out. We all have our own ways of dealing with this stress. Some of them are helpful, others not so much. Stress is complicated and highly personal to the individual who experiences it. Consider what makes you feel stressed out. Have you known other people who aren’t bothered by your stressors and seem to deal with them without much fuss? Do you know people who stress out about things that would never occur to you be a problem? Stress is all about perspective.

The reason people react differently to the same stressor has to do with their experiences. Stress is brought on by triggers or situations/people/emotions that you are particularly sensitive to because of things that have happened in your life.

Take anger, for example: A person who was raised in an unpredictable environment in which anger caused yelling, intimidation, or physical violence will likely react differently to anger than someone who was taught to express anger in a healthy way. Both people may experience a partner being angry with them, but only one of them is likely to be triggered. Another example is infertility. Someone who is struggling with fertility issues may react very differently when they find out a friend is pregnant than someone who conceived naturally. Learning of someone else’s pregnancy may trigger their anxiety, grief, and powerlessness related to infertility.

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You can imagine there are infinite ways individuals are triggered because there is a such a diverse array of circumstances that affect human beings. In addition to the diversity of triggers that exist, there is a broad spectrum of ways people react to their triggers. People tend to develop defense mechanisms, or unconscious reactions that protect them from the pain of their triggers. It is common to be unaware of the presence of these defense mechanisms as well as when they are in use. Many of us have heard or used the term “become defensive” when we feel that someone is trying to protect or defend themselves in an argument instead of listening to the opposing point of view. This often happens when a person is triggered by the subject matter. Even after the trigger has passed, the defense mechanism remains and may impact relationships and work.

As a therapist who works with women and LGBTQ+ individuals with anxiety, trauma, and body image issues, I see my share of defense mechanisms that come out during the course of a therapy session. A therapist is trained to identify and help people work through these defenses, which is critical in making progress on whatever issue brings them to treatment.

There are many different types of defense mechanisms, but the following are five common ones:

Regardless of how emotionally healthy we are, we all have defense mechanisms at play every day.

1. Sense-of-humor type. Laughter is the best medicine, right? Not always! People who use humor when talking about difficult situations are often masking pain underneath. Some people make fun of themselves to prevent others from doing it first. Others create humor-tinged stories around bad situations to avoid acknowledging how much they hurt. There isn’t anything wrong with making light of a struggle, but it’s important to also be able to talk about the darkness related to it.
2. Strong, silent type. You probably know one of these, if you aren’t one yourself. This person is the “rock,” the foundation of the family, the dependable one at work. This defense mechanism causes someone to try to appear strong and stable on the outside, even if they don’t feel that way on the inside. By always taking care of others, the focus never has to be on them because there is always someone in need. Remaining strong and silent not only prevents others from seeing they have pain and vulnerability, it helps the person forget it as well.
3. Laid-back type. This defense mechanism causes people to “go with the flow” or be overly accommodating. Someone who has this defense mechanism is often passive and waits to be told what to do or for someone else to make plans. This defense can mask feelings of inadequacy or lack of confidence needed to make a decision. When someone is laid back and doesn’t have to have an opinion, they don’t run the risk of upsetting someone or being rejected.
4. Perfectionistic type. Believe it or not, perfectionism generally isn’t a good thing—and perfection isn’t possible, anyway. Someone affected by the perfectionistic type of defense mechanism avoids making mistakes or being wrong at all costs. Underneath this defense is an intense fear of being judged or admonished. This defense can lead to a general sense of anxiety because there is always a chance something can go wrong.
5. Passive-aggressive type. Many of us use the term passive-aggressive to describe the behaviors of others, but do you know this behavior stems from a defense mechanism? When someone is passive-aggressive, they are letting others know they are angry or in need of something without doing so directly. Being passive-aggressive is an attempt to get needs met without coming right out with it. It is motivated by fear and avoidance of conflict and anger. Pouting indirectly instead of telling someone what the problem is lets them know something is wrong in a passive-aggressive way. The irony is passive-aggressive behaviors are usually more irritating and cause more anger than being direct.

Again, these behaviors are usually unconscious and people are generally not aware they are engaging in them. Regardless of how emotionally healthy we are, we all have defense mechanisms at play every day. Concerns develop when the defenses negatively impact a person’s life in a significant way. A qualified therapist can help you build your self-awareness, heal past pain and/or trauma, and get you coping in a healthy way with any triggers that come your way.

Anger is a strong emotion, one that has been conditioned or taught out of many women from an early age. We are taught instead to cry, stuff it, and otherwise dissemble, or hide our true feelings. It seems that, for many women, anger is simply not an acceptable emotion to have, much less show.

As a woman and as a therapist, I have often delved into the angry sides of the women I work with, helping them explore avenues to use and express that anger more honestly and safely. I encourage women to acknowledge their anger, even as a secondary emotion, because I view it as part of a complete human’s vast array of complex emotional experiences.

How Anger and Vulnerability Intersect

Recently, I have started to wonder about the intersection of female anger and vulnerability. Through my own work with a therapist, I began to recognize that my own anger often masked the very real hurt I was feeling, and that I would often choose anger over vulnerability. In those moments, I would feel strong, powerful, and righteous. But then I would be left feeling empty, incomplete, and full of anxiety that I had acted poorly. Expressing my anger, especially before I had time to reflect on the situation, never left me feeling that I had expressed myself well or fully. The differences between reacting and responding never felt clearer to me than in the aftermath of an angry interaction. In short, anger was a crapshoot—one I had been the proud standard-bearer of with those I worked with in therapy.

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In my opinion, female empowerment—when it comes to emotions, at least—has always been about finding ways to no longer feel ashamed of anything that made me a woman. In other words, empowerment meant my ability to be loudly and proudly feminine, masculine, sad, happy, silly, or sexy without worrying that I was acting “wrong.” What I hadn’t realized was that couched in this empowerment was a deep-seated personal belief that to be vulnerable was to be female—this was something I struggled with greatly. I found that to be proudly angry whenever I felt it was the better of two options. That is, until I noticed my anger never left me feeling true to myself.

The question of how to be vulnerable while honoring underlying feelings such as anger is an interesting one. I’ve had to ask myself, “Why do I feel this way? What am I actually sad about?” I visualize myself as a coin. The glaring, shiny side is my anger, but the other side—a little rusty from lack of use—is, nine times out of 10, my hurt, sadness, loneliness, and fear. These emotions are often heavy and numbing, not at all the powerful motivating force I was used to when I simply embraced my anger to my own detriment. Vulnerability, my rusty side of the coin, was the missing ingredient preventing me from acknowledging my full emotional experience.

While it is never easy to consciously decide to respond from a place of vulnerability, I have found it often leads to a real sense of relief.

My eureka moment, if I can call it that, was when I realized that if I knew anger was a secondary emotion, I needed to start using it as a secondary emotion. In other words, I needed to take the time to reflect on what I was feeling, making sure to acknowledge the rusty side of my coin, and then choose how to respond based on that rusty side. My anger, the secondary emotion, could wait. It wasn’t going to move me forward in a way I felt good about.

While it is never easy to consciously decide to respond from a place of vulnerability, I have found it often leads to a real sense of relief. Some of the weight is lifted from my shoulders, and I have more clarity around what I want as an end result, whether this is restored connection, mutual understanding, forgiveness, or love.

The new stance I take is helping the women I work with find their own crossroads with difficult emotions. While I believe anger is still a relatively difficult emotion for women, I can now offer a more balanced perspective on honoring the emotion while also looking underneath it to determine potential next steps.

Knowing the differences between responding and reacting, finding ways to slow down and consider the hoped-for outcome of a difficult interaction, and checking in with the rusty side of the coin are all parts of the process I now use when anger shows up—in myself and in the people I work with.

If you have been struggling with difficult emotions, I hope you will seek support from a therapist or counselor to help provide clarity, compassion, and a safe space to work through self-judgement and achieve a more complete sense of self.

Reference:

Sladek Nowlis, R. (2000, January 28). Comparison of anger expression in men and women reveals surprising differences. University of California San Francisco News Center. Retrieved from https://www.ucsf.edu/news/2000/01/5027/comparison-anger-expression-men-and-women-reveals-surprising-differen

Love is a topic that has never lost human relevance or interest. Poetry, songs, essays, novels, movies, and multitudes of self-help books focus on this marvelous, mysterious topic.

Yet, there are questions that remain for many of us regarding the meaning, nature, and scope of love in the most practical terms.

• How do we define love within the range of our personal experiences?
• How do we practice love?
• How and in what situations are we aware of being loved?
• How do we show love to others and to ourselves?
• How do we navigate expressing and giving love without getting deeply hurt?
• When is love healthy and when is it not?

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First is the question of the meaning of love. At its base, love is an emotion. It’s a positive feeling we have about another person. The feeling includes warmth and gentleness toward the person in question, and a deep appreciation and concern for their well-being. Love creates a desire to be closer to another, to comfort, and to be comforted. We seek and often experience joy and happiness in love (at the very least initially, if we sense the feeling is mutual).

The nature and scope of love can be broad: romantic love, as we most often think of it; love for family and friends; and love for humanity, etc. However, equally important is self-love.

Navigating the more challenging questions can spark debate and further discussion. Here, we will consider several psychological approaches to this issue before I offer some of my own thoughts.

Attachment

Sue Johnson, who developed emotionally focused therapy (based on attachment theory) for couples, describes the emotional need we all have for secure attachments or bonding with others in her book Attachment Processes in Couple and Family Therapy:

It is this need, and the fears of loss and isolation that accompany this need, that provides the script for the oldest and most universal of human dramas that couple and family therapists see played out in their offices every day. (p. 4)

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She goes on to explain that for those of us who did not have a chance for “secure bonding” with our parents or parent figures as children, it’s often more difficult to bond with a mate. People with insecure attachments tend to either isolate and shut down in the face of true intimacy, or they over-attach in a desperate or clingy manner. The combination of the two is often the precursor for an abusive relationship. By no means is bonding with others impossible, but it may take more work to achieve and maintain that desired healthy connection.

Vulnerability

However, love is frequently fragile and easily damaged. Therefore, we fear becoming damaged by it and being vulnerable to it. I’ve recently seen a number of people in therapy who provided a prime example of this phenomenon—all were single and afraid of immersing themselves in the dating scene. This is not an uncommon fear, but it is one that inhibits opportunities for meeting potential loving partners. Common assumptions include, “There’s no one out there for me,” or, “They’re all a bunch of losers,” or, worst of all, “I’m such a loser, no one would be interested in me.” These assumptions can evolve into destructive beliefs.

The more we give ourselves permission to try out new and constructive ideas, the more likely we are to change our experiences for the better.

Cognitive behavioral therapy addresses these negative thoughts by suggesting that our behaviors and the way we feel are driven by the way we think, and, therefore, replacing negative thoughts with positive ones will guide us into healthier love patterns. Sometimes negative beliefs have been there for so long—and most of us have at least one bad experience to back them up—that we find it difficult to gain a positive outlook. The more we give ourselves permission to try out new and constructive ideas, the more likely we are to change our experiences for the better.

Brené Brown has written extensively on the topics of vulnerability and shame. “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity,” she writes in her book Daring Greatly. In other words, it takes real human courage to be vulnerable, but it is also necessary for real intimacy and bonding to take place. Brown feels that shame gets in the way of such vulnerability. Shame is a collection of real or perceived guilt from the past, creating a general sense of unworthiness. As Brown puts it:

If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees. Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we speak shame, it begins to wither. (p. 58)

Respect

If shame, unworthiness, and lack of secure attachment from childhood are the primary obstacles that stand in the way of love being truly healthy and nurturing, it is my suggestion to look more closely to ensure respect is a meaningful part of our love relationships. Respect means honoring the other person as well as yourself, fully and without judgment. It is this aspect of love that is so often overlooked, yet respect, in its deepest meaning of connection, is the backbone that stabilizes and provides security for loving, healthy relationships.

If you struggle with self-love, or if you believe something is standing in the way of closeness with others, seeing a licensed therapist can be greatly beneficial.

References:

1. Brown, B. (2013). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York, NY: Penguin.
2. Johnson, S. M., & Whiffen, V. E., Ed. (2003). Attachment processes in couple and family therapy. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Editor’s note: The following article refers to instances of anger in relationships that do not escalate into any kind of abuse, either physical or emotional. 

Articles discussing anger in relationships often feature photos that tend to be comical, depicting people screaming or gesturing wildly at each other, for example. These photos take a lighthearted look at a very serious subject—in my opinion, nothing destroys a relationship quicker than hostility and anger.

Consider this scenario: You’ve spent time laying the foundation of a loving relationship (that hopefully started with building a friendship) with your partner. You’ve worked hard to have a strong foundation of friendship and respect, but slowly you’re beginning to realize your partner is someone who has a lot of anger built up. Often you don’t even know where the anger they experience is coming from.

Anger can have a serious impact on a relationship. Those who live with and love someone who has a lot of anger can often get caught up in trying to find fault. A symptom of something deeper and more complex, anger can also be contagious, and both people in the relationship often end up angry. After a time, you may become less able to even recognize each other as people, and your basic feelings about yourself often no longer align with what you’re experiencing. Instead, you end up seeing yourself as an angry and hostile individual, identifying your relationship as one where you as well as your partner are angry all the time. [fat_widget_right]

Learning to Become Authentic and Vulnerable

In my work with couples, I focus on helping each partner become authentic and vulnerable, to reach a place where they are susceptible and open to the other partner’s words, actions, and statements.

When we are continually angry, we can begin to see each other as adversaries instead of the allies we truly are. We may have learned the best defense is an offense, so we go into attack mode, to strike at them before they can strike us. That keeps us defensive, trapped in the mode of looking to our partner as the one who is responsible for the problem. We’re not going to allow ourselves to be vulnerable to being hurt. If we do, we’re open to blaming our partners for the problems. This creates negative assumptions about our partners, so we lean toward being protective of ourselves. The result is an outward appearance of being uncaring and unloving—though this appearance may be accurate in the moment, when we are in protection and defense mode in our relationship instead of focusing on the love we have for our partner.

The cycle of anger changes our perception of ourselves, our partners, and the entire relationship. To change this perception and see what is really there, we need to identify the fears and difficulties that have been created by the anger and address the impact anger is having on the relationship.

When we are continually angry, we can begin to see each other as adversaries instead of the allies we truly are. We may have learned the best defense is an offense, so we go into attack mode, to strike at them before they can strike us. That keeps us defensive, trapped in the mode of looking to our partner as the one who is responsible for the problem.

If we experienced anger in our family of origin, or if we have experience with domestic violence, we may recognize its danger. We might try to avoid anger as long as possible, but it builds up, like a teakettle slowly reaching a boil. Eventually you, like the kettle, will eventually reach a boiling point where you can no longer contain your anger. If you don’t have the skills to manage it productively, it can explode.

How Can We Address Anger?

It can be difficult to talk about anger instead of displaying it. Maybe your past family experience tells you violence will be the outcome of any discussion, and so discussing your anger is the last thing you want to do. This is one situation where both people often feel so bad about themselves and each other that they tend to not even recognize themselves or their partner in these interactions.

In defense, some numb their emotions and don’t access them at all. Feelings of being denied, or as if one’s feelings don’t matter, often develop, and these fears, insecurities, and feelings of self-doubt contribute to the anger. The conflict causes partners to avoid connecting emotionally not only to the anger, but also to the other intense emotions that accompany it.

Because the experience is so different from the way you see yourself, you may tend to see your partner as the one who is causing it and come to believe you don’t matter to them. But anger is an emotion that often serves to mask other emotions—pain, loneliness, or feelings of alienation. Often we must go through the anger to the other side in order to resolve the other emotional hurts underneath.

The answer to this is really to go back to the friendship, the foundation you first laid for your love relationship. Underneath all of the pain and difficulty are still two people who truly love and care about each other and want the best for each other. We want to be there for each other, but how do we do that when emotional eruptions continue to happen and we feel powerless to stop them?

Try these steps:

1. Identify that this is a problem. If you don’t acknowledge it, you won’t be able to break the cycle.
2. Find a way to cool down your temper and de-escalate arguments. Couples who truly know each other often know how to, even in the heat of anger, inject humor into the conflict and change the tone of the discussion. When you can laugh about things, you know you’ve worked hard on your relationship. You first have to have that foundation of trust, though, in order be able to do this. You have to know your partner and truly believe their intentions are trustworthy.
3. Think before you speak. If you’re speaking while triggered, nothing will be able to be resolved. Anger has a way of shutting down your brain until you’re only angry—you’re often not reasoning or thinking clearly. You need to be able to step back, look for the causes of the anger (attachment needs not being met, for example), and talk about them. When I see couples who are in conflict, often the issues they’re arguing about/are angry about stem from feelings of detachment. Deep breathing and calming techniques can be helpful steps in de-escalating the situation.
4. Own your anger and be aware of warning signs. Address the primary emotions underlying the anger. Often in these situations, we’re only addressing the secondary emotions, the things that made you angry or set them off. But these are not the core issues. Primary emotions instead might include feelings of vulnerability, loneliness, and abandonment. When your partner is angry, it may remind you about losses in your family. You might feel guilt, shame, and defeat over not knowing how to have a good relationship with someone you care for a great deal. You may experience self-doubt, which can be hard to navigate when you face this kind of confusion. Your experiences may not match who you are or who you think your partner is.
5. Keep a journal. Write down what matters to you and what you want from your relationship. Take time to describe the feelings of sadness and self-doubt, among others, you experience when the two of you are not doing as well. Whether you bring this journal to counseling to help you put your emotions into words, share your thoughts with your partner on your own, or simply keep the journal private, being able to articulate these issues can help you identify the real reasons you’re in this angry cycle with your partner.
6. Deal with the anger as soon as possible. Address it immediately and acknowledge what you’re upset about. Show your partner you truly care about what is bothering or hurting them, and express your feelings in non-blaming ways. If your partner is full of anger and becomes harsh or critical, don’t have to take it to heart. If it’s not accurate, you don’t have to defend yourself (this often escalates). Instead, stand back and allow yourself to see the real message behind the hurtful words. Often the message is something much deeper. Your partner loves you but may feel you don’t love them because of something you’ve done or said and doesn’t know how else to express their feelings in the moment. If you can step past the anger and acknowledge your partner is hurting underneath the anger, you can reassure them you do care and begin to address the anger and its impact together, with your relationship as the top priority. (No one should ever take responsibility for a partner’s anger that is expressed through any type of abuse or violence. This is never okay. If anger in your relationship is characterized by abuse and violence, please reach out.)
7. Work on really listening. Communication is not just speaking, it’s listening, truly listening. Acknowledge what your partner is saying, and own up to any responsibility for feelings of frustration, hurt, or disconnect. If you have hurt your partner, apologize with sincerity. If you’re the injured party, work on forgiving them instead of holding on to anger and resentment. This, with the help of a qualified couples counselor if necessary, can help the two of you move forward toward a better place together.

Anger is something that can alter a relationship to the point you are no longer able to be proud of who you are together. You want to have the kind of relationship where you feel you’re with your best friend and where you know you care deeply for each other. Once partners get to the core of the problems and identify the needs both parties have, it’s possible to learn how to meet those needs for each other and begin to have more positive experiences together, changing any negative perceptions.

Anger is often a symptom of something deeper. When we realize this, we can address this in order to change the tone of our discussion about anger, put an end to negative interactions, and begin to make space for positive communication and change.