GoodTherapy | College Students, Belonging, and the Benefits of Fraternity and Sorority Membership

by Kendall Coffman, MS, Marriage and Family Therapist*

Fraternity and Sorority Membership for College Students: Emotional Benefits and Relevance for Clinical Practice

First-Year Experience for Traditional College Students

When college students first arrive on campus, they are wide-eyed and excited to take the first steps in their new journey. While many have an idea of what to expect (or at least believe they do), many more do not; either way, this is a new experience for all. The first-year experience is instrumental for college student success. According to Upcraft, Gardner, and Barefoot (2004), “[T]he first year of college, particularly in the first semester, is critical for establishing academic and social behaviors that safeguard retention” (p. 87). Universities and colleges acknowledged the importance of this transition by designing opportunities to support student success through various engagement opportunities and initiatives. Commonly seen first-year programming includes pre/orientation, academic advising, seminars, learning communities, and a wide variety of welcoming programs such as student organization fairs, concerts, wellness events, retreats, and speakers. 

Although there are many common initiatives and programs designed for first-year students across institutional settings, there is no set way of doing any one of them. No single effort is universally implemented to support first-year student success across the nation. Additionally, the following years are often overlooked, which is why institutions often see the “sophomore slump,” a phenomenon that has been described similar to “senioritis” due to the lack of attention and programming geared towards second-year students (Sterling, 2018). However, one powerful first-year experience that continues to impact student success beyond their first year and is often overlooked in metrics relating to persistence is membership in a fraternity or sorority. 

Known Effects of Fraternity and Sorority Membership on Mental Health and Community

A student’s need to belong and adjust to the college community can reinforce their relationship with the university—or, if unmet, damage it. Studies indicate that student involvement in campus clubs and organizations positively impacts retention and academic success. (Astin, 1993). Student success is directly impacted by the “sense of belonging, defined as membership, feelings of acceptance, being cared about or part of a group” (Osterman, 2000). Present literature supports participation and membership in fraternal organizations to increase social integration, academic achievement, student development, and retention. Moreover, fraternities and sororities can be viewed as a “high-impact practice” (Association of Fraternity/Sorority Advisors, 2016). 

Research shows a positive correlation between fraternal organizations and student retention and persistence for those who join fraternal organizations in their first year (Debard & Sacks, 2010). One study published by the National Panhellenic Conference (Biddix, 2014) reported that when comparing nonmembers to sorority members, sorority members had higher retention and graduation rates (both on time and within six years). Similar reports have shown that both fraternity and sorority members nationwide demonstrate higher levels of social involvement and academic achievement (Pike, 2003). There is also evidence showcasing that students in fraternal organizations have a positive influence on their nonmember peers and the ability to foster student development. The majority of fraternal organizations have academic policies and programming that help first-year college students with goal setting, time management, and developing study habits. They also tend to create an environment and culture that motivates students to achieve their goals (Sasso, 2012). Belonging to a Greek organization has definite benefits extending beyond the social realm. 

Clinical Relevance for Practice

Clinicians working with emerging adults and current college students can use the therapeutic space to explore the key community-building experiences their clients are taking part in. Early adulthood has been shown to be key in fostering continued growth and personal development. For many, that time period takes place during their time at college. 

If you are a clinician working with a college student considering joining an organization or struggling to make connections in college, here are a few considerations for practice:

If Your Student Is Considering Going Greek

If you are a parent/guardian or family member with a student who is considering joining a student group on a college campus, here are a few considerations:

Impacts on Belonging in the Age of Covid-19

The past year has presented unique challenges for college students. It is much more difficult to find community, to feel that sense of belonging due to the largely virtual structure that most universities have adopted. Students have fewer opportunities to engage with their peers in the ways they normally would have in the past, arguably leaving many of them feeling disconnected from their peers and universities. However, fraternities and sororities continue to foster a virtual space through innovative recruitment tactics and educational programming. 

Educational and Psychosocial Conversations to Consider Due to Covid-19:

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 *with Taylor Zeigler, MA

References

Association of Fraternity/Sorority Advisors. (2016). High Impact Practices. Perspectives: Journal for the Association of Fraternity/Sorority Advisors, Summer 2016.

Astin, A. (1993). What matters in college: Four critical years revisited. San Francisco, CA: Jossey- Bass.

Biddix, J., Singer, K., & Aslinger, E. (2016). First-Year Retention and National Panhellenic Conference Sorority Membership: A Multi-Institutional Study. Journal of College Student Retention: Research, Theory & Practice, 20(2), 236-252.

Debard, R. & Sacks, C. (2010). Fraternity/Sorority membership: Good news about first-year impact. Oracle: The Research Journal of the Association of Fraternity/Sorority Advisors, 5(1), 12-23. 

Kanter, M., Ochoa, E., Nassif, R., & Chong, F. (2011). Meeting President Obama’s 2020 college completion goal. Retrieved from http://www.ed.gov/news/speeches/meeting-president-obamas-2020-college-completion-goal.

Osterman, Karen. (2000). Students’ Need for Belonging in the School Community. Review of Educational Research – REV EDUC RES. 70. 323-367. 10.3102/00346543070003323.

Pike, G. R. (2003). Membership in a Fraternity or Sorority, Student Engagement, and Educational Outcomes at AAU Public Research Universities. Journal of College Student Development, 44(3), 369–382. doi: 10.1353/csd.2003.0031

Sasso, P. A. (2012) Towards a Typology of Fraternity/Sorority Programs. Oracle: The Research Journal of the Association of Fraternity/Sorority Advisors, 7(1), 22-42.

Sterling, A.J. (2018), Student Experiences in the Second Year: Advancing Strategies for Success Beyond the First Year of College. Strategic Enrollment Mgmt Quarterly, 5: 136-149. doi:10.1002/sem3.20113

Upcraft, M., Gardner, J., & Barefoot, B. (Eds.). (2004). Challenge and support: Creating climates for first-year student success. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.

A grown man is passed out on the yard next to a kiddie pool.In Peter Pan, the eponymous protagonist occupies a mythical placed called Never-Never Land, where children never grow up. While people with Peter Pan syndrome can and do become adults, they are stubbornly resistant to taking on the responsibilities of adulthood and adopting social norms associated with growing older.

Peter Pan syndrome, which is sometimes called failure to launch, is not a clinical diagnosis. Indeed, it may apply to a wide range of people and symptoms, from the 40-year-old woman who chooses not to work and instead lives with her mother, to the 30-year-old man who keeps having children for whom he provides little support.

Therapy can help people who feel uncomfortable growing up understand the root of their difficulties. With patience and hard work, they can transition toward happy adulthood and establish lasting relationships.

What is Peter Pan Syndrome?

Psychologist Dan Kiley coined the term Peter Pan syndrome in his 1983 book, Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up. Kiley worked with troubled teenage boys. He found that many grew into adult men who struggled to accept adult responsibilities.

Some characteristics of Peter Pan syndrome might include:

Kiley claimed the refusal to grow up is a primarily male affliction. He also believed women who “mother” their male partners—a complex he dubbed the Wendy dilemma—may enable these men to continue avoiding adult responsibilities. While both men and women can refuse to grow up, most literature on Peter Pan syndrome continues to focus on men.

What Causes Peter Pan Syndrome?

Peter Pan syndrome is not a clinically recognized diagnosis, and it is a newly identified syndrome. For these reasons, little research has explored the phenomenon. Some factors that may play a role in Peter Pan syndrome include:

Having “childish” interests—such as dolls or comic books—does not cause Peter Pan syndrome. Instead, this syndrome is about a refusal to take on responsibility and form reciprocal relationships.

What Maturity Means in a Cultural Context

The meaning of adulthood and maturity varies significantly across cultures. In some cultures, people live with their families for a lifetime and show their adulthood by marrying or having children.  In others, the hallmark of adulthood is the ability to live independently and away from one’s parents. Yet other cultures would consider living separately from one’s parents a sign of abandoning one’s duties to their family. In other words, the hallmark of this syndrome is not necessarily any single symptom, but instead a failure to adopt common norms of adulthood.

Some young people who appear to have Peter Pan syndrome may simply be taking longer to grow up due to forces outside their control.That said, the inability to leave home or find a spouse is not always proof that someone has Peter Pan syndrome. A person with a serious mobility impairment may need help from a caregiver to tend to daily tasks. The same level of help for someone who is not disabled would be inappropriate.

Complex sociological and economic factors can also delay when an individual reaches certain milestones. A 2013 people found young Americans are becoming financially independent at later ages than previous generations did. This is due in part to a shifting job market, increasing costs of education, rising rent prices, and many other factors. Financial dependency can in turn affect other milestones such as finding a spouse.

Some young people who appear to have Peter Pan syndrome may simply be taking longer to grow up due to forces outside their control. Financial status alone does not determine one’s maturity. Rather, adulthood is shown through a person’s willingness to work toward milestones and take responsibility for their actions.

Therapy for Peter Pan Syndrome

In many cases, an individual’s failure to grow up harms the people around them. The individual’s partner may feel overwhelmed and exhausted by taking on all household responsibilities. The person’s parents may take money from their retirement savings to continue providing material support.

Individuals with Peter Pan syndrome may not see their symptoms as problematic. Many only seek help when they lose a source of support or when their symptoms endanger their relationship. Loved ones struggling with someone else’s Peter Pan syndrome should know that drawing clear boundaries may encourage their loved one to seek help.

Family therapy or couples counseling can help an entire family understand their current dynamic. In therapy, they can address their own contributions and work toward healthier, more balanced relationships.

In individual counseling, a therapist can help a person understand their reluctance to grow up, tackle underlying factors such as trauma, and make a plan for transitioning to adulthood. Getting a job, forming a relationship, and becoming independent can feel like monumental tasks. The right therapist can break these tasks down into manageable steps, helping a person steadily improve their life.

References:

  1. Arnett, J. J., & Galambos, N. L. (2003). Culture and conceptions of adulthood. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development, 100, 91-98. Retrieved from https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/1dd8/8dfff10bb9d61fdfa5aef2997a6c7fabbbe8.pdf
  2. Carnevale, A. P., Hanson, A. R., & Gulish, A. (2013). Failure to launch: Structural shift and the new lost generation. Retrieved from https://eric.ed.gov/?id=ED558185
  3. Overprotecting parents can lead children to develop ‘Peter Pan Syndrome’. (2007, May 03). ScienceDaily. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/05/070501112023.htm
  4. Quadrio, C. (1982). The Peter Pan and Wendy syndrome: A marital dynamic. Australian & New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, 16(2), 23-28. Retrieved from https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.3109/00048678209161187?journalCode=ianp20
  5. Thomas, R. M., Jr. (1996, February 27). Dan Kiley, 54, dies; wrote ‘Peter Pan syndrome’. New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/1996/02/27/us/dan-kiley-54-dies-wrote-peter-pan-syndrome.html

Dear GoodTherapy,

My best friend and I have known each other since college. We started out as “enemies,” competing to see who could get the best grades, run the fastest mile … you get the idea. Rivalry led to grudging respect, which in turn led to a ride-or-die brotherhood.

We moved in together after graduation, but the competitive streak never went away. We’ve always been rivals first, friends second. Now that we live together, we have smaller, more personal things to compete over, such as who’s growing the better beard, who makes more money, and so on.

At first it was a blast. We had dumb contests over who could clean their half of the apartment quickest or who could finish their cereal first. It made all the boring parts of adulthood fun.

But after three years, the rivalry has become a drain on my life. I feel as if I’m always putting on a show, like I can’t relax in my own apartment. It’s gotten to the point where I’m driving the scenic route home, buying a few more minutes to myself.

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Part of me wonders if I lost my enthusiasm because my friend got a promotion at his job before I did. I’m happy for him, really. But now there’s this unspoken tension between us. My line of work requires a lot more training than his does, so I won’t catch up financially in two years at least. I’m finding myself being more competitive about fitness to compensate, even though I’m already exhausted.

I want to quit this never-ending competition, or at least dial it back some. But if I talk to my friend about it, I’ll be “surrendering,” and my pride can’t take that. Is there any way for me to bow out of this rivalry without losing my friend’s respect? —Can’t Compete

Dear CC,

It’s funny you ask me that, because your competitor/friend also just wrote to me, and I’m trying to decide which is the better question.

Okay, I’m kidding. I appreciate the question. To be honest, it sounds like an excellent premise for a comedy film or short story. I can see the caption now: “Let the game begin!” with two serious young men staring at us.

I can’t help but wonder what keeps it going, and (in all seriousness) what makes the stakes so important. It is somewhat intriguing you have this self-protective pride with (I’m assuming) such a good friend (let’s call him John for the sake of simplicity). What’s up with that?

It makes sense that after three years you have tired of the constant rivalry, which from the sound of it pretty much overwhelms the friendship. I’m trying to imagine what meals at home are like. “Pass the salt.” “Quick: What’s the chemical compound of salt, and which elemental combination is toxic?” It’s a sure way to drive one batty, and I commend you for hanging in there so long. Part of me wonders, in fact, if your friend/rival feels the same.

In fact, it sounds as if the intense, never-ending competition has become a bit toxic, and certainly not fun—which begs the question of why you haven’t discussed it yet.

The moment I typed that question, a thought came to me. Perhaps it is hard for you to tell if “John” is truly a caring friend—would he forgive or accept your wanting to end the exhausting, perpetual contests, or would he lord it over you and say, “Ah, so you couldn’t handle the pressure, eh bro? Guess I win!” If so, the risk then is of possibly losing the friendship or taking a hit to your self-esteem (since obviously his estimation of you matters to you), thus the dilemma of having to endure or continue a competition longer than any iron man contest imaginable.

Now for a bit of oversimplified psychology. The pioneer psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut, who bravely broke away from Sigmund Freud to create a psychoanalytic or psychological perspective based on empathy, spoke of two types of “transferences.” Transference can be understood in myriad ways.

One of the ways I think of it is how we attach to others. Specifically, others who represent the possibility of meeting some of our ongoing or unmet emotional needs. It is not unusual for young men to enter the kind of friendly, even sometimes edgy competition you speak of. Here, however, there seems to be an extra something underscoring the contest; something that is very much at stake, that could be lost if one of you “gives in” or “succumbs.”

Kohut spoke of an idealizing transference and a twinship transference. (There are other types, and this is oversimplified for the sake of brevity.) An idealizing transference tends to be that of a child looking up to a parent in search of positive reflection, encouragement, self-esteem, what have you. In Star Wars, for instance, Luke has competing father figures: the loving and benevolent Obi-Wan Kenobi and the darker, ego-based Darth Vader, each of whom struggles for the allegiance of Luke’s soul.

In this vein, I detect a possible co-idealization going on—either between you and “John,” or between you and some internalized father or authority figure whose possible “approval” (or denial thereof) is at stake in these contests, which have taken on significance. It makes me wonder if each of you sees a bit of your own father (or mother, or some other authority figure) in the other, or if you both invoke a coach you both had who instigated competition and doled out approval. Perhaps, along these lines, the two of you are now enacting or reliving an earlier, unresolved competition, the psychological stakes of which are mutually understood to be high.

This brings me to the second idealization Kohut talks about, which is twinship, or a profound sense of close companionship or cosmic similarity. A twinship is, as the name suggests, analogous to siblings. Using the Skywalker example, Luke turns out to have a profound twinship with his sister Leia, and (SPOILER ALERT!) sacrifices his life for her in the most recent installment. On a more comic level, there is a rich twinship between the two droids, C3PO and R2D2. (Many comic duos are based on such twinships, such as Laurel and Hardy, Hope and Crosby, Cheech and Chong, and man am I dating myself!)

I am curious about whatever deeper or unconscious motivations are pushing this initially rousing (I am guessing) and benevolently competitive twinship into an intensive contest where only one of you “wins” while the other shamefully “loses”—as if some judging but invisible authority figure is hovering close at hand.

It sounds like you are outgrowing the need for your friend’s (or some shared authority figure’s) approval, which to me is a positive sign; growing pains are never easy. You are realizing the rigors of this never-ending trial are becoming absurdly irrelevant and straining.

It sounds like you are outgrowing the need for your friend’s (or some shared authority figure’s) approval, which to me is a positive sign; growing pains are never easy. You are realizing the rigors of this never-ending trial are becoming absurdly irrelevant and straining.

Your task, then, as I see it, would be to find and tap into the “benevolent parent” or Obi-Wan Kenobi aspect of yourself. Confide in a trusted counselor or adviser. Maybe say to John, “Hey, buddy, it’s been fun, but it’s over. I just can’t anymore. Too tiring and time consuming, and we both have a life. We’re not college students anymore, so let’s move on” … or something of the kind.

You might also point out that life itself is competitive, in terms of finding a successful partner, career, and so forth. At what point does this college holdover become a distraction or safer way of competing in a wider, more uncertain, or even more intimidating world? Might the two of you become allies in spurring each other on, since the field of competition (as it were) has grown wider, more vast?

Finally, allow some compassion for the two of you, certainly yourself. Change is difficult, and transitioning into post-college adulthood is daunting. Clearly you have other tasks before you, and life is calling you forth. Sounds like you have good intuition to move on from this, and I would follow it.

Yes, it is risky, as John could become a taunting sibling or even invoke a dark or judging parent or authority figure before your very eyes and shamefully exclaim, “You weakling!” But honestly, so what? Do you really want to have a friend who is that inflexible, so insecure that he must always be competitive? I also imagine, by the way, that any potential romantic partners, were it to continue unabated, might find it distracting. (The comedy film I Love You, Man and similar “bromances” touched on these themes.)

The fact you even sent the question means your psyche or spirit is wanting to grow—which is difficult, to be sure, but a sign of maturity. In the end, you learn that a mark of true self-esteem is not needing to compare yourself, since each person is on their own existential journey. Perhaps this is, in part, what is dawning on you.

Hope this was helpful. Thanks for writing.

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT

Overhead view of person sitting on wood floor holding a smartphoneThe internet has put everything at our fingertips, both figuratively and literally speaking. With the click of a button, you can get something delivered to your home in hours, connect with people on the other side of the world, and get information on anything and everything you can think of. But with these advantages comes responsibility.

Access to technology can feel crucial. You use it to complete work, stay connected with your friends, and keep up-to-date on the latest and greatest. Technology can be really beneficial for these purposes. But if you are not careful, technology can switch from being your best friend to your worst enemy. Whether this happens, believe it or not, is often within your control.

These dos and don’ts are here to help you remember to maintain a healthy relationship with technology.

Don’t: Say anything online you wouldn’t say in person.
Do: Think before you post.

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Communicating online can give anyone a false sense of confidence, anonymity, and protection. It is easy to forget that what we do and say online can be saved and shared with anyone and often has very real consequences in your personal life and relationships. Instead of responding to things in a reactive way, stop and think before you post. Count to three or take a break from your device and think about any potential consequences before hitting send.

Don’t: Share your passwords with anyone.
Do: Practice good tech security.

When you’re friends with someone, it can be hard or impossible to imagine you will ever stop being friends or that they would do something to hurt you. But sometimes friends have a falling out; people can surprise us or make mistakes. Sharing passwords, even with your best friend, can increase the risk of someone accessing your private information or impersonating you with the intent of causing you harm. There is rarely a good reason for someone else to have your login information, so keep it private.

Don’t: Believe everything you read or see.
Do: View information through a realistic lens.

It may feel like technology use is connecting you with others, but this is nothing compared to connection and engagement with people and the world around you.

Think about what you post online. Are you posting pictures of yourself when you first wake up—hair all over, no makeup, and wearing pajamas? Are you sharing information about embarrassing moments, bad choices, or your own vulnerabilities? Probably not. People are very careful about creating their online personas. That Instagram picture of your friend with the “perfect body” smiling at the beach may have taken ten tries to get the most flattering shot. The post about your friend’s awesome weekend is probably 80% truth and 20% fluff.

It can be easy to think everyone you follow online is happy, has the best body, or lives the most exciting life. But technology can be deceiving, and people have the power to display only their good parts. Remember to take everything you read with a grain of salt and maintain a healthy perspective about what you see online.

Don’t: Use online resources as your only information source.
Do: Reach out to adults or professionals when you need help or have questions.

The beauty of the internet is that you can find information about nearly anything. The downside is that not all of that information is helpful or accurate. Using the internet as your sole source of information can lead to some unhealthy choices. If you are concerned, have questions, or are unsure of something, ask a trusted adult or professional for help.

Don’t: Go down the technology rabbit hole.
Do: Make conscious choices about how much time you spend on your devices and remember to invest in face-to-face relationships.

Think about how much time you spend on your devices, including your phone, tablet, computer, and video game console. Chances are, you spend much of your time on some device. Take a moment to think about how this use impacts your life. How many moments have you wasted because you were browsing Instagram stories? What fun activities have you missed because you opted to spend your time on Snapchat or YouTube? How many relationships have you neglected because of the amount of time spent playing video games?

It may feel like technology use is connecting you with others, but this is nothing compared to connection and engagement with people and the world around you. Be conscious of the time you spend online. Make an effort to put down your device when around family or friends. Look up from your phone and take in the world. You might be amazed at what you find and the experiences you may have.

Take inventory of your relationship with technology. If you realize you have developed an unhealthy and unbalanced relationship, don’t wait to make a change. Start making smart tech choices today! Reach out to a compassionate therapist or counselor if you are having difficulty disconnecting from technology.

Mother and daughter sit on couch, not acknowledging each other after argument.“Don’t you walk away when I’m talking to you!”

“But Mom!”

“Don’t ‘but Mom’ me. I’m not finished here!”

Sigh. Eye roll.

“You’re losing your phone for a week for being so disrespectful.”

Bedroom door slams.

“Make that two, you ungrateful little brat!”

Maybe things aren’t this bad in your home. Maybe they are worse.

The adolescent years are difficult for many families. To make things more complicated, puberty begins earlier and children leave home permanently later than in any previous generation. This means parents may spend more time navigating changes and challenges that arise as their children become adults. [fat_widget_right]

Developmental stages are determined by internal biological clocks. The age at which a child learns to walk, begins talking, understands object permanence, understands that death is permanent, or develops romantic attractions is determined mostly by biology, not parenting. It is often easier for a parent not to personalize their 4-year-old repeatedly asking “why?” than it is not to take the individuation attempts of a teen personally. On top of stress that may occur as teenagers find their independence, parents are often exhausted from work, household responsibilities, parenting obligations, and extended family needs.

Burnout and Parents of Teenagers

Many households are run by single parents or have a disabled parent in the home. Trying to squeeze in a little self-care, exercise, and time with friends may seem nearly impossible when it’s needed most.

I invite parents who seek counseling with me to first consider if heated exchanges at home are, in part, a signal they are burned out. When parents are sleep-deprived, experiencing relationship issues, or neglecting activities that recharge their emotional batteries, it is often apparent in the tone they set for the household.

Why Is Your Teenager Disrespectful?

Adolescent anger or angst is not a parent’s fault. In fact, outward expressions of anger may be a sign of adolescent depression. If this is a concern, calmly take your teen to a licensed counselor or to their physician to be evaluated. Most tension between parents and adolescents is a normal part of individuation. Remember, it is up to the adult, not the adolescent, to stop the back-and-forth.

Adolescents do not have the insight, power, or privileges adults do. They can’t sign legal documents or stay out past curfew, and they depend on their parents for finances, health care, extracurricular activities, vacations, clothes—nearly everything. A teenager’s dependency is often at odds with their strong emotional desire for independence. This battle rages within the teen and more often than not, spills over onto those closest to them.

Handling Disrespectful Behavior: Be the Example

Respecting a teen’s feelings is not the same as giving them everything they want. Validating that an adolescent has the right to hope and dream for anything without caving in to their demands can build mutual respect and foster dignity. In households where parents are confident in the parameters they set, the teen can express their frustration, agitation, even anger, and the parent does not take their emotions personally.

It is impossible to teach an adolescent respect by displaying disrespect. Scolding, shouting, belittling, redundancy, physical aggression, and humiliating, no matter how deserving of these the teen may seem at the moment, will only result in the same tactics being used against the parent.

Adolescent moods can change moment to moment. Parents who focus primarily on making a teen happy tend to defend themselves, try to get the teen to see things their way, and shame the teen if they express uncomfortable emotions about the parent’s decision. When parents are clear they are responsible for their own emotions and don’t blame others (including their children) for how they feel, it’s easier for a teen to understand they are also responsible for their own feelings.

It is impossible to teach an adolescent respect by displaying disrespect. Scolding, shouting, belittling, redundancy, physical aggression, and humiliating, no matter how deserving of these the teen may seem at the moment, will only result in the same tactics being used against the parent. These are often employed by the teen in less sophisticated or polite ways.

6 Tips for Parents with Disrespectful Teens

What is the alternative for parents? Those with disrespectful teens may find the following tips helpful.

1. Model respect.

Set up expectations ahead of time. Write them down. Be consistent and don’t change your mind at the last minute. If you feel resentful about a privilege you are giving, set up a predictable reward system and have your adolescent earn that privilege. Doing so may make it easier not to hold privileges over their head when you feel taken for granted.

2. Don’t get sucked into arguments about facts or perceived facts.

Your teen has much more time and energy than you do to collect good argument data. Remember that you have the right to set a boundary just because you’re comfortable with it.

If you are clear with yourself about what you will contribute (phone, computer, driving to a friend’s house, money, shopping, entertainment, etc.), you may spend less time in conversations defending yourself and your decisions. You might also have more energy to validate your teen’s feelings. Use phrases such as, “I can see you are disappointed,” “It’s okay to be upset,” and “It looks like you’re frustrated.” Don’t try to show your teen a different way to look at the situation. They may interpret this as an attempt to change how they feel or think that you believe how they feel is wrong.

3. Practice active listening.

Demonstrate you are really listening and that you have compassion for their frustration. Adolescents are trying to figure out who they are, separate from their parents. They are experimenting with ways to cope with strong emotions. The more methods for handling strong feelings you demonstrate, the more ideas they may have to choose from.

4. Take time for yourself.

Spend time with quality friends, exercise, pursue a creative outlet, listen to music, dance, laugh, write, plan outings, eat healthy foods, learn something new, organize your surroundings, go to therapy, garden, or volunteer where you feel appreciated. Show your adolescent that everyone is responsible for their own happiness and peace of mind.

5. Be sure to laugh.

Lead conversations with humor. Don’t take every conversation so seriously. Laughter lightens up a household, but sarcasm or belittling humor do not.

6. Give compliments.

So many seemingly bad behaviors in teenagers stem from a desire to be addressed. Be sure you are giving at least five compliments for every one directive, which is telling your teen what to do or how to change. Finding things to compliment may be hard to do in a defiant adolescent. Push yourself a bit. The more you model that you admire your child, the more they may see what respect looks like.

If you continue to feel frustrated with the arguments and attitudes in your home, consider family therapy. The sooner a family seeks treatment, the easier it can be to begin moving toward a harmonious, respectful household.

With some focused effort, the opening conversation in this article can sound more like:

“I can see you’re done talking about this. I’ll send you a text with the rest of what I want to say.”

“But Mom…!”

“It’s okay, I’ll text you. It’s a good strategy to spend some quiet time alone.”

Sigh. Eye roll.

“We’ll talk later.”

Bedroom door slams.

“I know this is hard. Hang in there, we’ll get through this. I love you.”

Reference:
Sawyer, M. S., Azzopardi, P. S., Wickremarathne, D., & Patton, G. C. (2017, January 17). The age of adolescence. The Lancet: Child and Adolescent Health, 3(2), 223-228. doi: https://doi.org/10.1016/S2352-4642(18)30022-1

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My adult daughter is incredibly gifted (she tested around 130 IQ), but she has pretty serious depression. The sleeps-all-day, forgets-to-eat kind. It took her an extra two years to graduate from college because she kept turning assignments in late. Once she got her engineering degree, everyone thought she’d get a job easily, but she bombed all her interviews. Eventually she ended up working as a waitress.

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She’s been in therapy for a year now, and her more serious symptoms have improved. My daughter says she wants to quit her job and go to graduate school. However, she keeps procrastinating on applications and missing deadlines. When I try to ask about her progress, she clams up and shuts me out.

I know she’s an adult now. I can’t do everything for her. But I would hate to see my daughter’s depression sabotage her career. All she needs is a little support for her condition.

Should I take a more active role in guiding my child? Or is my daughter’s procrastination a sign she’s not actually ready for graduate school? I want her to reach her full potential, but I don’t want to push her into a situation she can’t handle. —Not an Empty Nester Yet

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Not an Empty Nester,

It can be so hard to watch someone you love struggle. It can be even harder when you feel so helpless. Your daughter is an adult, is in therapy, and has to be in charge of her future. Your desire to help her comes from a loving place, but sadly, it is not the kind of help she needs.

Often when we try to help our kids by smoothing their path or taking care of things for them, we unintentionally signal that we’re not confident in their ability to manage things. This can reinforce their self-doubts and contribute to their sense of helplessness and ineffectiveness. What our kids need more often is to hear and see from us that we believe they can manage their lives, and that we are available for support if they want it. Then we must step back and let them fall and pick themselves back up. It can be excruciating to watch, and of course we can intervene when they are in serious or life-threatening danger. Failure to reach potential, though, doesn’t meet that standard.

If she owns her choices and the results of those choices, good or bad, she will move into adulthood on better footing.

It’s also not unusual for kids, even as they enter adulthood, to push back against the expectations they believe others (especially parents) have of them. If your daughter feels you are more invested in her graduate school applications than she is, she may lose some of her own motivation. Ultimately, she will have to decide what she wants and how much she wants to pursue it. If she owns her choices and the results of those choices, good or bad, she will move into adulthood on better footing. Maybe grad school is the right choice for her now, maybe not. Either way, she must choose how to live her life and forge her own path.

If you are wondering how best to support your daughter, could you ask to meet with her and her therapist? Her therapist might be able to offer ideas about how to communicate effectively with your daughter and offer her loving support in a way that bolsters her sense of self-efficacy. If not, perhaps you could find a therapist to work with to share your fears and concerns and identify a way to manage the anxiety you feel on your daughter’s behalf.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC

Group of friends sitting out in field camping, talking togetherWhat Is a Tribe?

Broadly defined, a tribe is a community which has shared interests and provides support to its members. A tribe can include family members, but it is not limited to them. Friends, coworkers, neighbors, pets, and many others can comprise our own “tribes.” (My tribe includes a rescued miniature poodle who believes he’s human.)

Why We Need a Tribe

We are born wired for connection. When our ancestors roamed the land for food, moving in numbers was vital to safety and survival. Early settlers in the United States had to rely on each other to survive harsh weather and living conditions. However, as America prospered, our dependence on each other for survival diminished.

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A few years ago, I visited with a kind gentleman who identified as Hawaiian. He shared that many tourists are suspicious of Hawaiians’ friendly nature. The man explained that Hawaii was isolated for many years. Whenever storms came, neighbors had to pull together to support each other. It was wise to show everyone kindness because you never knew when you might need help. Hence the “aloha spirit” was born. He informed me that they are now teaching about the “aloha spirit” in Hawaii’s public schools. Elders are concerned about it fading with the rise of innovation.

Sadly, depression-, anxiety-, and trauma-based health concerns have risen with the dissolution of tribes. Being in connection with those who care about us reduces suffering. A powerful MRI study revealed that simply holding the hand of a loved one reduced one’s experience of pain (Carey, 2006). Tribes buffer us from the negative effects of stress. Connections heal.

Challenges of Finding a Tribe in Adulthood

Once young adults leave the family home, they often experience physical disconnection from major sources of support such as parents, siblings, and friends from childhood. Phone calls and texting can help bridge the gap, but they don’t replace human contact. College and the workplace create opportunities for tribe-building. However, this process becomes more challenging as we age, move, develop families of our own, and live in homes far apart from each other.

In most circumstances, we don’t need to rely on a community to meet our basic needs. If we need food, we go to the grocery store. If we need a tool, we rent it from a hardware store or order it online. Many of us lead busy lives, filled with commitments. Even though we’re trying our best, it can be challenging to find the time and energy to maintain the friendships we do have.

Ways to Find a Tribe

While it can feel challenging to build your tribe in adulthood, there are many ways to do so. A little effort can go a long way toward creating meaningful and supportive relationships. Below are five tips for moving into connection.

A little effort can go a long way toward creating meaningful and supportive relationships.

  1. Really get to know your neighbors: I moved into my neighborhood about eight months ago. I realized all my conversations with my neighbors took place in the driveway and lasted about 5 minutes. I recognized I knew little about them and their families. Conversely, they knew little about me and mine. I wanted to create meaningful connections with them, so I decided to take a step. During the holidays, my family and I whipped up loaves of gingerbread. We delivered them to all our neighbors. We enjoyed spreading this cheer. In the process, we got invited to a holiday party, where we met more of our neighbors. We also received a visit from our neighborhood Santa. Sometimes it involves taking the first step and moving outside your comfort zone. Consider organizing a block party, a multifamily garage sale, or a community garden.
  2. Find an interest group online: Sometimes, the best place to find like-minded individuals is at an activity you enjoy. Meetup, Facebook, and Nextdoor, among other websites and apps, offer opportunities to find local events of interest. It can feel intimidating to go to one of these events alone. However, it is helpful to remember that others attending likely feel the same way and are eager to meet someone like you. Easy conversation starters include: “What got you interested in [this activity]?” “How long have you been coming to these events?” “Hi, my name is [your name]. This is my first time attending this event. It’s nice to meet you.” If you’re feeling particularly nervous, it can be helpful to reach out to the event coordinator ahead of time to introduce yourself and learn more about the group. For example: “Hi, I’m Jane. I’m excited to see you created a group for rock climbers. I am new to the area and eager to connect with climbers. Is there a good way to locate you and the group once I arrive at the climbing gym?”
  3. Seek spiritual community: Churches, synagogues, temples, and mosques can be places to find faith communities. Spiritual communities can also be found outside of organized religions. Meditation groups, dinner groups, and nature groups are just a few examples of opportunities to connect with those who consider themselves spiritual but not necessarily religious.
  4. Volunteer: You will probably find like-minded people when you spend time supporting causes you value. Think about issues you care about—social justice, education, equality, etc. Then do an internet search for organizations that support your values. These organizations often have a volunteer area on their websites.
  5. Sign up for a class: Is there something you’ve been eager to learn? Perhaps knitting, playing an instrument, or learning a language? An organized class can be a wonderful way to develop new friendships. Many school districts and community colleges offer continuing education classes for nominal fees. Art and crafts shops often offer weekly classes.

“Call it a clan. Call it a network. Call it a tribe. Call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.” —Jane Howard

Reference:

Carey, B. (2006, January 31). Holding loved one’s hand can calm jittery nerves. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2006/01/31/health/psychology/holding-loved-ones-hand-can-calm-jittery-neurons.html

Rear view of parent and youth walking on trail in woods and talkingYou have tried to do your best in raising your children. No one gave you clear instructions for each situation you may have encountered, but you took and utilized every bit of knowledge you had in order to help your children grow into responsible teens, hoping they would one day become successful adults.

As a parent, you may have made most decisions when your children were young. But as our children become teenagers, there will also come a time when they have to start making their own decisions, especially as they begin dating.

You may know (or have learned) that voiced disapproval of a teen’s current love interest is only likely to cement their affections, so you may have decided it’s better to wait quietly and patiently for teen love to run its course. However, there are some circumstances in which you may be unable to keep quiet, but you might still struggle to know how to begin a conversation with your teen.

How can you, as a concerned parent, intervene if you believe your teen is experiencing dating violence?

First, Know the Signs

I offer below just a few signs of an abusive relationship. If you notice any of these in your teen, think there might be something controlling about the relationship, or just have a feeling that something is wrong or “off” about the relationship (beyond a general parental instinct toward protectiveness) don’t keep your concerns to yourself. If your teen has been sexually or physically abused, it is important that you protect them and report the abuse to the authorities.

Discussing Your Concerns with Your Teen 

Although talking about abuse with your child may be awkward and difficult, it is important for them to be aware that you are concerned about their relationship.

It is possible for you to do this in a way that lets them know you care, want what is best for them, and are there to help—without making them feel as if they are being lectured or blamed. Your teen may be defensive at first and outright deny any abuse. Recognize that it may be hard for them to accept, and be patient.

Create a Safety Plan

Some teens may be hesitant to admit (or even consider) that they are in an abusive or violent relationship. Even if they aren’t ready to accept that what they are experiencing is abuse, it is important to create a safety plan with them. You can tell them it’s for your own peace of mind, or “just in case.” However you frame it, make sure your teen has access to the following resources—they might help keep them safe in the future.

1. Provide them with dating violence hotline numbers.

California Youth Crisis Line (1-800-843-5200)

National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline (1-866-331-9474) or text “loveis” to 22522, any time, 24/7/365.

Text TEEN to 839-863

2. Help them identify at least three safe people they can reach out to for help.

Your teen may not feel comfortable going to a parent for help, especially about their relationship. Let them know it is okay for them to choose to talk to another responsible adult who can provide help. Set a guideline that safe people they can go to must be adults both you and your teen can trust, such as a teacher, other school staff member, clergy, counselor, relative or adult sibling, family friend, etc.

3. Identify when to call 911.

Though your teen likely knows what an emergency is, they may minimize their partner’s dangerous behavior toward them. Help your teen identify some situations they may find themselves in where it would be a good idea to call 911. Let them know it is okay to call 911 if they feel they, or a loved one, are in imminent physical danger—even if they think there is only a possibility of harm.

4. Connect them with a neutral source of support. 

If your teen does not open up to you, it may help to suggest they speak to a neutral person, such as a counselor or therapist. Even if your teen has already broken off an abusive relationship, their self-esteem, view of relationships, and/or ability to trust others may have sustained damage that can be improved with therapy.

Encourage your teen to consider speaking to a counselor or therapist, and offer to help them find a therapist near you. GoodTherapy.org’s therapist directory is a good place to start!

References:

  1. 5 early warning signs of dating violence. (2017, October 7). Teen Dating Violence. Retrieved from https://www.teendvmonth.org/5-early-warning-signs-of-dating-violence
  2. How to talk to your teen about dating violence. (2017, March 22). Teen Dating Violence. Retrieved from https://www.teendvmonth.org/talk-teen-dating-violence
  3. Youth yellow pages: Dating violence. (n.d.). Teen Line. Retrieved from https://teenlineonline.org/youth-yellow-pages/dating-violence/?gclid

Autumn scenery with fantasy castle, lake and mysterious person in a boatThe specific era in which a person begins to bridge the gap between childhood and adulthood doesn’t matter, relative to one prevailing fact: it is difficult. Volumes of the world’s literature are devoted to this phase of development, acknowledging the fundamental nature of coming of age as one of life’s greatest crucibles. Psychologists call it individuation, a time in which a healthy young person extricates themselves from the known world of childhood and forges an independent personality and experience.

In a perfect world, this struggle has two distinct poles: enmeshment (in the family unit as a child) and independent identity (as an adult in the world). The result of the struggle is the psychosocial location of an individual, which is the basis for their future and the point of view from which all that is to follow is experienced.

But never in history has the world been perfect. The struggle is messy and often incomplete until well into what we would call adulthood: what becomes, for many, a life of work, mortgages, and child-rearing.

What Role Does Higher Education Play in Individuation?

The concept of psychological adolescence itself is relatively new. As most people know, children historically worked in the fields, in the mines, and later in workshops. It wasn’t until after World War II that Western cultures provided the opportunity for the extended time of self-discovery we call the teenage years, as millions of baby boomers left their burgeoning high schools for university campuses and the wide world of liberal education. [fat_widget_right]

College days were for academics, of course. But an equally significant aspect of the four years of college was the time spent exploring what it means to be human, and to be one unique human being in particular. What was studied in class was pondered and discussed and challenged. Through the informal means of sharing questions with peers, hearing converging points of view, and discovering conflicting values, coursework became integrated into personhood. College was a living science experiment, and the result was self-awareness and a sense of responsibility to others beyond oneself.

This is the part of higher education that is often left out of arguments declaring the uselessness of college degrees, specifically degrees in the liberal arts, which are at times devalued and even ridiculed. In my opinion, this denigration is a tragedy.

Liberal does not describe politics in this context. It refers to the freedom encountered by the open mind. And with freedom comes responsibility, which Freud acknowledged as the reason many fear it. Gradual exposure to and development of the notion of responsibility is one of the fruits of liberal education. Without exposure to the liberal arts, where will our thinkers come from? Who will be poised to discern the greater welfare? How will compassion erupt from a field devoid of the experiences engendered by self-exploration and exposure to the vast world presented to college students in literature classes, through philosophy, through art? And if there is no sense of history and the nature of human cycles, where will temperance come from?

Gradual exposure to and development of the notion of responsibility is one of the fruits of liberal education. Without exposure to the liberal arts, where will our thinkers come from?

Sensitive young people today continue to struggle with these questions. Many are still drawn to the liberal arts in a culture that values STEM (science, technology, engineering, and math) degrees. They may be tuned into nuance and subtlety by nature of their intelligence and emerging maturity, but they are growing up in a divisive culture in which these characteristics are often trampled in the public square, where false equivalencies seem to abound and divide.

Before they know where they stand, they may see that making determinations about their own values will probably align them, like it or not, with one side or another in the culture wars of zero-sum politics. But STEM degrees are simply not for everyone. And industry is beginning to show that more is necessary for success in the workplace than technical knowledge of a field, as Google recently revealed.

Using Fantasy to Cope with Difficulty and Distress

Many therapists may be increasingly seeing a manifestation of this heightened sense of not fitting in, not to mention the other pressures facing today’s young adults, in young people seeking help who prefer to discuss with fervor their fantasy worlds of elves, unicorns, and diverse realms of the imagination. Generally, it is not prudent for us to pathologize this. More often than not, an intense focus on fantasy indicates life distress that points directly to the difficulty of coming of age in these divisive times. As a therapist, I open a discussion to explore the personal particulars of this difficulty in the hopes of helping those I work with develop skills for understanding the world around them.

My goal is to help them bring into their daily lives the same energy and determination that allows them to challenge evil and dragons in the worlds of their imaginations, even in the face of what seems like great odds. There is power in these strong attachments to imaginary creatures and dilemmas. To channel the power into an adolescent’s path toward maturity can further personal growth and help the adolescent become a strong individual. The touchstones for confidence derived from fantasy attachments can easily last a lifetime.

The divisive nature of today’s political environment is part of a cycle, one that, I believe, will pass. History is full of examples left to us by those who faced these struggles before us. The contributions of Goethe. Michelangelo. Shakespeare stand alongside those of Galileo, Curie, and Einstein. Together, their imaginations have kept the flame lit for us for generations. As always, our youth is our hope.

If struggles in the realm of the imagination can help youth navigate reality, as a tool these struggles become powerful. Unicorns and elves have potent magic, and I believe it is of benefit to let our youth be guided by their symbolic value, not dismissed as escapists.

We can begin with the small step of acknowledging the undue pressure we place on students whose natures lead them toward the liberal arts, and we can continue by allowing them their fantasies. Middle Earth has much to offer, and who are we to judge the chosen instrument of deliverance for a generation? We are not of their time. We do not know. We can only offer support and do our best to keep from harm those who come after us.

Reference:

Strauss, V. (2017, December 20). The surprising thing Google learned about its employees—and what it means for today’s students. The Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/answer-sheet/wp/2017/12/20/the-surprising-thing-google-learned-about-its-employees-and-what-it-means-for-todays-students/?utm_term=.b9239650a30d

young school-age child with hair tied up wears glasses and explores with magnifying glassIn my practice, I work with many people who are transgender. The ages of those I’ve worked with over the years range from 5 (yes, 5) to 65, and the single most common complaint I have heard from these individuals is that their loved ones have said or done something that leads them to question the validity of their identity.

To illustrate: teenagers I work with will often tell me that when they approached their parents to talk about identifying as trans, nonbinary, gender nonconforming, or any other identity on the spectrum, their parents’ first response was, “Are you sure this isn’t a phase?” While parents may have meant this harmlessly, and only intended to seek information about what was going on with their child, this language is not validating and is likely to leave the child (or adult) feeling unsupported and as if who they are doesn’t matter.

The phrases below are a few examples of what not to say when a child (or anyone you know!) comes out to as trans. I also offer some suggestions to consider that may lead to a more productive conversation and help your child feel validated and supported.

Here are a few things NOT to say in these situations. I also offer, for your consideration, some suggestions that may lead to a more productive conversation. [fat_widget_right]

“Are you sure this isn’t just a phase?”

It’s a good idea to avoid this question because it questions the basic understanding your child or teen has of themselves. When I work with parents, I often suggest we simply meet the child where they are right then, without considering how “sure” or “unsure” they may be of their identity. While a few of the people I have worked with have identified differently on the spectrum throughout their lives, none of them considered any of those identifications as a “phase.” I went through a phase of dying my hair pink and wearing studded bracelets. But I did not go through a phase of identifying as female. I have always been aware of my female identity, just as people who are trans are aware of their own identities.

Gender identity is exactly what it says: identity. It is an intrinsic part of who a person is. Would you question a person’s identity based on race or religion and ask them if it was a “phase”? It may be helpful to view gender identity in the same way. If today your child tells you they are trans, then it’s best to go with that until they tell you otherwise.

“Don’t you think you should date a person of X gender first?”

Gender identity and sexuality are completely different entities. Often, the parents of the people I work with confuse the two. Though they are trying to better understand their child’s disclosure by asking questions like these, they are simultaneously completely misunderstanding what their child is telling them.

Having your child come out to you as transgender or gender nonconforming may be overwhelming, confusing, and emotional, but I implore you to try to see your child’s disclosure as a demonstration of the trust they have in you as a parent.

For example, a transgender man (a person who was assigned female at birth might also identify as FtM (female to male) does not need to have a romantic or sexual relationship with another man in order to know whether he is truly male. Being romantically involved with a man (or person of any gender) does not inform a trans person’s sense of gender identity—in the same way a cisgender woman (person who was assigned female at birth and who identifies as female) would not have to date a man to know she is female, only whether she is sexually attracted to men.

“You are too young.”

To this, I simply say “Wrong.”

I understand a lot of people may struggle with the idea that young children can know their gender identity at such a young age. Sure, preschool and kindergarten years are a relatively gender-fluid time as it is, and gender roles and stereotypes may be more lax—let’s face it, a 5-year-old boy in a princess dress is likely to receive an “aww” because we assume children are just playing and exploring costumes and ideas rather than figuring out who they are.

However, I do strongly believe that children as young as 2 or 3 years of age can be aware of their gender identity. This awareness may present as an aversion to certain clothes or an attraction to a certain type of style that does not align with the gender they were assigned at birth. Rather than assuming your daughter is a tomboy or your son is just curious about your shoes, I encourage you to be open to the idea that your child may be figuring out who they are. Listen to them, hear their concerns or desires, and above all, please remain open-minded. Encourage their style, gender presentation, and expression, whether it turns out to be simple exploration or early expression of gender identity. The sooner our children know we support them regardless of who they are, the healthier and happier they are likely to be in adulthood.

Having your child come out to you as transgender or gender nonconforming may be overwhelming, confusing, and emotional, but I implore you to try to see your child’s disclosure as a demonstration of the trust they have in you as a parent. This act of sharing, which they may have deliberated over for some time, is likely to leave them feeling vulnerable and open. Keep that in mind as you choose your next steps and words, as they can, and likely will, have a lasting impact on your child and may be a touchstone memory for the rest of their lives.

I believe the most essential and key support system for any child is their family, and I encourage you to openly offer as much love and support as you possibly can. If you would like to talk through what you are feeling, or discover ways of opening a conversation or showing your support, I recommend seeking out a compassionate and qualified therapist or counselor who is trained in working with trans individuals and their families.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.